Welcome to the Cucumber Dog contact desk. We know your time is valuable. Frankly, so is ours. Before directing an email to our administrative staff, consult the operational guidelines below.

The Bureaucracy

Who is Sir Cucumber Dog? Our supreme leader. He is a plush pug of refined taste, dressed in a bespoke Cucumber Green suit and a yellow bow tie. His cucumber monocle exists solely to silently evaluate your poor decision making.

Who is Jason? The human employee stationed at our Southampton headquarters. Grounded by osteoarthritis, he handles the digital logistics, manages the store, and answers your emails so the pug can remain undisturbed.

Shipping and Fulfillment We ship exclusively to the United States and Canada. Shipping is free on all orders over $60. We operate a zero waste, print on demand framework. Your apparel and accessories are manufactured specifically for you at the time of purchase. Expect 2 to 5 business days for production, plus standard transit time.

Workplace Suitability Are our products appropriate for the office? Only if you are entirely indifferent to administrative disciplinary action.

Returns and Replacements Because we utilize a print on demand production model, every item is bespoke. Therefore, returns or exchanges are strictly limited to damaged or defective items. We do not accept returns for a change of mind. Make your purchasing decisions carefully.

If an item arrives damaged, email a clear photograph of the defect to woof@cucumberdog.com within 14 days of delivery. Jason will authorize an immediate replacement.

Direct Communication

If your query was not addressed above, skip the pleasantries and email woof@cucumberdog.com. Jason will respond as soon as his joints permit him to operate a keyboard.