{"title":"Totes","description":null,"products":[{"product_id":"precise-guesswork-eco-tote","title":"The Precise Guesswork Association Large Black Eco Tote Bag | Sir Cucumber Dog","description":"\u003ch2 data-path-to-node=\"3\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"3\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eThe Architecture of Unearned Confidence\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"4\"\u003eSir Cucumber Dog has observed a fascinating human phenomenon. It is the remarkable ability to speak with absolute authority on subjects about which one knows absolutely nothing. To celebrate this triumph of unearned confidence, our resident Chairman has authorised the release of the official accessory for professional bluffers, boardroom dodgers, and dedicated fabricators.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"5\"\u003ePresenting The Precise Guesswork Association large black eco tote bag. This substantial, sustainable vessel is designed for those who navigate life's daily challenges by simply making things up and refusing to apologise for it. Overseeing this release in his impeccably tailored green cucumber print suit, yellow bow tie, and signature monocle, Sir Cucumber Dog guarantees this reusable shopping bag will elevate your daily commute.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"6\"\u003eThe front of this premium tote displays the official seal of the association. A bold question mark sits perfectly within our signature Cucumber green circle, underscored by the ultimate corporate manifesto: \"Never Right, Never In Doubt.\" Below it sits the web address, ensuring onlookers know exactly where to acquire their own dose of digital disdain.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"7\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"7\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eSpecifications for the Professional Bluffer\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cul data-path-to-node=\"8\"\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"8,0,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"8,0,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eSuperior Capacity:\u003c\/b\u003e A highly spacious interior designed to carry groceries, laptops, and a complete lack of preparation.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"8,1,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"8,1,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eEco-Friendly Construction:\u003c\/b\u003e Crafted from robust, sustainable organic materials because destroying the planet is a job for the unrefined. This makes for a superb everyday canvas bag.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"8,2,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"8,2,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eDeep Black Canvas:\u003c\/b\u003e The dark fabric provides a sharp, sophisticated contrast to the vibrant Cucumber green and Cucumber cream design, ensuring your apathy is highly visible from a distance.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"8,3,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"8,3,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eReliable Straps:\u003c\/b\u003e Engineered with highly durable handles to withstand the heavy burden of carrying conversations you know absolutely nothing about.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"8,4,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"8,4,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eBespoke Fulfilment:\u003c\/b\u003e Your new eco tote is printed specifically for you the moment you order. This zero waste print on demand model requires a brief 2 to 5 day production window before it is freshly dispatched to your door.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"9\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"9\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eColonial Translation\u003c\/b\u003e For our associates across the pond who are busy bluffing their way through the Queen's English:\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cul data-path-to-node=\"10\"\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"10,0,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"10,0,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eAuthorised:\u003c\/b\u003e Authorized\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"10,1,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"10,1,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eApologise:\u003c\/b\u003e Apologize\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"10,2,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"10,2,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eEco Tote Bag:\u003c\/b\u003e Reusable Grocery Bag or Canvas Tote\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"10,3,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"10,3,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eDispatch:\u003c\/b\u003e Ship out\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"10,4,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"10,4,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eColour:\u003c\/b\u003e Color\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003ca href=\"https:\/\/cucumberdog.com\/products\/precise-guesswork-association-oversized-organic-tee\" target=\"_self\" title=\"Precise guesswork premium t-shirt cucumber dog\"\u003eTake a look at the Precise Guesswork Premium T-shirt\u003c\/a\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Cucumber Dog | Rude Mugs, Funny Tees \u0026 Elite Disdain","offers":[{"title":"Default Title","offer_id":53356144427350,"sku":"9580811_10732","price":31.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0955\/7793\/2118\/files\/large-eco-tote-black-front-69f370ff1360c.jpg?v=1790779286"},{"product_id":"funny-pug-tote-bag-morning-pug-accino","title":"Morning Pug-accino Large Eco Tote Bag | Sir Cucumber Dog","description":"\u003ch3 data-path-to-node=\"0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eFunny Pug Tote Bag: The Morning Pug-accino\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/h3\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"1\"\u003eIf you are looking for a \u003cb data-path-to-node=\"1\" data-index-in-node=\"25\"\u003efunny pug tote bag\u003c\/b\u003e, you have arrived. Sir Cucumber Dog is fundamentally opposed to mornings. He requires a massive dose of caffeine to function. This large oyster eco pug tote bag is your new essential item. It is perfect for carrying your daily burdens. Your daily routine might involve aggressive sighing. You might avoid eye contact on your commute. If so, this premium organic vessel is your new official uniform. It makes the absolute perfect gift for miserable commuters.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003ch3 data-path-to-node=\"2\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"2\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eWhy This Funny Pug Tote Bag Is Essential\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/h3\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"3\"\u003eWe do not simply sell standard bags. We provide highly relatable coping mechanisms for your daily travel. These bags act as a physical warning to overly cheerful morning people.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cul data-path-to-node=\"4\"\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"4,0,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"4,0,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eDefeatist Artwork:\u003c\/b\u003e Features Sir Cucumber Dog physically bathing in a frothy cappuccino. He is proudly wearing his signature cucumber monocle and green suit.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"4,1,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"4,1,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003ePremium Quality:\u003c\/b\u003e Built with a smooth and high quality organic cotton finish. It withstands heavy loads and crushing early morning commutes.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"4,2,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"4,2,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eGenerous Capacity:\u003c\/b\u003e This large oyster eco tote bag holds all your disappointing purchases. It easily carries your laptop and essential survival snacks.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"4,3,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"4,3,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eSignature Colours:\u003c\/b\u003e The design proudly features our signature brand colours. You will see vibrant cucumber green and smooth cucumber cream.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"4,4,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"4,4,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eBespoke Production:\u003c\/b\u003e Every piece uses a high quality bespoke printing process. Your bag arrives with flawless and highly durable artwork.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\u003chr data-path-to-node=\"5\"\u003e\n\u003ch3 data-path-to-node=\"6\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"6\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eFrequently Asked Questions\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/h3\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"7\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"7\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eWhat sizes are available for this bag?\u003c\/b\u003e This design comes in a spacious large size. It is perfect for carrying your daily essentials and avoiding human interaction.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"8\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"8\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eIs this tote bag environmentally friendly?\u003c\/b\u003e Yes, it absolutely is. This large oyster eco tote bag is made from organic materials. It is a highly sustainable choice for cynical shoppers.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"9\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"9\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eHow is the artwork applied to the fabric?\u003c\/b\u003e We use a high quality bespoke printing process. This ensures the detailed illustration of Sir Cucumber Dog will not fade. His signature cucumber monocle will remain perfectly intact.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"10\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"10\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eWhat colours are featured in the artwork?\u003c\/b\u003e The design proudly features our signature brand colours. You will see vibrant cucumber green and smooth cucumber cream. These contrast beautifully with the oyster fabric.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Cucumber Dog | Rude Mugs, Funny Tees \u0026 Elite Disdain","offers":[{"title":"Default Title","offer_id":53504674791766,"sku":"7506554_10733","price":31.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0955\/7793\/2118\/files\/large-eco-tote-oyster-back-69fc90c027b09.jpg?v=1790779362"},{"product_id":"toot-tola-fruit-organic-eco-tote-bag","title":"Toot To'la Fruit | Organic Eco Tote Bag","description":"Say goodbye to plastic, and bag your goodies in this organic cotton tote bag. There’s more than enough room for groceries, books, and anything in between.\u003cbr\u003e\n\u003cbr\u003e\n• 100% certified organic cotton 3\/1 twill\u003cbr\u003e\n• Fabric weight: 8 oz\/yd² (272 g\/m²)\u003cbr\u003e\n• Dimensions: 16″ × 14 ½″ × 5″ (40.6 cm × 35.6 cm × 12.7 cm)\u003cbr\u003e\n• Weight limit: 30 lbs (13.6 kg)\u003cbr\u003e\n• 1″ (2.5 cm) wide dual straps, 24.5″ (62.2 cm) length\u003cbr\u003e\n• Open main compartment\u003cbr\u003e\n• Blank product sourced from India\u003cbr\u003e\n\u003cbr\u003e\nThis product is made especially for you as soon as you place an order, which is why it takes us a bit longer to deliver it to you. Making products on demand instead of in bulk helps reduce overproduction, so thank you for making thoughtful purchasing decisions!","brand":"Cucumber Dog | Rude Mugs, Funny Tees \u0026 Elite Disdain","offers":[{"title":"Default Title","offer_id":54554227278166,"sku":"2937201_10457","price":25.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0955\/7793\/2118\/files\/eco-tote-bag-black-front-6a579f3b7e30f.jpg?v=1790779863"},{"product_id":"instead-of-therapy-organic-tote-bag","title":"Instead Of Therapy | Organic Eco Tote Bag","description":"\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"12\"\u003eAre you entirely exhausted by the prospect of processing your feelings? We have engineered the perfect enabler for your avoidance strategies.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"13\"\u003eSet against a sophisticated, neutral Oyster canvas backdrop, this design utilizes our strictly mandated typography to deliver a highly accurate financial disclosure. Printed in our signature dark Cucumber Green, the distressed block text proudly broadcasts a devastatingly honest admission: \"CONTAINS ITEMS I BOUGHT INSTEAD OF GOING TO THERAPY.\"\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"14\"\u003eIt is the perfect, highly functional accessory for your next impulsive shopping spree. It serves as a wearable warning to retail staff that you are currently self medicating with premium goods and should not be disturbed under any circumstances.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cul data-path-to-node=\"17\"\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"17,0,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"17,0,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003ePremium Organic Twill:\u003c\/b\u003e Crafted from 100% certified organic cotton in a sturdy 3\/1 twill weave. Exceptionally durable and entirely free from agricultural peasantry.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"17,1,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"17,1,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eFormidable Armour:\u003c\/b\u003e The dense 8 oz\/yd² (272 g\/m²) fabric weight provides a secure structural barrier between your questionable financial decisions and the judgement of the general public.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"17,2,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"17,2,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eSubstantial Capacity:\u003c\/b\u003e Measuring a generous 16 by 14.5 by 5 inches (40.6 by 35.6 by 12.7 cm) with a wide open main compartment, offering vast, cavernous space for all your impulsive coping mechanisms.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"17,3,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"17,3,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eLoad Bearing Hostility:\u003c\/b\u003e Strictly engineered to comfortably carry up to 30 lbs (13.6 kg) of emotional displacement.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"17,4,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"17,4,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eErgonomic Transport:\u003c\/b\u003e Features dual 1 inch wide straps measuring exactly 24.5 inches in length, ensuring maximum shoulder comfort while you haul your unboxed trauma through the high street.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e","brand":"Cucumber Dog | Rude Mugs, Funny Tees \u0026 Elite Disdain","offers":[{"title":"Default Title","offer_id":54564263395670,"sku":"5188811_10458","price":25.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0955\/7793\/2118\/files\/eco-tote-bag-oyster-front-6a58b023c15a2.jpg?v=1790779874"},{"product_id":"corporate-denial-organic-eco-tote-bag","title":"Corporate Denial | Organic Eco Tote Bag","description":"Say goodbye to plastic, and bag your goodies in this organic cotton tote bag. There’s more than enough room for groceries, books, and anything in between.\u003cbr\u003e\n\u003cbr\u003e\n• 100% certified organic cotton 3\/1 twill\u003cbr\u003e\n• Fabric weight: 8 oz\/yd² (272 g\/m²)\u003cbr\u003e\n• Dimensions: 16″ × 14 ½″ × 5″ (40.6 cm × 35.6 cm × 12.7 cm)\u003cbr\u003e\n• Weight limit: 30 lbs (13.6 kg)\u003cbr\u003e\n• 1″ (2.5 cm) wide dual straps, 24.5″ (62.2 cm) length\u003cbr\u003e\n• Open main compartment\u003cbr\u003e\n• Blank product sourced from India","brand":"Cucumber Dog | Rude Mugs, Funny Tees \u0026 Elite Disdain","offers":[{"title":"Default Title","offer_id":54567101923670,"sku":"5785841_10457","price":25.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0955\/7793\/2118\/files\/eco-tote-bag-black-front-6a58e74cb0eb1.jpg?v=1790779900"}],"url":"https:\/\/cucumberdog.com\/collections\/totes.oembed","provider":"Cucumber Dog | Sarcastic Apparel, Athletic wear \u0026 Homeware","version":"1.0","type":"link"}