{"product_id":"still-utterly-useless-birthday-mug-sir-cucumber-dog","title":"\"Still Utterly Useless\" Birthday Mug | Sir Cucumber Dog","description":"\u003ch3 data-path-to-node=\"10\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"10\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eAn Annual Audit of Your Personal Failure\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/h3\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"11\"\u003eSir Cucumber Dog has reviewed your performance over the last 365 days, and the results are predictably dismal. While others might offer platitudes about \"getting better with age,\" the Chairman prefers to focus on the reality of your situation: you have successfully aged without becoming any more useful to the world at large.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"12\"\u003eThis premium ceramic vessel is the most sophisticated way to acknowledge a friend or family member's total lack of progress. Featuring the biting decree: \"ANOTHER YEAR... STILL UTTERLY USELESS.\", it is the perfect gift for birthdays, work anniversaries, or any milestone where honesty is preferred over politeness. Sir Cucumber Dog looks on from his Cucumber cream background, his monocle firmly in place as he judges your stagnant lifestyle.\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"14\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003chr data-path-to-node=\"16\"\u003e\n\u003ch3 data-path-to-node=\"17\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"17\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eWhy You Absolutely Require This Vessel\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/h3\u003e\n\u003cul data-path-to-node=\"18\"\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"18,0,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"18,0,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eElite British Sarcasm:\u003c\/b\u003e Most \"getting older\" mugs are tacky. This one is posh, using our signature Cucumber green and vibrant yellow to make the insult look like an official announcement.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"18,1,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"18,1,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eThe Anti-Birthday Gift:\u003c\/b\u003e Perfect for the person who hates the fuss of birthdays, or for the sibling you love to remind of their place in the family hierarchy.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"18,2,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"18,2,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eHigh-End Aesthetic:\u003c\/b\u003e Sir Cucumber Dog is rendered in his meticulously tailored cucumber-print suit, ensuring that even a devastating insult looks remarkably premium.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"18,3,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"18,3,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eBuilt to Outlast Your Youth:\u003c\/b\u003e Dishwasher and microwave safe. The Chairman’s judgmental scowl and your grim prognosis are engineered to resist fading.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\u003chr data-path-to-node=\"19\"\u003e\n\u003ch3 data-path-to-node=\"20\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"20\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eTechnical Specifications for the Discerning\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/h3\u003e\n\u003cul data-path-to-node=\"21\"\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"21,0,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"21,0,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003ePremium Material:\u003c\/b\u003e 100% High-Gloss Ceramic.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"21,1,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"21,1,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eSize Options:\u003c\/b\u003e Available in standard 11oz or a generous 15oz for those who need more volume to cope with their mediocrity.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"21,2,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"21,2,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eSafety First:\u003c\/b\u003e Entirely lead and BPA-free.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"21,3,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"21,3,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eCare Instructions:\u003c\/b\u003e Fully dishwasher and microwave safe for long-term use.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"21,4,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"21,4,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eBritish Standards:\u003c\/b\u003e Designed with a focus on British English and the biting sense of humour found only in the best UK households.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\u003ch3 data-path-to-node=\"16\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"16\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eColonial Translation\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/h3\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"17\"\u003e\u003ci data-path-to-node=\"17\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003e(For our friends across the pond who struggle with extra vowels)\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"18\"\u003eIf you want to \u003cb data-path-to-node=\"18\" data-index-in-node=\"15\"\u003ehonor\u003c\/b\u003e your \u003cb data-path-to-node=\"18\" data-index-in-node=\"26\"\u003efavorite\u003c\/b\u003e person with a high \u003cb data-path-to-node=\"18\" data-index-in-node=\"54\"\u003ecolor\u003c\/b\u003e gift that mocks their \u003cb data-path-to-node=\"18\" data-index-in-node=\"82\"\u003ebehavior\u003c\/b\u003e, this is the \u003cb data-path-to-node=\"18\" data-index-in-node=\"104\"\u003ecenter\u003c\/b\u003e of any birthday celebration. It is a great \u003cb data-path-to-node=\"18\" data-index-in-node=\"154\"\u003edefense\u003c\/b\u003e against boring, sentimental gifts and provides much-needed \u003cb data-path-to-node=\"18\" data-index-in-node=\"221\"\u003etheater\u003c\/b\u003e for the office. This \u003cb data-path-to-node=\"18\" data-index-in-node=\"250\"\u003eprogram\u003c\/b\u003e of personal failure is sure to be a \u003cb data-path-to-node=\"18\" data-index-in-node=\"294\"\u003elabeled\u003c\/b\u003e success in any \u003cb data-path-to-node=\"18\" data-index-in-node=\"317\"\u003eneighborhood.\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"18\" data-index-in-node=\"317\"\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n                                \u003cscript type=\"application\/ld+json\"\u003e\n{\n  \"@context\": \"https:\/\/schema.org\/\",\n  \"@type\": \"Product\",\n  \"name\": \"Still Utterly Useless Birthday Mug\",\n  \"image\": [\n    \"https:\/\/cucumberdog.com\/images\/still-utterly-useless-mug.jpg\"\n  ],\n  \"description\": \"Celebrate another year of zero progress. 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