{"title":"FRESH OFF THE PRESS","description":"\u003cp\u003eBehold the freshest bounty of posh-filth homeware, personally inspected and approved by Sir Cucumber Dog. This is the exclusive home for our newest novelty mugs, sarcastic coasters, and offensive indoor mats.\u003c\/p\u003e","products":[{"product_id":"absolutely-coaster","title":"Absolutely Coaster","description":"\u003ch3\u003e\u003cb\u003eA Message from the Chairman: On the Virtue of Commitment\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/h3\u003e\u003cp\u003eSir Cucumber Dog admires decisiveness. In a world of wishy-washy half-measures and people who say \"maybe\" when they mean \"no,\" there is something deeply refreshing about a coaster that commits entirely to its position.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eAbsolutely.\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eNo caveats. No qualifications. No \"well, it depends.\" Just a full-throated, unambiguous declaration that sits beneath your mug and radiates the kind of confidence most people only achieve after their third drink.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003ch3\u003e\u003cb\u003eWhy You Absolutely Require This\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/h3\u003e\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cb\u003eA Philosophy, Not Just a Coaster:\u003c\/b\u003e It's a daily reminder that some things in life deserve a firm, unequivocal \"yes.\" Your beverage deserves a coaster. \u003cem\u003eAbsolutely.\u003c\/em\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cb\u003eDeceptively Subtle:\u003c\/b\u003e Unlike some of its more aggressively rude siblings in the Sir Cucumber Dog range, this one can be left out when your boss comes round. Probably.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cb\u003eThe Understated Funny Gift:\u003c\/b\u003e For those who prefer their humour dry, deadpan, and served at room temperature — much like a fine whisky.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\u003ch3\u003e\u003cb\u003e🔩 Technical Specifications for the Meticulous\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/h3\u003e\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cb\u003eMaterial:\u003c\/b\u003e Hardboard MDF 3mm with cork backing 1mm\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cb\u003eFinish:\u003c\/b\u003e High-gloss coating — wipeable, crisp, and absolutely committed to looking good\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cb\u003eDimensions:\u003c\/b\u003e 95 × 95 × 4mm (3.74″ × 3.74″ × 0.16″) with rounded corners\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cb\u003ePerformance:\u003c\/b\u003e Water-repellent, heat-resistant, and non-slip\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cb\u003eMaintenance:\u003c\/b\u003e Wipe clean. No fuss. No drama. Absolutely.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cb\u003eSold as:\u003c\/b\u003e Single coaster\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\u003ch3\u003e\u003cb\u003eWho Is This For? (The Victims)\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/h3\u003e\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cb\u003eThe Deadpan Humourist:\u003c\/b\u003e For the person whose idea of a punchline is a single, perfectly timed word delivered with a straight face.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cb\u003eThe Gin Enthusiast:\u003c\/b\u003e Because \"Absolutely\" is also the correct answer to \"another one?\"\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cb\u003eThe Minimalist with a Dark Side:\u003c\/b\u003e Tasteful enough for the design-conscious, rude enough for the spiritually chaotic.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cb\u003eFans of Funny Novelty Coasters:\u003c\/b\u003e For anyone who wants their home accessories to have a personality.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e","brand":"CUCUMBER DOG","offers":[{"title":"Default Title","offer_id":51532826739030,"sku":"9922499_15662","price":12.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0955\/7793\/2118\/files\/cork-back-coaster-front-68e8ef5cb0378.jpg?v=1777475344"},{"product_id":"bending-me-over-coaster","title":"Bending Me Over Coaster","description":"\u003ch3\u003e\u003cb\u003eA Message from the Chairman: On the Economics of Modern Living\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/h3\u003e\u003cp\u003eSir Cucumber Dog has reviewed the current cost of living with the same expression he reserves for unsolicited belly rubs: one of profound, aristocratic displeasure.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eEverything, it seems, is bending us over. The energy bills. The mortgage. The price of a decent bottle of wine. The audacity of the supermarket charging that much for cheese.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eThis coaster acknowledges the situation with the dignity it deserves — which is to say, absolutely none whatsoever.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003ch3\u003e\u003cb\u003eWhy You Absolutely Require This\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/h3\u003e\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cb\u003eCathartic Home Decor:\u003c\/b\u003e Sometimes you need your furniture to validate your feelings. This coaster does that, loudly and without apology.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cb\u003eThe Gift for the Financially Aggrieved:\u003c\/b\u003e Perfect for anyone who has recently opened a utility bill, renewed their car insurance, or simply checked their bank balance on a Monday morning.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cb\u003eFunctional Fury:\u003c\/b\u003e Heat-resistant, non-slip, and water-repellent — because even in the face of economic catastrophe, your coffee table deserves protection.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\u003ch3\u003e\u003cb\u003e🔩 Technical Specifications for the Meticulous\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/h3\u003e\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cb\u003eMaterial:\u003c\/b\u003e Hardboard MDF 3mm with cork backing 1mm\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cb\u003eFinish:\u003c\/b\u003e High-gloss coating — wipeable and defiantly cheerful despite everything\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cb\u003eDimensions:\u003c\/b\u003e 95 × 95 × 4mm (3.74″ × 3.74″ × 0.16″) with rounded corners\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cb\u003ePerformance:\u003c\/b\u003e Water-repellent, heat-resistant, and non-slip\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cb\u003eMaintenance:\u003c\/b\u003e Wipe clean. Unlike the financial situation, this is easily sorted.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cb\u003eSold as:\u003c\/b\u003e Single coaster\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\u003ch3\u003e\u003cb\u003eWho Is This For? (The Victims)\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/h3\u003e\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cb\u003eThe Financially Battered:\u003c\/b\u003e For anyone who has recently discovered what their energy provider considers a \"fair\" rate.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cb\u003eThe Relatable Gift Recipient:\u003c\/b\u003e The person in your life who will see this, laugh bitterly, and immediately put it on their coffee table.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cb\u003eThe Rude Gift Enthusiast:\u003c\/b\u003e For those who believe home accessories should reflect the full emotional spectrum, including righteous indignation.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cb\u003eThe Chronically Sarcastic:\u003c\/b\u003e For anyone whose primary coping mechanism is dark humour and a strong cup of tea.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e","brand":"CUCUMBER DOG","offers":[{"title":"Default Title","offer_id":51532837159254,"sku":"8968187_15662","price":12.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0955\/7793\/2118\/files\/cork-back-coaster-front-68e8efabcca74.jpg?v=1777475348"},{"product_id":"stirred-with-my-balls-white-mug","title":"\"Stirred By My Balls\" Funny Explorer Mug Offensive Camping Gift \u0026 Rude Outdoor Travel Mug.","description":"\u003ch3 data-path-to-node=\"3\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"3\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eA Message from the Chairman: Adventure and Poor Hygiene\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/h3\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"4\"\u003eIt has come to my attention that some of you fancy yourselves as \"outdoorsy\" types. While Sir Cucumber Dog prefers his adventures to involve nothing more strenuous than choosing between a velvet or silk cushion, he recognises that the common human enjoys pretending to be a rugged explorer.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"5\"\u003eThis premium ceramic mug features a detailed, comic-style illustration of a man who looks like he has spent far too long in the jungle and far too little time near a bathroom. With a striking yellow speech bubble and authentic halftone dot patterns, it delivers a punchline that is as uncouth as it is effective: \"THIS DRINK WAS STIRRED BY MY... BALLS. ENJOY!\"\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"6\"\u003eIt is a blatant violation of health and safety standards, a social catastrophe in the making, and exactly the kind of distasteful humour that keeps life interesting.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003ch3 data-path-to-node=\"7\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"7\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eWhy You Absolutely Require This (The Rationale)\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/h3\u003e\n\u003cul data-path-to-node=\"8\"\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"8,0,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"8,0,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eThe Ultimate Office Deterrent:\u003c\/b\u003e If you are tired of colleagues asking to \"borrow\" your tea or \"have a sip\" of your coffee, this vessel provides the perfect solution. One look at the adventurer’s weary eyes and the horrifying confession in the speech bubble will ensure your drink remains strictly your own.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"8,1,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"8,1,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eHigh-End Visual Chaos:\u003c\/b\u003e The contrast between the sophisticated, grayscale sketch and the vibrant pop of yellow creates a visual \"scroll-stopping\" effect. It is a piece of art that just happens to be incredibly offensive.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"8,2,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"8,2,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eA Masterclass in the \"Long Pause\":\u003c\/b\u003e The use of the ellipsis in the text creates a moment of suspense before delivering a blow to the viewer's appetite. It is a brilliant piece of cheeky social commentary on the hidden \"ingredients\" of life.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"8,3,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"8,3,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003ePremium Quality for Primitive Humour:\u003c\/b\u003e While the message is questionable, the craftsmanship is not. This mug is made from high-gloss white ceramic, engineered to ensure the black ink and yellow speech bubble remain crisp through every wash.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\u003ch3 data-path-to-node=\"9\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"9\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eTechnical Specifications for the Meticulous\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/h3\u003e\n\u003cul data-path-to-node=\"10\"\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"10,0,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"10,0,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eVessel Sizes:\u003c\/b\u003e Available in a standard \u003cb data-path-to-node=\"10,0,0\" data-index-in-node=\"38\"\u003e11oz\u003c\/b\u003e for your morning ritual or a generous \u003cb data-path-to-node=\"10,0,0\" data-index-in-node=\"81\"\u003e15oz\u003c\/b\u003e for those who need a substantial amount of caffeine to deal with their peers.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"10,1,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"10,1,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eMaterial:\u003c\/b\u003e 100% Glossy white ceramic for a professional look and a substantial feel in the hand.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"10,2,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"10,2,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eResilience:\u003c\/b\u003e Fully dishwasher and microwave safe. The print is designed to resist fading, even if you try to scrub the mental image of the message away.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"10,3,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"10,3,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eSafety Standards:\u003c\/b\u003e BPA-free and lead-free. We care about your health, even if the man on the mug clearly doesn't.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\u003ch3 data-path-to-node=\"11\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"11\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eWho Is This For? (The Victims)\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/h3\u003e\n\u003cul data-path-to-node=\"12\"\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"12,0,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"12,0,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eThe Office Prankster:\u003c\/b\u003e For the person who believes that \"lowering the tone\" is a professional responsibility.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"12,1,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"12,1,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eThe \"Rugged\" Outdoors man:\u003c\/b\u003e A hilarious gift for the friend who owns a lot of khaki and hats but mostly uses them to walk the dog in the park.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"12,2,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"12,2,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eThe Hard-to-Buy-For Brother:\u003c\/b\u003e If you need a birthday or Secret Santa gift that will cause an immediate family scandal, your search ends here.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"12,3,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"12,3,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eFans of the Absurd:\u003c\/b\u003e For anyone who appreciates a vintage comic aesthetic paired with a joke that is fundamentally \"too much information.\"\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e","brand":"CUCUMBER DOG","offers":[{"title":"11 oz","offer_id":51532923208022,"sku":"9143870_1320","price":17.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"15 oz","offer_id":51532923240790,"sku":"9143870_4830","price":19.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0955\/7793\/2118\/files\/white-glossy-mug-white-11-oz-handle-on-right-68e8f1c5b312e.jpg?v=1777475359"},{"product_id":"i-love-your-mum-coaster","title":"I Love Your Mum Coaster","description":"\u003ch3\u003e\u003cb\u003eA Message from the Chairman: On the Expression of Affection\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/h3\u003e\u003cp\u003eSir Cucumber Dog is not, by nature, a sentimental creature. He does not do greeting cards. He does not do heartfelt speeches. He does not, under any circumstances, do hugs.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eBut he does believe in honesty.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eAnd the honest truth is that your mum is, by all accounts, a remarkable woman. Someone clearly thinks so, anyway. Enough to put it on a coaster. In your house. Where you have to look at it every single day.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003ch3\u003e\u003cb\u003eWhy You Absolutely Require This\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/h3\u003e\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cb\u003eThe Gift That Keeps on Giving (Grief):\u003c\/b\u003e Buy this for your mate and watch them explain it to every single person who comes round for the next decade.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cb\u003eA Declaration of Sorts:\u003c\/b\u003e Bold. Unapologetic. Technically a compliment, depending on your perspective.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cb\u003eThe Lad Gift, Perfected:\u003c\/b\u003e Solves the eternal problem of what to get the bloke who has everything but deserves to be wound up about it.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\u003ch3\u003e\u003cb\u003e🔩 Technical Specifications for the Meticulous\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/h3\u003e\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cb\u003eMaterial:\u003c\/b\u003e Hardboard MDF 3mm with cork backing 1mm\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cb\u003eFinish:\u003c\/b\u003e High-gloss coating — wipeable, vibrant, and impossible to ignore\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cb\u003eDimensions:\u003c\/b\u003e 95 × 95 × 4mm (3.74″ × 3.74″ × 0.16″) with rounded corners\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cb\u003ePerformance:\u003c\/b\u003e Water-repellent, heat-resistant, and non-slip\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cb\u003eMaintenance:\u003c\/b\u003e Wipe clean. The coaster, not your conscience.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cb\u003eSold as:\u003c\/b\u003e Single coaster\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\u003ch3\u003e\u003cb\u003eWho Is This For? (The Victims)\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/h3\u003e\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cb\u003eThe Mate Who Deserves It:\u003c\/b\u003e For the friend who has been asking for this level of commitment for years and is about to get it in coaster form.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cb\u003eThe Stag Do Organiser:\u003c\/b\u003e An essential addition to any celebration that aims to be both memorable and deeply inappropriate.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cb\u003eThe Sibling with a Score to Settle:\u003c\/b\u003e A perfectly passive-aggressive gift that requires no explanation and offers no apology.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cb\u003eFans of Rude Novelty Gifts:\u003c\/b\u003e For anyone who believes a funny coaster is a legitimate form of emotional expression.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e","brand":"CUCUMBER DOG","offers":[{"title":"Default Title","offer_id":51532952666454,"sku":"5977978_15662","price":10.99,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0955\/7793\/2118\/files\/cork-back-coaster-front-68e8f24516580.jpg?v=1777475376"},{"product_id":"i-only-poo-in-castles-coaster","title":"I Only Poo In Castles Coaster","description":"\u003ch3\u003e\u003cb\u003eA Message from the Chairman: On Standards\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/h3\u003e\u003cp\u003eSir Cucumber Dog understands. He truly does.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eThere are those among us who have simply decided that certain facilities are beneath them. Public conveniences? Absolutely not. Service station toilets? The very idea. A friend's house with questionable plumbing? One would rather hold it until the Channel Tunnel.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eThis coaster is for those people. The ones with \u003cem\u003estandards\u003c\/em\u003e. The ones who have looked at the available options and found them all wanting. The ones who, frankly, deserve a castle — or at the very least, a coaster that acknowledges their position.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003ch3\u003e\u003cb\u003eWhy You Absolutely Require This\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/h3\u003e\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cb\u003eA Statement of Intent:\u003c\/b\u003e This is not merely a coaster. It is a declaration of one's personal hygiene philosophy, displayed prominently in the home for all visitors to absorb.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cb\u003eThe Gift for the Discerning:\u003c\/b\u003e For the person in your life who has opinions about thread counts, water pressure, and the correct temperature for a bathroom. They will understand immediately.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cb\u003eAspirational Home Decor:\u003c\/b\u003e If you can't afford the castle, at least you can have the coaster. It's a start.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\u003ch3\u003e\u003cb\u003e🔩 Technical Specifications for the Meticulous\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/h3\u003e\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cb\u003eMaterial:\u003c\/b\u003e Hardboard MDF 3mm with cork backing 1mm\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cb\u003eFinish:\u003c\/b\u003e High-gloss coating — befitting of someone with castle-level expectations\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cb\u003eDimensions:\u003c\/b\u003e 95 × 95 × 4mm (3.74″ × 3.74″ × 0.16″) with rounded corners\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cb\u003ePerformance:\u003c\/b\u003e Water-repellent, heat-resistant, and non-slip\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cb\u003eMaintenance:\u003c\/b\u003e Wipe clean. Standards must be maintained.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cb\u003eSold as:\u003c\/b\u003e Single coaster\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\u003ch3\u003e\u003cb\u003eWho Is This For? (The Victims)\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/h3\u003e\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cb\u003eThe Bathroom Snob:\u003c\/b\u003e For the person who has a preferred toilet and will travel unreasonable distances to use it.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cb\u003eThe Posh Friend:\u003c\/b\u003e For the one in the group who winces at the word \"loo\" and insists on \"lavatory.\"\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cb\u003eThe Housewarming Wit:\u003c\/b\u003e A perfect gift for someone moving into a new home who needs to establish their standards immediately.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cb\u003eFans of Funny Novelty Coasters:\u003c\/b\u003e For anyone who appreciates humour that is simultaneously ridiculous and deeply, personally relatable.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e","brand":"CUCUMBER DOG","offers":[{"title":"Default Title","offer_id":51533050151254,"sku":"5664060_15662","price":12.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0955\/7793\/2118\/files\/cork-back-coaster-front-68e8f3656c15c.jpg?v=1777475412"},{"product_id":"i-think-i-was-adopted-white-mug","title":"I Think I was Adopted White Mug","description":"Whether you're drinking your morning coffee, evening tea, or something in between—this mug's for you! It's sturdy and glossy with a vivid print that'll withstand the microwave and dishwasher.\u003cbr\u003e\n\u003cbr\u003e\n• Ceramic\u003cbr\u003e\n• 11 oz mug dimensions: 3.8″ (9.6 cm) in height, 3.2″ (8.2 cm) in diameter\u003cbr\u003e\n• 15 oz mug dimensions: 4.7″ (11.9 cm) in height, 3.3″ (8.5 cm) in diameter\u003cbr\u003e\n• Lead and BPA-free material\u003cbr\u003e\n• Dishwasher and microwave safe\u003cbr\u003e\n• Blank product sourced from China\u003cbr\u003e\n\u003cbr\u003e\nThis product is made especially for you as soon as you place an order, which is why it takes us a bit longer to deliver it to you. Making products on demand instead of in bulk helps reduce overproduction, so thank you for making thoughtful purchasing decisions!","brand":"CUCUMBER DOG","offers":[{"title":"11 oz","offer_id":51533984989526,"sku":"1944465_1320","price":17.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"15 oz","offer_id":51533985022294,"sku":"1944465_4830","price":19.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0955\/7793\/2118\/files\/white-glossy-mug-white-11-oz-handle-on-right-68e9077a17d24-_1.jpg?v=1762771959"},{"product_id":"mofo-white-mug","title":"Mofo White Mug","description":"Whether you're drinking your morning coffee, evening tea, or something in between—this mug's for you! It's sturdy and glossy with a vivid print that'll withstand the microwave and dishwasher.\u003cbr\u003e\n\u003cbr\u003e\n• Ceramic\u003cbr\u003e\n• 11 oz mug dimensions: 3.8″ (9.6 cm) in height, 3.2″ (8.2 cm) in diameter\u003cbr\u003e\n• 15 oz mug dimensions: 4.7″ (11.9 cm) in height, 3.3″ (8.5 cm) in diameter\u003cbr\u003e\n• Lead and BPA-free material\u003cbr\u003e\n• Dishwasher and microwave safe\u003cbr\u003e\n• Blank product sourced from China\u003cbr\u003e\n\u003cbr\u003e\nThis product is made especially for you as soon as you place an order, which is why it takes us a bit longer to deliver it to you. Making products on demand instead of in bulk helps reduce overproduction, so thank you for making thoughtful purchasing decisions!","brand":"CUCUMBER DOG","offers":[{"title":"11 oz","offer_id":51534021165398,"sku":"5647338_1320","price":17.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"15 oz","offer_id":51534021198166,"sku":"5647338_4830","price":19.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0955\/7793\/2118\/files\/white-glossy-mug-white-11-oz-handle-on-right-68e908b002d46.jpg?v=1777475596"},{"product_id":"i-dont-fart-darling-white-mug","title":"I Don't Fart Darling White Mug","description":"Whether you're drinking your morning coffee, evening tea, or something in between—this mug's for you! It's sturdy and glossy with a vivid print that'll withstand the microwave and dishwasher.\u003cbr\u003e\n\u003cbr\u003e\n• Ceramic\u003cbr\u003e\n• 11 oz mug dimensions: 3.8″ (9.6 cm) in height, 3.2″ (8.2 cm) in diameter\u003cbr\u003e\n• 15 oz mug dimensions: 4.7″ (11.9 cm) in height, 3.3″ (8.5 cm) in diameter\u003cbr\u003e\n• Lead and BPA-free material\u003cbr\u003e\n• Dishwasher and microwave safe\u003cbr\u003e\n• Blank product sourced from China\u003cbr\u003e\n\u003cbr\u003e\nThis product is made especially for you as soon as you place an order, which is why it takes us a bit longer to deliver it to you. Making products on demand instead of in bulk helps reduce overproduction, so thank you for making thoughtful purchasing decisions!","brand":"CUCUMBER DOG","offers":[{"title":"11 oz","offer_id":51534061404502,"sku":"7840249_1320","price":17.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"15 oz","offer_id":51534061437270,"sku":"7840249_4830","price":19.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0955\/7793\/2118\/files\/white-glossy-mug-white-11-oz-handle-on-right-68e90a400578b.jpg?v=1777640338"},{"product_id":"inside-voice-never-met-her-mug","title":"Inside Voice? Never Met Her Mug","description":"Whether you're drinking your morning coffee, evening tea, or something in between—this mug's for you! It's sturdy and glossy with a vivid print that'll withstand the microwave and dishwasher.\u003cbr\u003e\n\u003cbr\u003e\n• Ceramic\u003cbr\u003e\n• 11 oz mug dimensions: 3.8″ (9.6 cm) in height, 3.2″ (8.2 cm) in diameter\u003cbr\u003e\n• 15 oz mug dimensions: 4.7″ (11.9 cm) in height, 3.3″ (8.5 cm) in diameter\u003cbr\u003e\n• Lead and BPA-free material\u003cbr\u003e\n• Dishwasher and microwave safe\u003cbr\u003e\n• Blank product sourced from China\u003cbr\u003e\n\u003cbr\u003e\nThis product is made especially for you as soon as you place an order, which is why it takes us a bit longer to deliver it to you. Making products on demand instead of in bulk helps reduce overproduction, so thank you for making thoughtful purchasing decisions!","brand":"CUCUMBER DOG","offers":[{"title":"11 oz","offer_id":51534177108310,"sku":"9065682_1320","price":17.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"15 oz","offer_id":51534177141078,"sku":"9065682_4830","price":19.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0955\/7793\/2118\/files\/white-glossy-mug-white-11-oz-handle-on-right-68e90e4cc6f0a-_1.jpg?v=1762771744"},{"product_id":"cupid-stunt-coaster","title":"Cupid Stunt Coaster","description":"\u003ch3\u003e\u003cb\u003eA Message from the Chairman: On the Mythology of Romance\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/h3\u003e\u003cp\u003eSir Cucumber Dog has reviewed the legend of Cupid — a small, winged child who flies around shooting people with arrows and is somehow considered responsible for love — and found the entire concept deeply suspicious.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eThe \u003cb\u003eCupid Stunt Coaster\u003c\/b\u003e is his considered response.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eIt is a coaster that acknowledges the chaos of romance with the linguistic dexterity it deserves. Read it quickly. Read it slowly. Read it aloud in polite company and watch the room recalibrate.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003ch3\u003e\u003cb\u003eWhy You Absolutely Require This\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/h3\u003e\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cb\u003eA Masterclass in Wordplay:\u003c\/b\u003e The name is, technically, two perfectly innocent words. What happens when you say them quickly is entirely the English language's fault.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cb\u003eThe Anti-Valentine's Gift:\u003c\/b\u003e For the person who finds the entire concept of February 14th deeply exhausting and would prefer something honest.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cb\u003ePlausible Deniability, Maximum Impact:\u003c\/b\u003e Leave it on the coffee table. Wait. Say nothing.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\u003ch3\u003e\u003cb\u003e🔩 Technical Specifications for the Meticulous\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/h3\u003e\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cb\u003eMaterial:\u003c\/b\u003e Hardboard MDF 3mm with cork backing 1mm\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cb\u003eFinish:\u003c\/b\u003e High-gloss coating — wipeable and defiantly cheerful\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cb\u003eDimensions:\u003c\/b\u003e 95 × 95 × 4mm (3.74″ × 3.74″ × 0.16″) with rounded corners\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cb\u003ePerformance:\u003c\/b\u003e Water-repellent, heat-resistant, and non-slip\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cb\u003eMaintenance:\u003c\/b\u003e Wipe clean. Unlike the reputation of anyone who reads it aloud.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cb\u003eSold as:\u003c\/b\u003e Single coaster\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\u003ch3\u003e\u003cb\u003eWho Is This For? (The Victims)\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/h3\u003e\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cb\u003eThe Wordplay Enthusiast:\u003c\/b\u003e For the person who appreciates a joke that requires a second read and then a sharp intake of breath.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cb\u003eThe Anti-Romantic:\u003c\/b\u003e For anyone who has decided that love is fine but a good pun is better.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cb\u003eThe Hen Do Staple:\u003c\/b\u003e An essential addition to any celebration that aims to be both tasteful and absolutely not.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cb\u003eFans of Rude Novelty Gifts:\u003c\/b\u003e For anyone who believes their coaster collection has been far too innocent for far too long.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e","brand":"CUCUMBER DOG","offers":[{"title":"Default Title","offer_id":51534351925590,"sku":"3601782_15662","price":12.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0955\/7793\/2118\/files\/cork-back-coaster-front-68e9145fdd39c.jpg?v=1777640514"},{"product_id":"i-still-owe-jesus-a-fiver-white-mug","title":"I Still Owe Jesus A Fiver White Mug","description":"Whether you're drinking your morning coffee, evening tea, or something in between—this mug's for you! It's sturdy and glossy with a vivid print that'll withstand the microwave and dishwasher.\u003cbr\u003e\n\u003cbr\u003e\n• Ceramic\u003cbr\u003e\n• 11 oz mug dimensions: 3.8″ (9.6 cm) in height, 3.2″ (8.2 cm) in diameter\u003cbr\u003e\n• 15 oz mug dimensions: 4.7″ (11.9 cm) in height, 3.3″ (8.5 cm) in diameter\u003cbr\u003e\n• Lead and BPA-free material\u003cbr\u003e\n• Dishwasher and microwave safe\u003cbr\u003e\n• Blank product sourced from China\u003cbr\u003e\n\u003cbr\u003e\nThis product is made especially for you as soon as you place an order, which is why it takes us a bit longer to deliver it to you. Making products on demand instead of in bulk helps reduce overproduction, so thank you for making thoughtful purchasing decisions!","brand":"CUCUMBER DOG","offers":[{"title":"11 oz","offer_id":51539733250390,"sku":"7033145_1320","price":17.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"15 oz","offer_id":51539733283158,"sku":"7033145_4830","price":19.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0955\/7793\/2118\/files\/white-glossy-mug-white-11-oz-handle-on-right-68f8f3cf52b4a.jpg?v=1761145816"},{"product_id":"i-talk-to-myself-white-glossy-mug","title":"\"Talk To Myself\" Sarcastic Mug | Sir Cucumber Dog","description":"\u003ch3 data-path-to-node=\"3\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"3\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eThe Only Intelligent Conversation Left\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/h3\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"4\"\u003eSir Cucumber Dog has spent a considerable amount of time observing human interaction, and frankly, he is unimpressed. The small talk, the weather, the unsolicited opinions: it is all quite exhausting. He has concluded that the only way to guarantee a high level of intellectual discourse is to simply speak to yourself.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"5\"\u003eThis premium ceramic mug features the Chairman in his signature cucumber-print suit, looking on as you enjoy a private joke with the only person who truly understands you: yourself. The bold text reads: \"SOMETIMES I TALK TO MYSELF BECAUSE I NEED EXPERT ADVICE.\" It is the perfect vessel for the office eccentric, the home-worker who has gone slightly feral, or anyone who finds the rest of society to be a bit of a letdown.\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"7\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003chr data-path-to-node=\"9\"\u003e\n\u003ch3 data-path-to-node=\"10\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"10\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eWhy You Absolutely Require This Vessel\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/h3\u003e\n\u003cul data-path-to-node=\"11\"\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"11,0,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"11,0,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eThe Anti-Social Shield:\u003c\/b\u003e Hold this mug up during meetings to signal that you are already engaged in a far more interesting internal dialogue.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"11,1,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"11,1,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003ePremium Ceramic Build:\u003c\/b\u003e Whether you are sipping an Earl Grey or a stiff black coffee, this high-gloss white ceramic ensures your drink stays warm while your social life cools off.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"11,2,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"11,2,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eDishwasher and Microwave Safe:\u003c\/b\u003e The Chairman’s scowl is engineered to withstand the heat. The print is high-definition and designed to resist fading, even after hundreds of washes.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"11,3,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"11,3,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eThe Perfect Gift:\u003c\/b\u003e An ideal choice for that one friend who is legally prohibited from being \"the life of the party.\"\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\u003chr data-path-to-node=\"12\"\u003e\n\u003ch3 data-path-to-node=\"13\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"13\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eTechnical Specifications\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/h3\u003e\n\u003cul data-path-to-node=\"14\"\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"14,0,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"14,0,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eSize Options:\u003c\/b\u003e Available in a standard 11oz or a generous 15oz for those who have a lot to say to themselves.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"14,1,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"14,1,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eQuality Materials:\u003c\/b\u003e 100% glossy white ceramic with a vibrant, long-lasting print.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"14,2,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"14,2,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eSafety First:\u003c\/b\u003e Lead and BPA-free. We protect your health so you can continue your solitary monologues in peace.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e","brand":"CUCUMBER DOG","offers":[{"title":"11 oz","offer_id":51539734462806,"sku":"1262161_1320","price":17.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"15 oz","offer_id":51539734495574,"sku":"1262161_4830","price":19.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0955\/7793\/2118\/files\/white-glossy-mug-white-11-oz-handle-on-right-69e7b1a3cafbb.jpg?v=1776793393"},{"product_id":"my-favourite-word-is-moist-white-mug","title":"\"My Favourite Word is Moist\" Mug | Sir Cucumber Dog","description":"\u003ch3 data-path-to-node=\"6\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"6\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eA Linguistic Weapon of Mass Irritation\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/h3\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"7\"\u003eSir Cucumber Dog has observed that the human race possesses a peculiar, collective loathing for a specific six-letter word. While he, being a cucumber-based entity, finds the concept of \"moisture\" to be a sign of peak freshness, he recognizes that for you lot, it is the verbal equivalent of a damp handshake.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"8\"\u003eNaturally, he has decided to put it on a mug.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"9\"\u003eThis premium ceramic vessel features the Chairman in his signature cucumber-print suit, looking on with his usual aristocratic disdain as you watch your colleagues visibly shudder. The bold text proudly declares your preference for the most hated word in the English language. It is the perfect choice for the office antagonist, the professional pot-stirrer, or anyone who enjoys the silence that follows a truly uncomfortable statement.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003chr data-path-to-node=\"10\"\u003e\n\u003ch3 data-path-to-node=\"11\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"11\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eThe Chairman’s Audit: Offensive Rating\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/h3\u003e\n\u003cul data-path-to-node=\"12\"\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"12,0,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"12,0,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eOffensive Rating:\u003c\/b\u003e 4\/5\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"12,1,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"12,1,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eThe Chairman’s Quote:\u003c\/b\u003e \"Visceral. Unpleasant. A linguistic crime against humanity. Sir Cucumber Dog is delighted by the discomfort this will cause.\"\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\u003chr data-path-to-node=\"13\"\u003e\n\u003ch3 data-path-to-node=\"14\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"14\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eWhy You Absolutely Require This Vessel\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/h3\u003e\n\u003cul data-path-to-node=\"15\"\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"15,0,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"15,0,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eMaximum Cringe Factor:\u003c\/b\u003e Most rude mugs use profanity: this mug uses psychological warfare. It is far more effective at clearing a room.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"15,1,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"15,1,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eThe Vault Exclusive:\u003c\/b\u003e As part of our NSFW range, this is designed for those who have abandoned all hope of being liked and have chosen to be memorable instead.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"15,2,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"15,2,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eElite Ceramic Build:\u003c\/b\u003e Crafted from high-gloss white ceramic, ensuring the \u003cb data-path-to-node=\"15,2,0\" data-index-in-node=\"73\"\u003eCucumber green\u003c\/b\u003e accents stay vibrant while you ruin everyone’s morning coffee.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"15,3,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"15,3,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eBuilt for Chaos:\u003c\/b\u003e Dishwasher and microwave safe. The Chairman’s scowl and that dreaded word are engineered to resist fading, much like the memory of your poor social choices.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\u003ch3 data-path-to-node=\"16\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"16\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eTechnical Specifications\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/h3\u003e\n\u003cul data-path-to-node=\"17\"\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"17,0,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"17,0,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eSize Options:\u003c\/b\u003e Available in a standard 11oz or a generous 15oz for when you have a lot of moisture to celebrate.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"17,1,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"17,1,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eQuality Materials:\u003c\/b\u003e 100% glossy white ceramic with a high-definition, long-lasting print.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"17,2,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"17,2,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eSafety First:\u003c\/b\u003e Lead and BPA-free. We protect your physical health while you damage your social standing.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e","brand":"CUCUMBER DOG","offers":[{"title":"11 oz","offer_id":51541216133462,"sku":"9160027_1320","price":17.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"15 oz","offer_id":51541216166230,"sku":"9160027_4830","price":19.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0955\/7793\/2118\/files\/white-glossy-mug-white-11-oz-handle-on-right-69e79cd9b7ab3.jpg?v=1776793781"},{"product_id":"you-cant-hear-the-sunrise-t-shirt","title":"You Can't Hear the Sunrise Tee: The Masterpiece of Meaningless Wisdom","description":"\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"4\"\u003eHave you ever stood at dawn, breath bated, waiting for the celestial roar of the sun, only to be met with a deafening silence? Sir Cucumber Dog has the answer. It is your shoes. They are tied. And frankly, your lack of solar acoustics is embarrassing.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003ch3 data-path-to-node=\"5\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"5\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eWhy This Shirt Is Deeper Than Your Pockets (Probably)\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/h3\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"6\"\u003eThis design is the ultimate statement for confusing the \"enlightened\" and amusing the cynics. It is a garment of pure, unadulterated nonsense, curated by a pug who thinks your attempts at philosophy are adorable but ultimately futile.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cul data-path-to-node=\"7\"\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"7,0,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"7,0,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eProfoundly Absurd:\u003c\/b\u003e Designed specifically to make people squint at your chest in a state of existential confusion. It is the perfect icebreaker for people you probably don't want to talk to anyway.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"7,1,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"7,1,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eSir Cucumber Dog’s Wisdom:\u003c\/b\u003e Our canine philosopher has lent his gravitas to this utterly meaningless phrase. He found it written on a discarded snack wrapper and decided it was exactly the kind of drivel humans would pay for.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"7,2,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"7,2,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eQuality \u0026amp; Comfort:\u003c\/b\u003e Made from soft, sturdy cotton. Because if you are going to have deep, nonsensical thoughts, you might as well do it without an itchy collar.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"7,3,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"7,3,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eFree UK Shipping:\u003c\/b\u003e We will dispatch this garment of enlightenment directly to your door with zero extra faff. The Chairman has already paid the delivery driver in judgmental glares.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\u003chr data-path-to-node=\"11\"\u003e\n\u003ch3 data-path-to-node=\"12\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"12\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eThe Fabric \u0026amp; Fiddly Bits\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/h3\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"13\"\u003eFor the discerning thinker who cares about more than just solar acoustics, here are the technical specifications:\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cul data-path-to-node=\"14\"\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"14,0,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"14,0,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eAvailable Colours:\u003c\/b\u003e Black, Navy, and Purple. (The purple is particularly regal, though the Chairman still prefers green).\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"14,1,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"14,1,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eFabric Composition:\u003c\/b\u003e Solid colours are 100% cotton for pure, breathable nonsense.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"14,2,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"14,2,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eFabric Weight:\u003c\/b\u003e A solid 5.0 to 5.3 oz\/yd² (170 to 180 g\/m²). It is a reassuringly tangible truth in an uncertain world.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"14,3,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"14,3,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eSuperior Construction:\u003c\/b\u003e Made with open end yarn and tubular fabric, featuring a taped neck and shoulders.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"14,4,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"14,4,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eDurability:\u003c\/b\u003e Includes double seams at the sleeves and bottom hem. It is built to last, unlike the fleeting nature of human understanding.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong class=\"size-guide-title\" style=\"font-size: 0.875rem;\"\u003eSize guide\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"table-responsive dynamic\" data-unit-system=\"imperial\"\u003e\n\u003ctable cellpadding=\"5\"\u003e\n\u003ctbody\u003e\n\u003ctr\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e \u003c\/td\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eLENGTH (inches)\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/td\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWIDTH (inches)\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/td\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eSLEEVE LENGTH (inches)\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/td\u003e\n\u003c\/tr\u003e\n\u003ctr\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eS\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/td\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e28\u003c\/td\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e18\u003c\/td\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e15 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½\u003c\/td\u003e\n\u003c\/tr\u003e\n\u003ctr\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e\u003cstrong\u003e3XL\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/td\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e33\u003c\/td\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e28\u003c\/td\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e22 ¾\u003c\/td\u003e\n\u003c\/tr\u003e\n\u003c\/tbody\u003e\n\u003c\/table\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"table-responsive dynamic\" data-unit-system=\"metric\"\u003e\n\u003ctable cellpadding=\"5\"\u003e\n\u003ctbody\u003e\n\u003ctr\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e \u003c\/td\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eLENGTH (cm)\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/td\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWIDTH (cm)\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/td\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eSLEEVE LENGTH 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M","offer_id":51547528921430,"sku":"1772495_11562","price":23.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Navy \/ L","offer_id":51547528954198,"sku":"1772495_11563","price":23.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Navy \/ XL","offer_id":51547528986966,"sku":"1772495_11564","price":23.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Navy \/ 2XL","offer_id":51547529019734,"sku":"1772495_11565","price":23.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Navy \/ 3XL","offer_id":51547529052502,"sku":"1772495_12653","price":23.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Purple \/ S","offer_id":51547529085270,"sku":"1772495_15873","price":23.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Purple \/ M","offer_id":51547529118038,"sku":"1772495_15874","price":23.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Purple \/ L","offer_id":51547529150806,"sku":"1772495_15875","price":23.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Purple \/ XL","offer_id":51547529183574,"sku":"1772495_15876","price":23.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Purple \/ 2XL","offer_id":51547529216342,"sku":"1772495_15877","price":23.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Purple \/ 3XL","offer_id":51547529249110,"sku":"1772495_15878","price":23.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Carolina Blue \/ S","offer_id":51547529281878,"sku":"1772495_15825","price":23.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Carolina Blue \/ M","offer_id":51547529314646,"sku":"1772495_15826","price":23.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Carolina Blue \/ L","offer_id":51547529347414,"sku":"1772495_15827","price":23.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Carolina Blue \/ XL","offer_id":51547529380182,"sku":"1772495_15828","price":23.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Carolina Blue \/ 2XL","offer_id":51547529412950,"sku":"1772495_15829","price":23.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Carolina Blue \/ 3XL","offer_id":51547529445718,"sku":"1772495_15830","price":23.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Gold \/ S","offer_id":51547529478486,"sku":"1772495_15849","price":23.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Gold \/ M","offer_id":51547529511254,"sku":"1772495_15850","price":23.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Gold \/ L","offer_id":51547529544022,"sku":"1772495_15851","price":23.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Gold \/ XL","offer_id":51547529576790,"sku":"1772495_15852","price":23.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Gold \/ 2XL","offer_id":51547529609558,"sku":"1772495_15853","price":23.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Gold \/ 3XL","offer_id":51547529642326,"sku":"1772495_15854","price":23.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0955\/7793\/2118\/files\/unisex-classic-tee-black-front-69ea384a06cd5.jpg?v=1776958206"},{"product_id":"see-reverse-for-details-t-shirt","title":"(SEE REVERSE FOR DETAILS) T-Shirt","description":"You are a connoisseur of the low-effort, high-impact wind-up. You appreciate the art of making someone do something for absolutely no reason. This T-shirt is your masterpiece. It’s a beautifully simple contract of curiosity that you have no intention of honouring.\u003cbr\u003e\n\u003cbr\u003e\nThis tee makes a simple, intriguing offer: \"(SEE REVERSE FOR DETAILS)\". What details? Important, life-changing details? The punchline to a joke? The winning lottery numbers? No. The reverse is blank. The detail is that there are no details. Presiding over this magnificent act of time-wasting is Sir Cucumber Dog, in full colour. He knows there's nothing on the back. Your victim's brief moment of confused disappointment is his reward.\u003cbr\u003e\n\u003cbr\u003e\nPerfect for wearing in queues, on packed public transport, or anywhere you want to enjoy the quiet satisfaction of knowing you've just made a complete stranger look at your back for no reason at all.\u003cbr\u003e\n\u003cbr\u003e\nWhy This Shirt is a Work of Art:\u003cbr\u003e\n\u003cbr\u003e\nThe Ultimate Anti-Climax: A beautifully crafted joke with a punchline of pure nothingness.\u003cbr\u003e\n\u003cbr\u003e\nSir Cucumber Dog in Full Colour: Our dapper pug is the smug face of your pointless prank.\u003cbr\u003e\n\u003cbr\u003e\nRoyal Mail, On The House: Dispatched with Free UK Shipping, because wasting people's time should be free.\u003cbr\u003e\n\u003cbr\u003e\nComfort for the Con Artist: Made from soft, sturdy cotton, ideal for walking away nonchalantly as someone squints at your blank back.\u003cbr\u003e\n\u003cbr\u003e\nThe Fiddly Bits (Specs):\u003cbr\u003e\n\u003cbr\u003e\nFabric Composition:\u003cbr\u003e\n\u003cbr\u003e\nSolid colours are 100% cotton.\u003cbr\u003e\n\u003cbr\u003e\nSport Grey is 90% cotton, 10% polyester.\u003cbr\u003e\n\u003cbr\u003e\nAsh Grey is 99% cotton, 1% polyester.\u003cbr\u003e\n\u003cbr\u003e\nHeather colours are a 50\/50 cotton\/polyester blend of pure, unwarranted curiosity.\u003cbr\u003e\n\u003cbr\u003e\nFabric Weight: A solid 5.0–5.3 oz\/yd² (170-180 g\/m²).\u003cbr\u003e\n\u003cbr\u003e\nConstruction: Made with open-end yarn and tubular fabric, with a taped neck and shoulders. Plus double seams at the sleeves and bottom hem. It’s built to withstand the glares of the disappointed.\u003cbr\u003e\n\u003cbr\u003e\nSourced From: Our blank tees are sourced from various corners of the world (Honduras, Nicaragua, Haiti, Dominican Republic, Bangladesh, Mexico).\u003cbr\u003e\n\u003cbr\u003e\nA Note On Your Order (Freshly Printed Mischief): This shirt isn't just sitting around. Each one is printed fresh just for you the moment you place your order. This on-demand wizardry means it takes a little longer to arrive, but it's brilliant for cutting down on waste. You can't rush this level of elegant annoyance.\u003cbr\u003e\n\u003cbr\u003e\nHeads-Up (Disclaimers):\u003cbr\u003e\n\u003cbr\u003e\nThe White tee is more of an 'off-white'.\u003cbr\u003e\n\u003cbr\u003e\nThe Natural colour has dark speckles in it. 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AGAIN!\" Mug Funny Gym Rat Mug \u0026 Sarcastic Fitness Gift","description":"\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"3\"\u003eNeed a dose of delusion to start your day? This mug, featuring your brand's mascot, the impeccably dressed \u003cb\u003eSir Cucumber Dog\u003c\/b\u003e, delivers the perfect hit of sarcastic swagger.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"4\"\u003eSir Cucumber Dog—the plush toy pug in the \u003cb\u003ecucumber-print suit\u003c\/b\u003e, yellow bow tie, and signature monocle—may look dapper, but he's also utterly convinced of his own physique. The bold text, \"\u003cb\u003eI WOKE UP LOOKING BUFF. AGAIN!\u003c\/b\u003e\" makes this the ultimate \u003cb\u003efunny gift\u003c\/b\u003e for anyone who frequently skips leg day, struggles with morning routines, or just loves self-deprecating, \u003cb\u003erude humour\u003c\/b\u003e.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"5\"\u003eIt's a brilliant \u003cb\u003egag gift\u003c\/b\u003e for a gym-goer who takes themselves too seriously, a brilliant \u003cb\u003esarcastic coffee mug\u003c\/b\u003e for a colleague, or a perfect treat for yourself. Forget fitness, focus on the funny!\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"6\"\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003ch3\u003eKey Features:\u003c\/h3\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cul data-path-to-node=\"7\"\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"7,0,0\"\u003e\u003cb\u003eDesign:\u003c\/b\u003e Features the dapper pug, Sir Cucumber Dog, and the highly confident text, \"\u003cb\u003eI WOKE UP LOOKING BUFF. 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Making products on demand instead of in bulk helps reduce overproduction, so thank you for making thoughtful purchasing decisions!\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"CUCUMBER DOG","offers":[{"title":"11 oz","offer_id":51620209066326,"sku":"3380572_1320","price":17.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"15 oz","offer_id":51620209099094,"sku":"3380572_4830","price":19.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0955\/7793\/2118\/files\/white-glossy-mug-white-11-oz-handle-on-right-69e75870dcbb1.jpg?v=1776769146"},{"product_id":"the-dog-t-shirt","title":"THE DOG T-Shirt","description":"The 100% cotton unisex classic tee will help you land a more structured look. It sits nicely, maintains sharp lines around the edges, and goes perfectly with layered streetwear outfits. 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While Sir Cucumber Dog finds the mechanics of the human digestive system entirely vulgar, he cannot help but admire a human who seeks a founding membership for it. This premium ceramic mug officially welcomes you to the \u003cb data-path-to-node=\"10\" data-index-in-node=\"343\"\u003eAnal Applause Appreciation Society\u003c\/b\u003e.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"11\"\u003eDesigned for those who have abandoned all hope of social acceptance, this vessel features a sophisticated \u003cb data-path-to-node=\"11\" data-index-in-node=\"106\"\u003eCucumber cream\u003c\/b\u003e background. The design is anchored by a regal, ornate green banner with gold-style detailing, providing a level of Victorian elegance that makes the phrase \"Anal Applause\" look surprisingly high-class. Centre stage is Sir Cucumber Dog himself: dressed in his signature cucumber-print suit and monocle, wearing an expression of intense, aristocratic disdain.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003ch3 data-path-to-node=\"12\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"12\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eWhy You Absolutely Require This Vessel\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/h3\u003e\n\u003cul data-path-to-node=\"13\"\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"13,0,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"13,0,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eThe Ultimate Social Deterrent:\u003c\/b\u003e Bringing this into a professional environment is a definitive power move. It ensures that no one will ever ask you to lead a \"wellness seminar\" or volunteer for the office tea round again.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"13,1,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"13,1,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003ePremium Ceramic Authority:\u003c\/b\u003e We do not trade in flimsy kitchenware. This is crafted from high-gloss white ceramic, ensuring the Cucumber green banner and yellow bow tie remain crisp and vibrant through every use.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"13,2,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"13,2,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eResistant to Shame and Detergent:\u003c\/b\u003e Built to handle the heat of a Monday morning or the late-night tea rounds, this mug is fully dishwasher and microwave safe. The print is engineered to resist fading, even if you try to wash away the mental image.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\u003ch3 data-path-to-node=\"14\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"14\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eTechnical Specifications for the Unfiltered\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/h3\u003e\n\u003cul data-path-to-node=\"15\"\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"15,0,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"15,0,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003e11oz Standard:\u003c\/b\u003e The classic choice for a quick hit of caffeine or a modest tea. Perfect for those who prefer their insults concentrated.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"15,1,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"15,1,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003e15oz Mega:\u003c\/b\u003e For those who require a substantial amount of liquid to cope with their social isolation. More mug means more room for judgement.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"15,2,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"15,2,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eMaterial:\u003c\/b\u003e 100% Glossy white ceramic with a full-wrap Cucumber cream finish.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"15,3,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"15,3,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eSafety Standards:\u003c\/b\u003e Entirely BPA-free and lead-free. Sir Cucumber Dog cares about your health, even if you clearly do not care about your reputation.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e","brand":"CUCUMBER DOG","offers":[{"title":"11 oz","offer_id":51647140200790,"sku":"5894601_1320","price":17.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"15 oz","offer_id":51647140233558,"sku":"5894601_4830","price":19.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0955\/7793\/2118\/files\/white-glossy-mug-white-11-oz-handle-on-right-69e7650611e18.jpg?v=1776772791"},{"product_id":"two-brain-cells-mug","title":"Two Brain Cells Mug | Sir Cucumber Dog","description":"\u003ch3 data-path-to-node=\"3\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"3\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eA Scientific Analysis of Modern Intelligence\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/h3\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"4\"\u003eIt has come to the Chairman’s attention that many of you are operating on a severely limited internal processing unit. Sir Cucumber Dog has observed that for most of the population, there are exactly two brain cells remaining: and they are currently fighting for third place.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"5\"\u003eThis premium ceramic vessel is not just a mug, it is a diagnostic tool for your office environment. Whether you are drinking a robust English breakfast tea or a double espresso to jumpstart your own stalled neurons, this mug serves as a constant reminder of the intellectual desert you navigate daily. Featuring Sir Cucumber Dog in his signature cucumber print suit and monocle, looking on with a mixture of pity and aristocratic boredom, it is the ultimate gift for the person who is tired of explaining simple concepts to their colleagues.\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"7\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003chr data-path-to-node=\"9\"\u003e\n\u003ch3 data-path-to-node=\"10\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"10\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eWhy You Absolutely Require This Vessel\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/h3\u003e\n\u003cul data-path-to-node=\"11\"\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"11,0,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"11,0,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eElite Social Commentary:\u003c\/b\u003e This is the most sophisticated way to tell someone they are a few sandwiches short of a picnic without actually saying a word.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"11,1,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"11,1,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eProfessional Grade Ceramic:\u003c\/b\u003e Crafted from high-gloss white ceramic to ensure the vibrant Cucumber green and yellow accents pop against the pristine background.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"11,2,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"11,2,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eBuilt to Last:\u003c\/b\u003e Just because the subject matter is flimsy doesn't mean the mug is. This is a sturdy piece of kitchenware designed to withstand the dishwasher and the microwave.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"11,3,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"11,3,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eUniversal Truth:\u003c\/b\u003e Whether you are in a boardroom or a break room, the message remains painfully relevant. It is a masterclass in British sarcasm.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\u003chr data-path-to-node=\"12\"\u003e\n\u003ch3 data-path-to-node=\"13\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"13\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eTechnical Specifications for the Discerning\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/h3\u003e\n\u003cul data-path-to-node=\"14\"\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"14,0,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"14,0,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eSize Options:\u003c\/b\u003e Available in 11oz for a standard hit of caffeine, or 15oz for those who need extra volume to cope with the surrounding mediocrity.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"14,1,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"14,1,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eSafety First:\u003c\/b\u003e Entirely BPA and lead-free. We care about your health, even if we have given up on your intellectual potential.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"14,2,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"14,2,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003ePrint Quality:\u003c\/b\u003e We use elite printing partners to ensure the Chairman’s scowl remains crisp and judgemental for years to come.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"8,1,0\"\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"CUCUMBER DOG","offers":[{"title":"11 oz","offer_id":51647539118422,"sku":"3837852_1320","price":17.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"15 oz","offer_id":51647539151190,"sku":"3837852_4830","price":19.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0955\/7793\/2118\/files\/Sir_Cucumber_Dog_the_pug_and_the_text_Two_Brain_Cells_Fighting_for_Third_Place_in_bold_black_and_green_lettering._cucumber_dog.jpg?v=1779801615"},{"product_id":"the-fart-factory-fuelling-station-dog-bowl-mat","title":"The Fart Factory Fuelling Station: Dog Bowl Mat","description":"\u003cp\u003eLet's face it. Your dog's dining corner isn't a bistro; it's a high-octane fuelling station for their... \u003ci\u003einternal processes\u003c\/i\u003e. Why pretend otherwise? Embrace the smelly reality with this hilarious (and painfully accurate) dog bowl mat.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eThis mat turns every meal into a toxic event warning. It features two deeply unimpressed \u003cb\u003eSir Cucumber Dogs\u003c\/b\u003e, judging every slurp in their signature cucumber-print suits and monocles. They're presiding over the main event: the \"Fart-O-Meter.\"\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eIs your dog \u003cb\u003e\"Brewing,\"\u003c\/b\u003e \u003cb\u003e\"Leaking,\"\u003c\/b\u003e or at the critical \u003cb\u003e\"RUN\"\u003c\/b\u003e capacity? (Let's be honest, the needle is stuck on \"RUN\").\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eSet against a vibrant lime green background and finished with industrial-strength hazard stripes, this mat makes a statement.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eWhy Your Gassy Gremlin Needs This:\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eHilarious \u0026amp; Honest:\u003c\/b\u003e The perfect gift for any pug, bulldog, or gassy beast owner who is tired of pretending.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eFloor Protection:\u003c\/b\u003e Catches all the inevitable dribbles, splats, and slobber from the fuelling process.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eStays Put:\u003c\/b\u003e A non-slip backing keeps bowls from skating across the kitchen, no matter how aggressively they eat.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\u003cp\u003eStop denying the truth. Order the Fart Factory Fuelling Station mat and finally call your dog's mealtime what it really is.\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"CUCUMBER DOG","offers":[{"title":"Green","offer_id":51770442154326,"sku":"BAR-RUNNER","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0955\/7793\/2118\/files\/mockup-5565cd8d77488fcbfa912c23b4ec3e53-_1.png?v=1762769404"},{"product_id":"twats-food-corner-pet-bowl-mat","title":"Twats Food Corner\" Pet Bowl Mat","description":"\u003cp\u003eLet's be honest, feeding time can be a disaster zone. If your beloved little monster eats like they’ve been raised by wolves, it’s time to officially designate their dining area. Welcome to the \u003cb\u003e\"Twats Food Corner\"\u003c\/b\u003e – the only dining mat that’s as cheeky as they are.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eThis isn't just a mat; it's a statement.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003ePresiding over the chaos are two illustrations of your favourite grumpy-but-dapper pug, \u003cb\u003eSir Cucumber Dog\u003c\/b\u003e. Dressed in his signature cucumber-print suit, yellow bow tie, and monocle, he casts a judgemental eye over every stray kibble and sloppy splash. He’s seen it all, and he is not impressed.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eSet against your brand's signature \u003cb\u003elime green\u003c\/b\u003e background with a stylish bone pattern, this mat is the perfect blend of rude humour and (dare we say) sophistication.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003chr\u003e\u003cp\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\u003ch3\u003eKey Features:\u003c\/h3\u003e\u003cp\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eFor the Discerningly Messy Pet:\u003c\/b\u003e This mat proudly marks their territory. Ideal for the dog who slurps, the cat who flings, or any four-legged friend with questionable table manners.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eGenerous Size (60x4A0cm):\u003c\/b\u003e Large enough to comfortably fit both food and water bowls, creating a dedicated \"splash zone\" that protects your clean floors from the ensuing carnage.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eStays Put:\u003c\/b\u003e Features a non-slip rubber backing to ensure the mat—and the bowls—stay exactly where you put them. No more chasing the water bowl across the kitchen.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eAbsorbent \u0026amp; Easy to Clean:\u003c\/b\u003e The durable, absorbent fabric top soaks up spills and is easy to wipe clean, keeping Sir Cucumber Dog looking his dapper (and judgemental) best, meal after meal.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eVibrant \u0026amp; Rude:\u003c\/b\u003e The high-quality print ensures the lime green stays bright and the text stays offensive. It’s a guaranteed conversation-starter (or stopper, depending on your guests).\u003c\/p\u003e\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eStop scrubbing the floor and give your little twat the dining station they truly deserve.\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"CUCUMBER DOG","offers":[{"title":"White","offer_id":51774298947926,"sku":"BAR-RUNNER","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0955\/7793\/2118\/files\/mockup-df8dfeab4c3d1050df7b64e850213c05-_1.png?v=1762769400"},{"product_id":"feed-me-bitch-pet-bowl-mat","title":"\"Feed Me Bitch!\" Pet Bowl Mat","description":"\u003cp\u003eTired of subtle hints? The pawing, the staring, the pathetic whining? Let's cut the crap. Your pet has one thing on its mind, and this mat screams it for them.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThis isn't just a pet mat; it's a ransom note. And your lazy arse is the hostage negotiator.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eForget gentle reminders. This mat features the message \u003cb\u003e\"FEED ME BITCH!\"\u003c\/b\u003e in a font that looks like it was cut out of a magazine by a tiny, furry criminal. Set against a stark black background, this mat makes your pet's demands impossible to ignore. It’s the perfect spot for the four-legged dictator who rules your house.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIf your pet could talk, this is \u003ci\u003eexactly\u003c\/i\u003e what they'd be saying. Probably while staring at you from 2cm away at 5 AM.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003chr\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003ch3\u003eKey Features:\u003c\/h3\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eHilariously Abusive:\u003c\/b\u003e Finally, a product that understands the true nature of your relationship with your pet. It's not love; it's a hostage situation.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eKeeps Their Shit Tidy:\u003c\/b\u003e This \u003cb\u003egenerous 60x40cm mat\u003c\/b\u003e creates the perfect \"demands zone,\" catching all the slobber and kibble shrapnel they launch while you obey their orders.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eStays Put (Unlike Your Pet):\u003c\/b\u003e The \u003cb\u003enon-slip rubber backing\u003c\/b\u003e ensures the mat doesn't slide around, even when they're frantically trying to inhale their food in under 10 seconds.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eWipes Clean:\u003c\/b\u003e Made from durable, absorbent fabric that’s easy to wipe down. Because let's face it, the last thing you want to do after being insulted is scrub the floor.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eBold as F*ck:\u003c\/b\u003e The high-quality print won't fade, keeping the message loud, clear, and offensive for many meals to come.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eStop pretending you're in charge. Buy the mat. Feed the bitch.\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eSize 44x22cm\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"CUCUMBER DOG","offers":[{"title":"White","offer_id":51774324343126,"sku":"BAR-RUNNER","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0955\/7793\/2118\/files\/mockup-22a7565f1ac08b9a2a38741a03cb6654-_1.png?v=1762769395"},{"product_id":"the-boss-sir-cucumber-dog-coasters-x4","title":"Sir Cucumber Dog Coasters (Set of 4) | Rude Pug Gift | Funny Novelty Coaster Set","description":"\u003cp\u003eLet's be honest. Your tables are crying out for help. Those coffee rings aren't \"rustic,\" they're a crime. Enter \u003cb\u003eSir Cucumber Dog\u003c\/b\u003e, the hero your furniture deserves.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThis dapper, grumpy-faced \u003cb\u003epug\u003c\/b\u003e is here to silently judge your beverage choices while flawlessly protecting your surfaces. Dressed in his signature \u003cb\u003ecucumber-print suit\u003c\/b\u003e, he’s ready to add some serious \u003cb\u003eattitude\u003c\/b\u003e to your living room, \u003cb\u003eoffice\u003c\/b\u003e, or \u003cb\u003ehome bar\u003c\/b\u003e.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThis \u003cb\u003eset of four coasters\u003c\/b\u003e is the perfect \u003cb\u003erude gift\u003c\/b\u003e for anyone who loves \u003cb\u003epugs\u003c\/b\u003e, hates stains, or just has a gloriously \u003cb\u003efunny sense of humour\u003c\/b\u003e. It's the essential \u003cb\u003enovelty home decor\u003c\/b\u003e accessory for a \u003cb\u003echeeky brand\u003c\/b\u003e fan.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003e👑 The Royal Specs (Coasters That Tell the Truth) 👑\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli style=\"list-style-type: none;\"\u003e\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eA Full Squad (Pack of 4):\u003c\/b\u003e You get \u003cb\u003efour coasters\u003c\/b\u003e, each featuring Sir Cucumber's unimpressed face—perfect for any \u003cb\u003ecoffee table\u003c\/b\u003e.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eGenerously Sized:\u003c\/b\u003e \u003cstrong\u003e96 x 96mm\u003c\/strong\u003e Ideal for everything from your morning coffee mug to your evening \u003cb\u003ewine glass\u003c\/b\u003e or beer pint.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eProperly Chunky: \u003c\/b\u003e\u003cstrong\u003e4mm\u003c\/strong\u003e These aren't flimsy bits of cardboard. They’re substantial, \u003cb\u003edurable\u003c\/b\u003e, and ready to take on even your clumsiest moments.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eNo-Slip Grip (Natural Cork Base):\u003c\/b\u003e The \u003cb\u003enon-slip\u003c\/b\u003e cork bottom ensures your drink (and Sir Cucumber) stays exactly where you put it, protecting your \u003cb\u003ewooden furniture\u003c\/b\u003e.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eSlick \u0026amp; Glossy (Wipeable Finish):\u003c\/b\u003e A high-gloss, vibrant finish not only makes the \u003cb\u003elime green\u003c\/b\u003e background pop, but it’s also \u003cb\u003eridiculously easy to wipe clean\u003c\/b\u003e.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e","brand":"CUCUMBER DOG","offers":[{"title":"White","offer_id":51775396938070,"sku":"COASTER-WHI","price":20.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0955\/7793\/2118\/files\/mockup-b144f4f0e9bab74988f4960913d88f87-_1.png?v=1762769391"},{"product_id":"festive-middle-finger-magic-mug-heat-changing-mug","title":"Rude Christmas Mug | Colour Changing \"Festive Finger\" Novelty Gift | Secret Santa","description":"\u003c!--StartFragment--\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eGive the Gift of a Festive Surprise!\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eKnow someone who's a little bit naughty and nice? Or maybe just naughty? This \u003cb\u003erude Christmas mug\u003c\/b\u003e is the ultimate holiday \u003cb\u003eprank\u003c\/b\u003e, wrapped in a layer of magic.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt starts as a sleek, unassuming 11oz black mug. But pour in a hot coffee, tea, or hot chocolate, and watch the Christmas \"magic\" happen... BAM! A row of four cheeky, \u003cb\u003ewinking middle fingers\u003c\/b\u003e in Santa hats appears to greet the world. It’s the perfect way to say \u003cb\u003e\"Seasons Greetings\"\u003c\/b\u003e with a healthy dose of \u003cb\u003eattitude\u003c\/b\u003e. This isn't just a mug; it's a \u003cb\u003estatement piece\u003c\/b\u003e for anyone who loves their holidays with a side of \u003cb\u003esarcasm\u003c\/b\u003e.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eWhy It's the Perfect Festive Gift:\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eThe Ultimate Secret Santa:\u003c\/b\u003e Guaranteed to be the most talked-about \u003cb\u003eoffice party gift\u003c\/b\u003e!\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eHilarious Stocking Stuffer:\u003c\/b\u003e Surprise your favourite \u003cb\u003egrinch\u003c\/b\u003e with a gift that truly understands their festive spirit.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eWhite Elephant Winner:\u003c\/b\u003e You'll instantly win (or lose, depending on who you ask) the \u003cb\u003ewhite elephant exchange\u003c\/b\u003e.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eJust Because:\u003c\/b\u003e The perfect \u003cb\u003ecolour changing mug\u003c\/b\u003e for that one friend or family member who speaks \u003cb\u003efluent sarcasm\u003c\/b\u003e.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eThe Details:\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eType:\u003c\/b\u003e 11oz \u003cb\u003eColour Changing \"Magic\" Mug\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eColour:\u003c\/b\u003e Black when cold, reveals the \u003cb\u003evibrant design\u003c\/b\u003e when hot\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eDesign:\u003c\/b\u003e High-quality, durable \u003cb\u003e\"Festive Finger\"\u003c\/b\u003e print\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eMaterial:\u003c\/b\u003e Durable Ceramic\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003e⚠️ IMPORTANT CARE INSTRUCTIONS:\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eTo keep the magic alive, please follow these rules: \u003cb\u003eHAND WASH ONLY.\u003c\/b\u003e (The high heat of a dishwasher will destroy the magic coating) \u003cb\u003eNOT MICROWAVE SAFE.\u003c\/b\u003e (Seriously, don't do it.)\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c!--EndFragment--\u003e","brand":"CUCUMBER DOG","offers":[{"title":"White","offer_id":51775783436630,"sku":"COL-MUG-WHI","price":16.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0955\/7793\/2118\/files\/mockup-7664614fae91ee74f4c7ee2b2923a017-_1.png?v=1762769386"},{"product_id":"if-you-can-read-this-funny-office-mug-11oz-colour-changing","title":"Rude Colour Changing Mug | Social Battery Indicator | Funny Office Gift for Introverts","description":"\u003c!--StartFragment--\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe Ultimate \u003cb\u003eSocial Battery Indicator\u003c\/b\u003e!\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eWe all know those mornings where even breathing feels like too much \u003cb\u003esocial interaction\u003c\/b\u003e. For those days, let your \u003cb\u003ecolour changing mug\u003c\/b\u003e do the talking... or, more accurately, the warning.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThis 11oz mug starts as a sleek, innocent black void—perfectly matching how you feel inside. But as you pour in your life-giving hot beverage, a critical message magically appears in that signature, eye-watering \u003cb\u003elime green\u003c\/b\u003e: \u003cb\u003e\"IF YOU CAN READ THIS, LEAVE ME ALONE UNTIL YOU CAN'T!\"\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt’s the perfect paradox: by the time anyone can read the warning, it's already too late for them. But it serves as a clear sign that you are mid-recharge and all non-essential communication is banned until the mug is empty. This is the \u003cb\u003eperfect funny gift\u003c\/b\u003e for \u003cb\u003eintroverts\u003c\/b\u003e and anyone suffering from \u003cb\u003esocial anxiety\u003c\/b\u003e.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eWhy It's the Perfect Warning System:\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eA Clear Message:\u003c\/b\u003e No more grunting at co-workers. Just point to the \u003cb\u003eslogan mug\u003c\/b\u003e.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eHilarious Office Gift:\u003c\/b\u003e The perfect \u003cb\u003erude gift\u003c\/b\u003e for the friend or \u003cb\u003ecolleague who hates mornings\u003c\/b\u003e (and maybe people, too).\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eSarcasm Activated:\u003c\/b\u003e It's literally powered by heat and sarcasm—a genuine \u003cb\u003enovelty mug\u003c\/b\u003e.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eThat Colour!\u003c\/b\u003e It's not just any green; it's the official green of \u003cb\u003e\"I'm not kidding, go away.\"\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eThe Details:\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eType:\u003c\/b\u003e 11oz \u003cb\u003eColour Changing \"Magic\" Mug\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eColour:\u003c\/b\u003e Black when cold, reveals the design when hot\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eDesign:\u003c\/b\u003e High-quality, durable print\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eMaterial:\u003c\/b\u003e Ceramic\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003e⚠️ IMPORTANT CARE INSTRUCTIONS:\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThis mug is magical, but also a bit of a diva. To protect its powers: \u003cb\u003eHAND WASH ONLY.\u003c\/b\u003e (Dishwashers are magic-killing machines) \u003cb\u003eNOT MICROWAVE SAFE.\u003c\/b\u003e (Don't risk the meltdown)\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c!--EndFragment--\u003e","brand":"CUCUMBER DOG","offers":[{"title":"White","offer_id":51775881642326,"sku":"COL-MUG-WHI","price":16.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0955\/7793\/2118\/files\/mockup-8ebdded8c5931e1371c7f2a82ad764fc-_1.png?v=1762769382"},{"product_id":"be-warned-the-dogs-farts-stink-indoor-door-mat","title":"Rude Dog Fart Welcome Mat | Funny Pet Owner Gift | Indoor Entryway Mat","description":"\u003cdiv class=\"ng-tns-c626103359-706\"\u003e\n\u003csection class=\"processing-state_container ng-tns-c626103359-706 is-gpi-avatar ng-trigger ng-trigger-processingStateShowHide ng-star-inserted is-done-processing\" id=\"processing-state-77\"\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"processing-state_details ng-trigger ng-trigger-menuExpansion ng-tns-c626103359-706 is-gpi-avatar ng-star-inserted\" id=\"processing-state-77-summary\" aria-hidden=\"true\"\u003e\n\u003cul class=\"ng-tns-c626103359-706 is-gpi-avatar ng-star-inserted\"\u003e\n\u003cli class=\"ng-tns-c626103359-706 ng-star-inserted\"\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"tool-summary ng-tns-c626103359-706\"\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"tool-summary-message ng-tns-c626103359-706 gds-body-l ng-star-inserted\"\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"ng-tns-c626103359-706\"\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003c\/section\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"response-content ng-tns-c3968181808-705\"\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"markdown markdown-main-panel stronger enable-updated-hr-color\" id=\"model-response-message-contentr_16cb9c214e401477\" aria-live=\"polite\" aria-busy=\"false\" dir=\"ltr\"\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThat's a fantastic, direct, and universally relatable piece of dog humour! I will rewrite this to integrate strong SEO keywords, focusing on\u003cspan\u003e \u003c\/span\u003e\u003cb\u003edog farts, rude mats, novelty pet gifts,\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cspan\u003e \u003c\/span\u003eand\u003cspan\u003e \u003c\/span\u003e\u003cb\u003eindoor entryway decor.\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003ch2\u003e💨 Suggested Rewrite with SEO Keywords\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003ch3\u003e\u003cb\u003eProposed Title\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/h3\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cblockquote\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eRude Dog Fart Welcome Mat | Funny Pet Owner Gift | Indoor Entryway Mat\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/blockquote\u003e\n\u003chr\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003ch3\u003e\u003cb\u003eProposed Description\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/h3\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eGive guests an immediate, side-splitting warning before they even take their coat off! This\u003cspan\u003e \u003c\/span\u003e\u003cb\u003efunny indoor mat\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cspan\u003e \u003c\/span\u003eensures everyone knows exactly what kind of stink-tacular welcome awaits them (and who the real culprit is).\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe bold text,\u003cspan\u003e \u003c\/span\u003e\u003cb\u003e\"BE WARNED: THE DOGS FARTS STINK!\"\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cspan\u003e \u003c\/span\u003eis the ultimate\u003cspan\u003e \u003c\/span\u003e\u003cb\u003erude welcome\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cspan\u003e \u003c\/span\u003efor any\u003cspan\u003e \u003c\/span\u003e\u003cb\u003edog owner\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cspan\u003e \u003c\/span\u003ewith a great sense of humour. It’s a perfect\u003cspan\u003e \u003c\/span\u003e\u003cb\u003enovelty gift\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cspan\u003e \u003c\/span\u003eand an honest statement piece for your\u003cspan\u003e \u003c\/span\u003e\u003cb\u003eentryway\u003c\/b\u003e.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eKey Features of this Hilarious Pet Mat:\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eHilariously Rude Welcome:\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cspan\u003e \u003c\/span\u003eThe ultimate\u003cspan\u003e \u003c\/span\u003e\u003cb\u003eentrance mat\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cspan\u003e \u003c\/span\u003efor anyone who appreciates the\u003cspan\u003e \u003c\/span\u003e\u003cb\u003efunny reality of pet ownership\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cspan\u003e \u003c\/span\u003eand\u003cspan\u003e \u003c\/span\u003e\u003cb\u003edog humour\u003c\/b\u003e.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eVibrant \u0026amp; Bold:\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cspan\u003e \u003c\/span\u003eFeatures a brilliant, bold print that ensures the\u003cspan\u003e \u003c\/span\u003e\u003cb\u003efart warning message\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cspan\u003e \u003c\/span\u003epops and is\u003cspan\u003e \u003c\/span\u003e\u003cb\u003eunmissable\u003c\/b\u003e.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eSturdy \u0026amp; Safe:\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cspan\u003e \u003c\/span\u003eBuilt with a\u003cspan\u003e \u003c\/span\u003e\u003cb\u003enon-slip rubber base\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cspan\u003e \u003c\/span\u003eto keep it firmly in place, even when the dog is rushing in to deliver its gassy surprise.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eIdeal for Indoors:\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cspan\u003e \u003c\/span\u003ePerfect for your\u003cspan\u003e \u003c\/span\u003e\u003cb\u003ehallway\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cspan\u003e \u003c\/span\u003eor\u003cspan\u003e \u003c\/span\u003e\u003cb\u003eentryway\u003c\/b\u003e, keeping the message safe and sound.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eProduct Specs:\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eOverall Size:\u003cspan\u003e \u003c\/span\u003e\u003cspan class=\"math-inline\" data-math=\"60 \\times 40 \\ \\text{cm}\"\u003e\u003cspan class=\"katex\"\u003e\u003cspan class=\"katex-html\" aria-hidden=\"true\"\u003e\u003cspan class=\"base\"\u003e\u003cspan class=\"strut\"\u003e\u003c\/span\u003e\u003cspan class=\"mord\"\u003e60\u003c\/span\u003e\u003cspan class=\"mspace\"\u003e\u003c\/span\u003e\u003cspan class=\"mbin\"\u003e×\u003c\/span\u003e\u003cspan class=\"mspace\"\u003e\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/span\u003e\u003cspan class=\"base\"\u003e\u003cspan class=\"strut\"\u003e\u003c\/span\u003e\u003cspan class=\"mord\"\u003e40\u003c\/span\u003e\u003cspan class=\"mspace\"\u003e \u003c\/span\u003e\u003cspan class=\"mord text\"\u003e\u003cspan class=\"mord\"\u003ecm\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eMaterial: Durable mat with a\u003cspan\u003e \u003c\/span\u003e\u003cb\u003enon-slip rubber base\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eUse:\u003cspan\u003e \u003c\/span\u003e\u003cb\u003eIndoor Only\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cspan\u003e \u003c\/span\u003e(please keep it away from actual rain and mud)\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e","brand":"CUCUMBER DOG","offers":[{"title":"White","offer_id":51782182601046,"sku":"DOOR-MAT","price":28.99,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0955\/7793\/2118\/files\/mockup-1af2dd9d99b106e82b017f71a599c218-_1.png?v=1762769370"},{"product_id":"cheeky-bath-mat-i-can-see-your-bits","title":"Rude Bath Mat: \"I CAN SEE YOUR BITS.\" Funny Staring Eyes Mat | Privacy Humour Gift","description":"\u003cp\u003eLet’s face it, the \u003cb\u003ebathroom\u003c\/b\u003e is where the magic (and the mess) happens. This isn't just a \u003cb\u003ebath mat\u003c\/b\u003e; it's a silent judge waiting for you to step out of the shower. Featuring bold, cartoonishly staring eyes and the simple, slightly invasive message: \u003cb\u003e\"I CAN SEE YOUR BITS.\"\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003ePerfect for bringing a bit of hilarious, \u003cb\u003erude energy\u003c\/b\u003e to your ensuite or main \u003cb\u003ebathroom\u003c\/b\u003e. It’s the ultimate way to put guests on edge and remind everyone that privacy is overrated. If you love a bit of \u003cb\u003edark humour\u003c\/b\u003e and \u003cb\u003esuggestive text\u003c\/b\u003e, this is the essential \u003cb\u003enovelty bathroom accessory\u003c\/b\u003e for you. It makes a brilliant \u003cb\u003egag gift\u003c\/b\u003e or \u003cb\u003efunny housewarming gift\u003c\/b\u003e for anyone who appreciates the uncomfortable truth.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003e✨ The Cushioned, Creepy Details\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eDespite its unsettling message, this \u003cb\u003ememory foam bath mat\u003c\/b\u003e is designed for maximum comfort and safety right where you need it most. It's soft, absorbent, and genuinely lovely to stand on.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eSoft Microfibre Top:\u003c\/b\u003e Highly absorbent and velvety-soft microfibre that feels \u003cb\u003eluxurious\u003c\/b\u003e under wet feet.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eCushioned Memory Foam Inner:\u003c\/b\u003e A proper \u003cb\u003eplush interior\u003c\/b\u003e that provides amazing comfort and bounce. It’s the softest spot in the room, watching you.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eNon-Slip Base:\u003c\/b\u003e \u003cb\u003eCrucial for the bathroom\u003c\/b\u003e! This base ensures the mat stays firmly in place, even on slippery tiles.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eApprox. Size:\u003c\/b\u003e A generous \u003cspan class=\"math-inline\" data-math=\"40 \\times 60 \\ \\text{cm}\"\u003e$40 \\times 60 \\ \\text{cm}$\u003c\/span\u003e to cover a good portion of \u003cb\u003ebathroom floor\u003c\/b\u003e space.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003e🎨 Decoration and Care Instructions\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eVibrant Edge-to-Edge Print:\u003c\/b\u003e The powerful black background and crisp white text are printed edge-to-edge, guaranteeing sharp detail and vivid contrast that won't fade.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eKeeping It Clean:\u003c\/b\u003e To maintain maximum creepiness (and cleanliness), wash at 30 degrees. Please avoid tumble drying—just let it air dry so it can get back to its surveillance duties.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e","brand":"CUCUMBER DOG","offers":[{"title":"40 x 60cm","offer_id":51782806896982,"sku":"BATH-MAT-40-60","price":25.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0955\/7793\/2118\/files\/mockup-38dc62c93ce402e785a1eef76d8b748b-_1.png?v=1762769366"},{"product_id":"the-bossy-bath-mat-do-not-leave-me-on-the-floor-bitch","title":"The Bossy Bath Mat: DO NOT LEAVE ME ON THE FLOOR BITCH!","description":"\u003cp\u003eDespite its intense vocabulary, this \u003cb\u003e\"DO NOT LEAVE ME ON THE FLOOR BITCH!\" bath mat\u003c\/b\u003e is actually incredibly soft and safe. It provides excellent comfort underfoot while delivering a scathing rebuke right in your \u003cb\u003ebathroom\u003c\/b\u003e.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt's the ultimate piece of \u003cb\u003erude home décor\u003c\/b\u003e for anyone who appreciates a \u003cb\u003eslogan gift\u003c\/b\u003e with some attitude. This \u003cb\u003efunny bathroom mat\u003c\/b\u003e is a perfect \u003cb\u003eadult novelty gift\u003c\/b\u003e and certainly lets your guests know who is boss!\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003e✨ Product Comfort \u0026amp; Slogan Power\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eWhile the message is demanding, the mat itself is purely luxurious and functional.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eSoft Microfibre Top:\u003c\/b\u003e Highly absorbent and wonderfully soft, offering a comfy place to step after a shower.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eCushioned Memory Foam Inner:\u003c\/b\u003e A proper plush interior that cushions your feet—it's soft enough to forgive the \u003cb\u003erudeness\u003c\/b\u003e.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eNon-Slip Base:\u003c\/b\u003e Essential for \u003cb\u003ebathroom safety\u003c\/b\u003e! This base ensures the \u003cb\u003eslogan mat\u003c\/b\u003e stays firmly planted on slippery tiles, so you don't slip up while being told off.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eApprox. Size:\u003c\/b\u003e A good, noticeable size for your \u003cb\u003etoilet mat\u003c\/b\u003e area at 60 x 40 cm\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003e🎨 Decoration and Care Instructions\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eVibrant Edge-to-Edge Print:\u003c\/b\u003e The artwork is printed across the entire mat, ensuring the \u003cb\u003ebold, crisp text\u003c\/b\u003e stands out brilliantly against the deep black background.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eKeeping It Clean:\u003c\/b\u003e When it inevitably gets dirty, simply wash at 30 degrees. Air drying is always best for a demanding diva like this!\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e","brand":"CUCUMBER DOG","offers":[{"title":"40 x 60cm","offer_id":51784228929878,"sku":"BATH-MAT-40-60","price":25.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0955\/7793\/2118\/files\/mockup-7415a76f02408226fc71709b888a9c95-_1.png?v=1762769361"},{"product_id":"the-suggestive-bath-mat-youre-making-me-moist","title":"The Suggestive Bath Mat: YOU'RE MAKING ME MOIST!","description":"\u003cp\u003eFinally, a \u003cb\u003ebath mat\u003c\/b\u003e that truly understands the atmosphere of the \u003cb\u003ebathroom\u003c\/b\u003e. This hilariously \u003cb\u003esuggestive mat\u003c\/b\u003e is here to deliver a cheeky compliment (or maybe just state a fact about itself) to anyone stepping out of the shower.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eFeaturing bold white text and a knowing, winking face, this \u003cb\u003erude novelty mat\u003c\/b\u003e proclaims: \u003cb\u003e\"YOU'RE MAKING ME MOIST!\"\u003c\/b\u003e It’s the ultimate piece of \u003cb\u003efunny\u003c\/b\u003e and slightly \u003cb\u003erude home décor\u003c\/b\u003e that your customers expect. It’s perfect for adding a bit of \u003cb\u003esaucy banter\u003c\/b\u003e to the smallest room in the house. This makes an excellent \u003cb\u003eadult humour gift\u003c\/b\u003e or a \u003cb\u003efunny housewarming gift\u003c\/b\u003e.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003e✨ Product Comfort \u0026amp; Cheekiness\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eWhile the message is suggestive, the \u003cb\u003ememory foam mat\u003c\/b\u003e itself is purely luxurious and functional. It's designed to be absorbent and comfortable, living up to its name in the most practical sense.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eSoft Microfibre Top:\u003c\/b\u003e Highly absorbent and wonderfully soft to the touch—perfect for drying off your feet.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eCushioned Memory Foam Inner:\u003c\/b\u003e A proper \u003cb\u003eplush interior\u003c\/b\u003e that provides superb cushioning underfoot.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eNon-Slip Base:\u003c\/b\u003e A crucial feature in a \u003cb\u003ewet environment\u003c\/b\u003e! The base ensures the mat stays firmly in place, even when things get... moist.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eApprox. Size:\u003c\/b\u003e A convenient size for any \u003cb\u003ebathroom floor\u003c\/b\u003e at 60 x 40 cm.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003e🎨 Decoration and Care Instructions\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eVibrant Edge-to-Edge Print:\u003c\/b\u003e The cheeky artwork is printed right to the edge, ensuring the crisp, bold text and wink stand out perfectly against the deep black background.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eKeeping It Clean:\u003c\/b\u003e When it needs freshening up, simply toss it in the wash at 30 degrees. Please avoid the tumble dryer and let it air dry naturally to preserve its shape and cheekiness.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e","brand":"CUCUMBER DOG","offers":[{"title":"40 x 60cm","offer_id":51790626390358,"sku":"BATH-MAT-40-60","price":25.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0955\/7793\/2118\/files\/mockup-bde53f489dea3fc3a9329842bea9ebed-_1.png?v=1762769356"},{"product_id":"asylum-entry-mat-welcome-to-the-lunatics-asylum","title":"Asylum Entry Mat: Welcome to \"The Lunatics' Asylum\"","description":"\u003cp\u003eTired of trying to explain your family to your guests? Don't bother. Just let this \u003cb\u003efunny doormat\u003c\/b\u003e do the talking!\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThis \u003cb\u003ehilariously honest indoor mat\u003c\/b\u003e is the perfect, \u003cb\u003echeeky way\u003c\/b\u003e to greet visitors and set expectations before they step over the threshold. Whether you have chaotic kids, a perpetually confused spouse, or you're just a little bit mad yourself, this \u003cb\u003enovelty welcome mat\u003c\/b\u003e celebrates the \u003cb\u003ehappy chaos\u003c\/b\u003e of your home. It's \u003cb\u003erude, it's funny,\u003c\/b\u003e and it tells the truth. It makes an ideal \u003cb\u003ehousewarming gift\u003c\/b\u003e for families who don't take themselves too seriously.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eFeatures of The Lunatics' Asylum Mat:\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eHonest Greeting:\u003c\/b\u003e Boldly announces \u003cb\u003e\"The Lunatics' Asylum\"\u003c\/b\u003e to all who dare enter your \u003cb\u003eentryway\u003c\/b\u003e.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eStays Put:\u003c\/b\u003e Designed with a robust \u003cb\u003enon-slip rubber base\u003c\/b\u003e to ensure safety and stability, even when the lunatics are running rampant.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eCrisp Print:\u003c\/b\u003e The large printable area ensures the text is clear and unmissable, delivering your \u003cb\u003efunny family warning\u003c\/b\u003e clearly.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eIdeal for the Indoors:\u003c\/b\u003e Perfect for use in the \u003cb\u003ehallway\u003c\/b\u003e, \u003cb\u003eentryway\u003c\/b\u003e, or \u003cb\u003emudroom\u003c\/b\u003e.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e","brand":"CUCUMBER DOG","offers":[{"title":"White","offer_id":51803756724566,"sku":"DOOR-MAT","price":28.99,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0955\/7793\/2118\/files\/mockup-6acb3b39779ca7c22eab51ef3ea4c889-_1.png?v=1764005264"},{"product_id":"warning-the-dog-lick-mat-indoor-entrance-mat","title":"WARNING: The Dog Lick Mat (Indoor Entrance Mat)","description":"\u003cp\u003eFinally, an honest greeting mat for the \u003cb\u003edog owner\u003c\/b\u003e who keeps it real!\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThis \u003cb\u003efunny indoor mat\u003c\/b\u003e is the perfect way to greet guests and deliver a hilarious, cringe-worthy warning about the true nature of your beloved, yet slightly gross, companion. It's the ideal \u003cb\u003egag gift for dog lovers\u003c\/b\u003e with a wicked sense of humour who doesn't mind a little bit of dog-spit (and whatever else came before it!). It perfectly complements the rest of your \u003cb\u003erude and funny home accessories\u003c\/b\u003e.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eKey Features of this Gross-Out Mat:\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eHilarious Warning:\u003c\/b\u003e Features the bold text, \u003cb\u003e\"WARNING: DOG WILL LICK YOU. (AFTER IT'S LICKED ITS BITS.)\"\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eSets Expectations:\u003c\/b\u003e Ensures your guests know the quality and flavour of the welcome they're about to receive right in the \u003cb\u003eentryway\u003c\/b\u003e.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eNon-Slip Security:\u003c\/b\u003e Comes with a reliable \u003cb\u003enon-slip rubber backing\u003c\/b\u003e to keep the mat firmly in place, even when the dog is rushing to deliver its slobbery, questionable greeting.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eGreat Print Quality:\u003c\/b\u003e Designed for a large, vivid print that ensures this crucial \u003cb\u003edog licking warning\u003c\/b\u003e is the first thing every visitor sees.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e","brand":"CUCUMBER DOG","offers":[{"title":"White","offer_id":51803857224022,"sku":"DOOR-MAT","price":28.99,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0955\/7793\/2118\/files\/mockup-2844346c8441e6b41cef9274505e7a85-_1.png?v=1764005260"},{"product_id":"rub-your-shoes-on-me-flirty-indoor-door-mat","title":"\"Rub Your Shoes On Me!\" Flirty Indoor Door Mat","description":"\u003cp\u003eThis hilarious and \u003cb\u003emildly naughty \"Rub Your Shoes On Me! You Know You Want To!\" indoor mat\u003c\/b\u003e turns the simple act of cleaning your shoes into a \u003cb\u003echeeky invitation\u003c\/b\u003e!\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt's the ultimate piece of \u003cb\u003efun decor\u003c\/b\u003e for those who love \u003cb\u003eadult humour\u003c\/b\u003e and don't mind a \u003cb\u003esuggestive double entendre\u003c\/b\u003e right on their doorstep. Featuring bold text and a cheeky cartoon face, this \u003cb\u003enovelty mat\u003c\/b\u003e perfectly captures the \u003cb\u003erude and playful spirit\u003c\/b\u003e of your brand. It makes a brilliant \u003cb\u003egag gift\u003c\/b\u003e or a \u003cb\u003efunny housewarming gift\u003c\/b\u003e for anyone with a dark sense of humour.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eKey Features of this Suggestive Mat:\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eRude \u0026amp; Cheeky Greeting:\u003c\/b\u003e The perfect way to make guests snicker and maybe blush a little bit right in your \u003cb\u003eentryway\u003c\/b\u003e.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eHighly Absorbent:\u003c\/b\u003e Yes, this mat is asking for it! It's great for wiping dust and debris off shoes—a functional piece of \u003cb\u003ecomedy home decor\u003c\/b\u003e.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eStays Put:\u003c\/b\u003e Designed with a durable, \u003cb\u003enon-slip rubber base\u003c\/b\u003e to hold its position firmly, no matter how much rubbing is going on.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eVibrant Colour:\u003c\/b\u003e The bright background colour ensures this mat grabs attention and delivers its \u003cb\u003esuggestive message\u003c\/b\u003e loud and clear.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e","brand":"CUCUMBER DOG","offers":[{"title":"White","offer_id":51804852257110,"sku":"DOOR-MAT","price":28.99,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0955\/7793\/2118\/files\/mockup-6f77a3d95ef3ad84d2453d72e67438a6-_1.png?v=1764005256"},{"product_id":"welcome-if-you-have-beer-indoor-door-mat","title":"\"WELCOME. (IF YOU HAVE BEER.)\" Indoor Door Mat","description":"\u003cp\u003eTired of guests arriving empty-handed? Lay down the law right at the entrance!\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThis \u003cb\u003efunny indoor mat\u003c\/b\u003e is the ultimate honest welcome for anyone whose social standards are measured in pints. It's direct, it's cheeky, and it lets everyone know that while your door is open, your bar is not always complimentary.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003ePerfect for \u003cb\u003eman caves\u003c\/b\u003e, student digs, or any home where the host appreciates a hoppy contribution. It makes a great \u003cb\u003ebar humour gift\u003c\/b\u003e for \u003cb\u003epub landlords\u003c\/b\u003e, \u003cb\u003ebeer enthusiasts\u003c\/b\u003e, or anyone who loves a drink-related double standard. This \u003cb\u003erude welcome mat\u003c\/b\u003e is an ideal \u003cb\u003ehousewarming gift for beer lovers\u003c\/b\u003e.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eKey Features:\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eClear House Rules:\u003c\/b\u003e Boldly states \u003cb\u003e\"WELCOME. (IF YOU HAVE BEER.)\"\u003c\/b\u003e so there are no misunderstandings right in the \u003cb\u003eentryway\u003c\/b\u003e.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eCheers-Worthy Design:\u003c\/b\u003e Features a great graphic of two \u003cb\u003eclinking beer mugs\u003c\/b\u003e, instantly setting a festive, thirsty tone.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eSturdy and Safe:\u003c\/b\u003e Built with a durable, \u003cb\u003enon-slip rubber base\u003c\/b\u003e to prevent any beer-spillage accidents when guests rush in.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eFor Indoors Only:\u003c\/b\u003e Best kept in the \u003cb\u003ehallway\u003c\/b\u003e or near the fridge, safe from the elements.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e","brand":"CUCUMBER DOG","offers":[{"title":"White","offer_id":51806396154198,"sku":"DOOR-MAT","price":28.99,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0955\/7793\/2118\/files\/mockup-9f49077d73f7c834e2b7b8f4ef248328-_1.png?v=1764005251"},{"product_id":"beware-of-the-dog-the-twat-dog-indoor-mat","title":"BEWARE OF THE DOG: The 'Twat Dog' Indoor Mat","description":"\u003cp\u003eForget your standard \"Beware of the Dog\" sign. This \u003cb\u003edog welcome mat\u003c\/b\u003e tells the unvarnished, brutally honest truth about your beloved yet infuriating companion!\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThis \u003cb\u003efunny doormat\u003c\/b\u003e is the ultimate expression of the \u003cb\u003edog-owner's experience\u003c\/b\u003e: they're annoying, they're dramatic, and yes, sometimes they're a right twat—but we wouldn't trade them for the world. If you love your dog but aren't afraid to call them out for their behaviour, this is the perfect, \u003cb\u003ehilariously rude welcome\u003c\/b\u003e for your front door. It’s an ideal \u003cb\u003egag gift for dog lovers\u003c\/b\u003e who appreciate \u003cb\u003eadult humour\u003c\/b\u003e.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eKey Features of this Honest Pet Mat:\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eHonest Warning:\u003c\/b\u003e The text, \u003cb\u003e\"BEWARE OF THE DOG. THE DOG IS A TWAT. IT IS ANNOYING. BUT WE LOVE IT!\"\u003c\/b\u003e sets realistic expectations for visitors.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003ePet-Owner Humour:\u003c\/b\u003e Perfect for anyone who appreciates the funny, \u003cb\u003erude reality\u003c\/b\u003e of sharing a home with a four-legged menace.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eStay-Put Design:\u003c\/b\u003e Equipped with a \u003cb\u003enon-slip rubber base\u003c\/b\u003e to ensure the mat stays exactly where it belongs, even when the twat dog decides to do a mad dash past it.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eIndoor Use Only:\u003c\/b\u003e Keep this masterpiece of \u003cb\u003ecomedy home decor\u003c\/b\u003e safe and sound inside your \u003cb\u003eentryway\u003c\/b\u003e.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"CUCUMBER DOG","offers":[{"title":"White","offer_id":51806466572630,"sku":"DOOR-MAT","price":28.99,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0955\/7793\/2118\/files\/mockup-3a6fd660faa9a053854ddb422421509d-_1.png?v=1764005247"},{"product_id":"welcome-if-you-have-wine-indoor-door-mat","title":"WELCOME. (IF YOU HAVE WINE.)\" Indoor Door Mat","description":"\u003cp\u003eLay out the house rules immediately!\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThis \u003cb\u003ehilarious and honest indoor mat\u003c\/b\u003e is the perfect way to greet friends and set a clear prerequisite for entry: don't show up empty-handed! It’s the ideal piece of \u003cb\u003efunny home decor\u003c\/b\u003e for anyone who appreciates a \u003cb\u003echeeky joke\u003c\/b\u003e and is a fan of a decent glass of \u003cb\u003evino\u003c\/b\u003e.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThis \u003cb\u003erude welcome mat\u003c\/b\u003e works perfectly in the \u003cb\u003ehallway\u003c\/b\u003e, \u003cb\u003ekitchen entrance\u003c\/b\u003e, or anywhere you need a reminder to \u003cb\u003eBYOW\u003c\/b\u003e (\u003cb\u003eBring Your Own Wine\u003c\/b\u003e!). It makes a brilliant \u003cb\u003ehousewarming gift\u003c\/b\u003e or a \u003cb\u003efunny gift for wine lovers\u003c\/b\u003e.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eKey Features:\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eHonest Policy:\u003c\/b\u003e Boldly states \"\u003cb\u003eWELCOME. (IF YOU HAVE WINE.)\u003c\/b\u003e\" – ensuring all social calls are mutually beneficial.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eWine Lover's Humour:\u003c\/b\u003e The perfect, \u003cb\u003eslightly rude gift\u003c\/b\u003e for any dedicated \u003cb\u003ewine drinker\u003c\/b\u003e, especially those hosting \u003cb\u003edinner parties\u003c\/b\u003e.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eNon-Slip Design:\u003c\/b\u003e Features a \u003cb\u003edurable, non-slip\u003c\/b\u003e rubber base to prevent any unwelcome slips or tumbles (especially after a glass or two).\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eUse:\u003c\/b\u003e \u003cb\u003eIndoor Mat Only\u003c\/b\u003e – Best kept where the wine is stored!\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e","brand":"CUCUMBER DOG","offers":[{"title":"White","offer_id":51806774264150,"sku":"DOOR-MAT","price":28.99,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0955\/7793\/2118\/files\/mockup-e7bbd22a5d17f135ddf39d20decad739-_1.png?v=1764005243"},{"product_id":"the-dj-set-mat-vintage-welcome-indoor-door-mat","title":"The DJ Set Mat: Vintage Welcome Indoor Door Mat","description":"\u003cp\u003eTurn up the volume on your entryway decor!\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThis unique \u003cb\u003eindoor mat\u003c\/b\u003e is perfect for \u003cb\u003emusic producers, DJs, vinyl collectors,\u003c\/b\u003e or anyone who truly lives for the beat. Featuring a bold, \u003cb\u003eretro-style graphic\u003c\/b\u003e of a DJ spinning records beneath a dramatic, striped backdrop, this \u003cb\u003emusic welcome mat\u003c\/b\u003e doesn't just welcome guests—it sets the mood. With the word \"WELCOME!\" printed right on the DJ's shirt, you're announcing that your home is where the music and the party are at.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThis \u003cb\u003estatement doormat\u003c\/b\u003e is the ideal piece of \u003cb\u003emusic room decor\u003c\/b\u003e or a unique \u003cb\u003ehousewarming gift\u003c\/b\u003e for the audiophile in your life.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eKey Features (Why This Mat is the Perfect Beat):\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eStriking Retro Design:\u003c\/b\u003e A bold, \u003cb\u003evintage-style graphic\u003c\/b\u003e featuring a \u003cb\u003eDJ on the decks\u003c\/b\u003e, perfect for \u003cb\u003emusic lovers\u003c\/b\u003e and \u003cb\u003eretro enthusiasts\u003c\/b\u003e.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eUnique Welcome:\u003c\/b\u003e Move beyond plain text and greet your visitors with a dramatic, \u003cb\u003estatement piece\u003c\/b\u003e that reflects your passion for \u003cb\u003evinyl records\u003c\/b\u003e and the music scene.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eDurable \u0026amp; Safe:\u003c\/b\u003e Built with a strong \u003cb\u003enon-slip rubber base\u003c\/b\u003e to ensure it stays firmly in place, even when the beat drops.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003ePerfect for Indoors:\u003c\/b\u003e Ideal for the \u003cb\u003ehallway\u003c\/b\u003e, \u003cb\u003ehome studio entrance\u003c\/b\u003e, or \u003cb\u003emusic room\u003c\/b\u003e where the party starts.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e","brand":"CUCUMBER DOG","offers":[{"title":"White","offer_id":51816192115030,"sku":"DOOR-MAT","price":28.99,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0955\/7793\/2118\/files\/mockup-c7ba139ffb1d67fbfd18f097063fd1e9-_1.png?v=1764005238"},{"product_id":"the-male-dreamer-bath-mat","title":"The Male Dreamer Bath Mat","description":"\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eWarning:\u003c\/b\u003e Requires a good sense of humour (and a bit of ego).\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThis \u003cb\u003erude bath mat\u003c\/b\u003e isn't just about drying your feet; it's about setting a very specific expectation. We call it \u003cb\u003e'The Male Dreamer Mat'\u003c\/b\u003e because, well, it's designed to make one particular part of the male anatomy feel perfectly... centred.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eFeaturing two footprints and one perfectly placed small white circle, the \u003cb\u003esuggestive joke\u003c\/b\u003e is clear: this is where a man’s piece goes. It’s the ultimate \u003cb\u003egag gift for him\u003c\/b\u003e, brilliant for a partner, best mate, or anyone who appreciates a good bit of \u003cb\u003elowbrow British banter\u003c\/b\u003e in the \u003cb\u003ebathroom\u003c\/b\u003e. Stop giving boring gifts and choose a \u003cb\u003efunny novelty mat\u003c\/b\u003e they'll actually use!\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003e✨ Product Details: High-Quality Humour\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eDon't let the \u003cb\u003echeeky design\u003c\/b\u003e fool you—this is a high-quality, comfortable, and safe \u003cb\u003enovelty toilet mat\u003c\/b\u003e.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eSoft Microfibre Top:\u003c\/b\u003e Highly absorbent microfibre material feels soft and \u003cb\u003eluxurious\u003c\/b\u003e under your feet (and any other bits).\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eCushioned Memory Foam Inner:\u003c\/b\u003e Experience \u003cb\u003eplush comfort\u003c\/b\u003e every time you step out of the shower. This \u003cb\u003ememory foam bath mat\u003c\/b\u003e is built to last.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eNon-Slip Base:\u003c\/b\u003e Crucial for \u003cb\u003ebathroom safety\u003c\/b\u003e, the base ensures this mat stays put, even on slick tiles.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eApprox. Size:\u003c\/b\u003e A good size for standing on at \u003cb\u003e\u003cspan class=\"math-inline\" data-math=\"40 \\times 60 \\ \\text{cm}\"\u003e$40 \\times 60 \\ \\text{cm}$\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003e🎨 Decoration and Care Instructions\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eVibrant Edge-to-Edge Print:\u003c\/b\u003e The stark white footprints and the crucial joke circle are printed clearly and crisply using high-quality dye-sublimation on the deep black base.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eKeeping It Clean:\u003c\/b\u003e To keep this piece of \u003cb\u003ecomedy decor\u003c\/b\u003e clean, simply wash at 30 degrees. Please avoid tumble drying to maintain the mat's shape and its funny focus.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e","brand":"CUCUMBER DOG","offers":[{"title":"40 x 60cm","offer_id":51816522547542,"sku":"BATH-MAT-40-60","price":25.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0955\/7793\/2118\/files\/mockup-d895d4bbc5a8d805055deb42d1254600-_1.png?v=1764005233"},{"product_id":"the-old-mans-sack-bath-mat","title":"The 'Old Man's Sack' Bath Mat","description":"\u003cp\u003eTired of \u003cb\u003eboring bathroom décor\u003c\/b\u003e? Spice up your ablutions and add a touch of genuine vulgarity with this \u003cb\u003ehilariously inappropriate bath mat\u003c\/b\u003e! Featuring our subtly suggestive two-feet and two-egg design, this \u003cb\u003enovelty bath mat\u003c\/b\u003e looks exactly like an old man's sagging nuts, and we think that's bloody brilliant. It’s the perfect, \u003cb\u003erude adult humour gift\u003c\/b\u003e for someone who loves truly cheeky home accessories.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eKey Features (Why You Need This Inappropriate Bath Mat):\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eSize:\u003c\/b\u003e Approx. \u003cb\u003e40 x 60 cm\u003c\/b\u003e—the perfect spot for your \u003cb\u003etoilet mat\u003c\/b\u003e area or outside the shower. Stand and ponder the meaning of life, or just dry your feet in style.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eSupreme Comfort:\u003c\/b\u003e This is a \u003cb\u003eluxury memory foam bath mat\u003c\/b\u003e! Made with a soft microfibre top and a cushioned memory foam inner. It’s so plush and comfortable, you’ll forget what \u003cb\u003evulgar design\u003c\/b\u003e you’re standing on... almost.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eStay Put Safety:\u003c\/b\u003e Features a \u003cb\u003enon-slip base\u003c\/b\u003e for extra safety, preventing slips and slides. Nobody needs to slip on a sack!\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eVibrant \u0026amp; Bold Artwork:\u003c\/b\u003e Your chosen rude artwork is printed edge-to-edge using high-quality dye-sublimation on an antique white base. This process guarantees vibrant colours and sharp detail that Sir Cucumber Dog himself would approve of.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003e🧼 Care Instructions:\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eKeep your nuts looking fresh and clean:\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eWash at 30 degrees.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAvoid tumble drying (don't shrink the rudeness!).\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eSir Cucumber Dog Says:\u003c\/b\u003e \"One must appreciate the elegance of a full and generous sag. Use this \u003cb\u003erude bathroom mat\u003c\/b\u003e to bring a touch of class-A vulgarity to your \u003cb\u003ewet room\u003c\/b\u003e, you delightful rotter!\"\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"CUCUMBER DOG","offers":[{"title":"40 x 60cm","offer_id":51822809743702,"sku":"BATH-MAT-40-60","price":25.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0955\/7793\/2118\/files\/mockup-e90e152b6b6ea296a1160dd557b24f66-_1.png?v=1764005134"},{"product_id":"the-good-vibes-only-smiley-face-indoor-door-mat","title":"The Good Vibes Only... Smiley Face Indoor Door Mat","description":"\u003cp\u003eBrighten up your entrance with an iconic dose of cheer, with just a hint of mischief!\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThis classic smiley face door mat brings an instant boost of positive energy to any home, while the abstract background adds a touch of cool, understated edge. It's perfect for anyone who loves retro aesthetics, rave culture, or simply wants to project a \"good vibes\" atmosphere... even if there is none!. It's a statement piece that's both welcoming and wonderfully ironic, making it a brilliant addition to your unique home decor collection.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eIconic Design:\u003c\/b\u003e Features the universally recognized bright yellow smiley face, bringing a classic, cheerful vibe.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eModern Twist:\u003c\/b\u003e The abstract black and white background adds a contemporary, artistic edge to the retro symbol.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eWelcoming \u0026amp; Playful:\u003c\/b\u003e A great way to set a lighthearted, fun tone for your home, even if your humour is a little darker!\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eStays in Place:\u003c\/b\u003e Equipped with a durable, \u003cb\u003enon-slip rubber base\u003c\/b\u003e to keep it firmly planted, no matter how many happy feet (or angry feet!) cross it.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eIndoor Use Only:\u003c\/b\u003e Ideal for adding a pop of personality to your hallway, living room entrance, or home office.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eProduct Specifications:\u003c\/b\u003e Overall Size: 60 x 40 cm Printable Area: 57 x 37 cm Base: Non-slip rubber Use: Indoor Only\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e","brand":"CUCUMBER DOG","offers":[{"title":"White","offer_id":51823062450518,"sku":"DOOR-MAT","price":28.99,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0955\/7793\/2118\/files\/mockup-63ede12f66e2e1219789d969057ae4eb-_1.png?v=1764005128"},{"product_id":"the-my-name-is-mat-funny-welcome-door-mat","title":"The \"My Name Is Mat.\" Funny Welcome Door Mat","description":"\u003cp\u003eGive your guests an immediate, \u003cb\u003edeadpan welcome\u003c\/b\u003e with this hilarious, self-aware door mat!\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eTired of complicated greetings? This mat introduces itself with pure, brilliant simplicity: \u003cb\u003e\"MY NAME IS MAT.\"\u003c\/b\u003e Flanked by cool lightning bolt graphics for added personality, this mat is an ideal \u003cb\u003efunny housewarming gift\u003c\/b\u003e and a fantastic piece of \u003cb\u003esilly home decor\u003c\/b\u003e.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eThis \u003cb\u003ehumorous indoor mat\u003c\/b\u003e makes a great statement piece for your entryway. It’s perfect for anyone who appreciates a simple, \u003cb\u003eliteral joke\u003c\/b\u003e and a bit of playful sarcasm. It's durable and suitable for \u003cb\u003eindoor use only\u003c\/b\u003e.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eProduct Specifications:\u003c\/b\u003e\nOverall Size: 60 x 40 cm\nPrintable Area: 57 x 37 cm\nBase: Non-slip rubber\nUse: Indoor Only\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"CUCUMBER DOG","offers":[{"title":"White","offer_id":51836810264918,"sku":"DOOR-MAT","price":28.99,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0955\/7793\/2118\/files\/mockup-ed06a48ee795fabc175d9dbffe29921e-_1.png?v=1764005124"},{"product_id":"i-did-debbie-in-dallas-rude-adult-humour-door-mat","title":"\"I DID DEBBIE IN DALLAS!\" Rude Adult Humour Door Mat","description":"\u003cp\u003eThis mat is pure, unadulterated classic \u003cb\u003erude adult humour\u003c\/b\u003e!\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eAn iconic, slightly \u003cb\u003eoffensive joke\u003c\/b\u003e that immediately signals your home is a place for laughs and maybe a little controversy. This \u003cb\u003enaughty welcome mat\u003c\/b\u003e is a brilliant statement piece for anyone who appreciates cult movie references and isn't afraid to shock their friends. It's the ultimate \u003cb\u003erude gift\u003c\/b\u003e for film fans and friends with a wicked sense of humour. This mat is durable and suitable for \u003cb\u003eindoor use only\u003c\/b\u003e.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eProduct Specifications:\u003c\/b\u003e\nOverall Size: 60 x 40 cm\nPrintable Area: 57 x 37 cm\nBase: Non-slip rubber\nUse: Indoor Only\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"CUCUMBER DOG","offers":[{"title":"White","offer_id":51836988784982,"sku":"DOOR-MAT","price":28.99,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0955\/7793\/2118\/files\/mockup-35a04aad96b087aea56026507fd87bc1-_1.png?v=1764005120"},{"product_id":"im-smashing-it-at-not-being-an-adult-indoor-door-mat","title":"\"I'M SMASHING IT AT NOT BEING AN ADULT.\" Indoor Door Mat","description":"\u003cp\u003eGive your guests an honest (and slightly pathetic) update on your life status!\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eThis \u003cb\u003efunny anti-adulting door mat\u003c\/b\u003e is the perfect \u003cb\u003esarcastic welcome\u003c\/b\u003e for anyone who struggles with basic life responsibilities. Featuring the brilliant, bold statement \u003cb\u003e\"I'M SMASHING IT AT NOT BEING AN ADULT.\"\u003c\/b\u003e alongside a cheeky smiley and a stick-figure drawing, it's the ideal piece of \u003cb\u003ehumorous home decor\u003c\/b\u003e for anyone thriving at avoidance. It makes a brilliant, \u003cb\u003erude gift\u003c\/b\u003e for students, young professionals, or anyone who just hasn't quite got the hang of it yet. This mat is durable and suitable for \u003cb\u003eindoor use only\u003c\/b\u003e.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eProduct Specifications:\u003c\/b\u003e\nOverall Size: 60 x 40 cm\nPrintable Area: 57 x 37 cm\nBase: Non-slip rubber\nUse: Indoor Only\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"CUCUMBER DOG","offers":[{"title":"White","offer_id":51842455896406,"sku":"DOOR-MAT","price":28.99,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0955\/7793\/2118\/files\/mockup-9a4ed9cc991bb9ba45f9bdc9fa3777e6-_1.png?v=1764005048"},{"product_id":"welcome-to-the-nut-house-funny-family-door-mat","title":"WELCOME TO THE NUT HOUSE! Funny Family Door Mat","description":"\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"4\"\u003eTired of pretending your home life is perfectly serene? Announce the joyful chaos with this hilarious \u003cb\u003e\"Nut House\" door mat\u003c\/b\u003e!\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"5\"\u003eThis \u003cb\u003efunny family welcome mat\u003c\/b\u003e is the perfect way to set honest expectations for your guests (and yourselves!). It's an ideal piece of \u003cb\u003ehumorous home decor\u003c\/b\u003e for families with mad kids, chaotic pets, or just people who are a little bit mad. This mat makes a brilliant, \u003cb\u003esilly housewarming gift\u003c\/b\u003e and is a great companion piece to your collection of \u003cb\u003erude home accessories\u003c\/b\u003e. It's durable and suitable for \u003cb\u003eindoor use only\u003c\/b\u003e.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"6\"\u003e\u003cb\u003eProduct Specifications:\u003c\/b\u003e\nOverall Size: 60 x 40 cm\nPrintable Area: 57 x 37 cm\nBase: Non-slip rubber\nUse: Indoor Only\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"CUCUMBER DOG","offers":[{"title":"White","offer_id":51870346084694,"sku":"DOOR-MAT","price":28.99,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0955\/7793\/2118\/files\/mockup-b31238d2bcae522a62d5468b377bb8d7-_1.png?v=1764005044"},{"product_id":"another-day-another-chopping-board","title":"ANOTHER DAY, ANOTHER CHOPPING BOARD!","description":"\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"4\"\u003e\u003cb\u003eTired of the relentless barrage of bland kitchenware?\u003c\/b\u003e We hear you. Introducing the \u003cb\u003e\"CHOP ON ME BABY ONE MORE TIME!\"\u003c\/b\u003e glass chopping board – the only kitchen tool that truly understands your morning dread.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"5\"\u003eFeaturing a striking black background with a distressed, unapologetic white text that reads:\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cblockquote data-path-to-node=\"6\"\u003e\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"6,0\"\u003e\u003cb\u003eANOTHER DAY,\u003c\/b\u003e\n\u003cb\u003eANOTHER RELENTLESS\u003c\/b\u003e\n\u003cb\u003eBARRAGE OF\u003c\/b\u003e\n\u003cb\u003eVIOLENCE. JUST GET\u003c\/b\u003e\n\u003cb\u003eIT OVER WITH!\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\u003c\/blockquote\u003e\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"7\"\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\u003ch3\u003e\u003cb\u003eThe Details (for the Relentlessly Practical):\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/h3\u003e\u003cp\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cul data-path-to-node=\"8\"\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"8,0,0\"\u003e\u003cb\u003eSize:\u003c\/b\u003e Generous \u003cb\u003e39 x 29cm\u003c\/b\u003e surface area – plenty of room for chopping, dicing, or existential crises.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"8,1,0\"\u003e\u003cb\u003eMaterial:\u003c\/b\u003e Tough, hygienic, \u003cb\u003etextured glass\u003c\/b\u003e. Perfect for preparing all your \u003ci\u003evictims\u003c\/i\u003e (we mean vegetables).\u003c\/p\u003e\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"8,2,0\"\u003e\u003cb\u003eProtection:\u003c\/b\u003e Supplied with \u003cb\u003enon-slip rubber feet\u003c\/b\u003e to keep the board firmly in place, even when you're aggressively slicing carrots.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"8,3,0\"\u003e\u003cb\u003eUses:\u003c\/b\u003e Ideal for food prep, or just propping up to remind you that the day requires maximum effort for minimum return.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"8,4,0\"\u003e\u003cb\u003eThe Vibe:\u003c\/b\u003e Rude, funny, and darkly relatable – exactly what your kitchen counter has been missing.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"9\"\u003eStop chopping in silence and make a statement that's as sharp as your best knife. \u003cb\u003eJust get it over with, and add this to your basket!\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n","brand":"CUCUMBER DOG","offers":[{"title":"Textured Glass","offer_id":51872779403606,"sku":"R-CHOPPINGBOARD","price":23.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0955\/7793\/2118\/files\/mockup-1e5e0ec6a96b69d6bf60d5dbdf274eed-_1.png?v=1764005039"},{"product_id":"oi-oi-savaloy-british-greetings-door-mat","title":"\"OI OI SAVALOY!\" British Greetings Door Mat","description":"Estimated time 2-5 days to be shipped.\u003cdiv\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\u003cdiv\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"4\"\u003eDitch the drab \"Welcome\" sign and greet your mates with a classic, high-energy shout!\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"5\"\u003eThis mat captures a moment of pure, unapologetic British enthusiasm. Featuring the bold, brushstroke text \u003cb\u003e\"OI OI SAVALOY!\"\u003c\/b\u003e this is the ideal \u003cb\u003efunny British humour\u003c\/b\u003e mat for anyone who appreciates a bit of banter right on their doorstep. It's a fantastic \u003cb\u003erude welcome mat\u003c\/b\u003e that doubles as a unique piece of \u003cb\u003eUK slang home decor\u003c\/b\u003e. Whether you're hosting a party or just having the family round, this mat sets a brilliantly loud and silly tone. This mat is durable and suitable for \u003cb\u003eindoor use only\u003c\/b\u003e.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"6\"\u003e\u003cb\u003eProduct Specifications:\u003c\/b\u003e\nOverall Size: 60 x 40 cm\nPrintable Area: 57 x 37 cm\nBase: Non-slip rubber\nUse: Indoor Only\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e","brand":"CUCUMBER DOG","offers":[{"title":"White","offer_id":51873461600598,"sku":"DOOR-MAT","price":28.99,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0955\/7793\/2118\/files\/mockup-6353ad049377ccdafef9fb50ccdd8dd5-_1.png?v=1764005035"},{"product_id":"warning-ginger-lives-here-indoor-door-mat","title":"GINGER PERSON LIVES HERE\" Indoor Door Mat","description":"\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"4\"\u003eLay down the facts right at the entrance! This bold, humorous mat makes it crystal clear who calls the shots (and who possibly has the fiery temperament) inside your four walls.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"5\"\u003eForget subtle greetings; this \u003cb\u003efunny ginger door mat\u003c\/b\u003e is a direct and \u003cb\u003eplayful warning\u003c\/b\u003e to all visitors. The vibrant orange background and striking text ensure this mat stands out, immediately setting a fun, assertive tone for your home. It's an excellent conversation starter, allowing the resident redhead to proudly celebrate their striking hair colour and unique personality.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"6\"\u003eIt's the perfect statement piece for any home with a red-headed resident who loves to celebrate their uniqueness and doesn't take themselves too seriously. Looking for the perfect \u003cb\u003eredhead gift\u003c\/b\u003e? This mat is an ideal \u003cb\u003erude housewarming present\u003c\/b\u003e for a friend with a fiery disposition, and it complements any collection of \u003cb\u003ehumorous home decor\u003c\/b\u003e. Plus, with its \u003cb\u003enon-slip rubber base\u003c\/b\u003e, it stays firmly put—unlike the resident ginger when they’ve had enough.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"7\"\u003e\u003cb\u003eProduct Specifications:\u003c\/b\u003e Overall Size: 60 x 40 cm Printable Area: 57 x 37 cm Base: Non-slip rubber Use: Indoor Only\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"CUCUMBER DOG","offers":[{"title":"White","offer_id":51873548894550,"sku":"DOOR-MAT","price":28.99,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0955\/7793\/2118\/files\/GINGER-PERSON-LIVES-HERE-_1.png?v=1764005031"}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0955\/7793\/2118\/collections\/funny-rude-office-desk-drinks-mat.png?v=1780592268","url":"https:\/\/cucumberdog.com\/collections\/fresh-off-the-press.oembed?page=7","provider":"Cucumber Dog | Rude Mugs, Funny Tees \u0026 Elite Disdain","version":"1.0","type":"link"}