Here it is. The t-shirt that resulted from an all-hands emergency meeting about “brand authenticity” and “disrupting the pet apparel space.” He was apparently inspired while cleaning himself on the new office rug. This is my life now.

It’s a shirt for people who love dogs, or at least for people who have given up trying to explain their dog’s horrifyingly affectionate habits to guests. It’s a cry for help. It’s a conversation starter. It’s another box I have to tick before I’m allowed to turn my computer off.

Honestly, just buy one. Every sale is a step closer to me getting a full night’s sleep. And yes, fine, shipping is free in the UK. We’ll probably pack it between sobs and lukewarm instant coffees, but it’ll get to you.

The Mandatory Product Specs I Was Told to “Jazz Up”
I’m too tired to jazz it up. Here are the facts.

The Fabric: The solid colour shirts are 100% cotton. It’s soft, comfortable, and probably nicer to wear than this cheap polyester uniform I’m stuck in.

The Other Fabrics: The Sport Grey, Ash Grey, and Heather colours are cotton/polyester blends. He wanted options. More options mean more spreadsheets for me. Please just pick one.

The Weight: It’s a good, solid fabric weight (170-180 g/m²). It feels substantial, unlike my hopes for a quiet weekend.

The Build Quality: It’s made with double-stitched seams and a reinforced neck. Unlike my will to live, this shirt is designed not to fall apart under pressure.

The Sourcing: The boss spun a globe and pointed at some places. The blank shirts come from one of the following: Honduras, Nicaragua, Haiti, Dominican Republic, Bangladesh, or Mexico. There. I typed them all out.

Some Fine Print Before I Collapse
The White shirt isn’t brilliant, operating-theatre white. It’s more of an off-white, the colour of deep-seated exhaustion. Don’t email us about it.

The Natural one has little speckles in it. They are supposed to be there. They are a feature. We are too tired to make mistakes.

And here’s the kicker: We only print this shirt after you order it. It’s a “thoughtful” on-demand system that helps “reduce overproduction.” It also means your order takes a bit longer, and we have to stay later to process it. So, thank you for your “thoughtful purchasing decision.” Really. From the bottom of my heart.