{"product_id":"existential-stork-sarcastic-birthday-shirt","title":"The Existential Stork | Sarcastic Birthday T-Shirt \u0026 Retro Humour","description":"\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"8\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"8\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eThe Nihilist Apparel Hub\u003c\/b\u003e Featuring a heavily apathetic, retro stork paired with the highly factual statement \"I don't remember being born but it happened.\" Formally endorsed by Sir Cucumber Dog, who also resents being brought into existence without prior written consultation. This specific garment targets the highly lucrative sarcastic birthday gifting vector and the broader retro aesthetic market. We entirely reject celebratory balloons and forced positivity in favour of blunt biological realism.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"9\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"9\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eTargeted Gifting Solutions\u003c\/b\u003e We provide logistical solutions for mandatory annual celebrations. This offensive t-shirt serves as the perfect low budget, high impact gift for a cynical sibling, an ungrateful offspring, or a deeply exhausted coworker who absolutely despises their birthday.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"10\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"10\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003ePremium Organic Manufacturing\u003c\/b\u003e We absolutely refuse to print our corporate apathy on inferior materials. This garment is built to strict premium specifications, ensuring your existential crisis is displayed on the highest quality canvas.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cul data-path-to-node=\"11\"\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"11,0,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"11,0,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eOrganic Construction:\u003c\/b\u003e Crafted from 100% organic ring spun combed cotton. Exceptionally soft and entirely free from agricultural peasantry.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"11,1,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"11,1,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eRetro Visual Contrast:\u003c\/b\u003e High resolution direct to garment printing ensures the muted, 1970s colour palette and vintage typography pop perfectly against the crisp white fabric.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"11,2,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"11,2,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eLightweight Armour:\u003c\/b\u003e The 155 g\/m² single jersey fabric provides a breathable but highly durable layer of protection against forced small talk.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"11,3,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"11,3,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eMandatory Transparency Clause:\u003c\/b\u003e Management accepts zero liability for your undergarment choices. This lightweight fabric is inherently sheer to maximise breathability. Lighter colours will become semi transparent under direct lighting. 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Dog | Rude Mugs, Funny Tees \u0026 Elite 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