Home of Rude, Stupid, and Downright Unnecessary Gifts.

Welcome to the home of Sir Cucumber Dog, where we specialise in unique, printed to order gifts designed to offend the neighbours. We don't do stockpiles or waste. Every mug, tee, and coaster is crafted specifically for you, ensuring your item is as "special" as you are.

It takes slightly longer than a mega-corporation, but quality this good can't be rushed. Browse our collection of freshly printed, rude designs and embrace the wait.

FAN FAVOURITES

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THE DOG RULES Mat: Cucumber Dog indoor mat featuring the brand mascot Sir Cucumber Dog the pug and text saying The Dog Rules.

THE DOG RULES Indoor Door Mat (Featuring Sir Cucumber Dog)

THE DOG RULES Indoor Door Mat (Featuring Sir Cucumber Dog)
£28.99

FREE UK SHIPPING

THE CUCUMBER DOG COLLECTION

Free UK Shipping

Always. Cucumber Dog has no nasty surprises at the checkout. Sir Cucumber Dog pays the postage, so you don't have to.

High-Quality Prints

No pixelated nonsense. Crisp lines, vibrant colours and durable finishes only. Perfect for the birthday insults!

Small UK Business

Support questionable humour. You are funding independent design, not a billionaire’s rocket fund. Sir Cucmber Dog thanks you.
READ MORE ABOUT WHY CUCUMBER DOG

THE LITTER COLLECTION

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Sir Cucumber Dog Official Logo Kids' Heavy Cotton Tee

£19.99
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Cucumber Dog "Dad, You Should've Pulled Out" Kids' T-Shirt

£19.99
TAKE ME TO THE LITTER COLLECTION

FRESH OFF THE PRESS

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Sir Cucumber Dog Official Logo Kids' Heavy Cotton Tee

Sir Cucumber Dog Official Logo Kids' Heavy Cotton Tee
£19.99
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I Always Crap Myself | The Honest Baby Grow

Let’s be real: your baby has exactly one job, and they do it with alarming consistency. Why beat around the bush when you can just state the obvious? This I Always Crap Myself baby jersey bodysuit...
£20.99

What our customers say

Real reviews from real customers

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Sarah M

2 weeks ago

I bought this for the hallway and it has honestly saved my carpets. I have a strict "no shoes" policy, but telling people can feel a bit awkward. This mat does the heavy lifting for me.

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Paul P

1 month ago

I bought this for my brother because, let’s be real, he’s been auditioning for this title his entire life. The varsity lettering gives it a weirdly "official" look, like he graduated top of his class at the University of Bad Decisions.

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Emma L

3 weeks ago

Bought as a gift, I think the laugh means they like it.

NEW COLLECTION DROP!

PET BOWL MATS

The boss has inspected the goods and given his official stamp of approval. Introducing our brand-new collection of funny pet food mats, personally tested and judged by Sir Cucumber Dog himself.

He is already making his demands known with our "Feed Me Bitch!" mat, bringing our signature rude and funny style straight to your pet’s dinner time. Why let your furry friend eat off a boring floor? Give your kitchen the glow-up it deserves with a high-quality, easy-clean pet mat that is 100% boss-approved.

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The Official Cucumber Dog Blog

The Great Inverse Inquisition: A Comprehensive Guide to Wasting Every Second of Your Life

We spend our existence chasing the specific. "What time is it?" "Where do you live?" "What’s for dinner?" These are the efficient, boring pillars of human civilization. But imagine the...