Welcome to the official Cucumber Dog interrogation parameters. Before you draft an email to our administrative staff, please consult this mandatory documentation. There is a high statistical probability that your question has already been answered below.

1. Logistics & Fulfilment

Where do you ship? We currently fulfil and dispatch orders exclusively to the United States and Canada. If you reside outside of these territories (including the UK), we cannot process your transaction. Sir Cucumber Dog has exported his aesthetic strictly across the pond.

How much does shipping cost? We charge a flat shipping rate of $5.99 USD for the United States and $9.99 USD for Canada. However, standard shipping is completely free on all orders exceeding $60.00 USD.

How long will my order take to arrive? We operate a strict made-to-order framework. Your item does not exist in a dusty warehouse; it is manufactured the moment you purchase it.

• Production Lead Time: 3 to 5 working days for printing, curing, and quality checks.

• Shipping Transit Time (Added to Production): 3 to 5 business days for the USA, 3 to 6 business days for domestic Canadian orders, and 6 to 12 business days for cross-border Canadian colourways.

• Total Estimated Delivery: Expect 6 to 13 business days in total (up to 15 business days for cross-border Canadian orders). Orders often arrive faster, but we refuse to officially promise that.

Will I have to pay customs or import duties in Canada? For the USA and the majority of Canadian orders (which are printed locally inside our Toronto hub), there are zero customs fees. However, certain specialist garment colourways (such as our heavyweight Bone and Forest Green hoodies) are fulfilled at our US facilities and shipped directly across the border to Canada. While we never charge you extra shipping for this, cross-border parcels take slightly longer in transit and may occasionally be subject to standard Canadian GST, HST, or carrier handling fees upon delivery.

Why did my mug and my hoodie arrive in separate parcels? To prevent a heavy ceramic mug from smashing your fresh streetwear in transit, hard goods (mugs and coasters) and apparel are packed and dispatched in separate parcels at no extra cost to you.

What happens if I typed my address wrong or my parcel is "Returned to Sender"? If you spot a typo immediately after ordering, email woof@cucumberdog.com. If your item has not entered production, we will fix it. Once dispatched, we cannot reroute parcels. If a parcel bounces back to our fulfilment hub due to an "Insufficient Address", a missing apartment number, or going "Unclaimed", we can reship it once it returns to the warehouse, however the customer is legally responsible for paying the reshipping postage fee.

2. Returns, Sizing & Operational Failures

I changed my mind or ordered the wrong size. Can I return or exchange my item? No. Because every single garment and mug is custom-manufactured to order specifically for you, all sales are final. We strictly reject returns or exchanges based on human error, buyer's remorse, or ignoring the Size Guide. Measure a garment you own flat at home and check our measurements twice before purchasing (note that global blank measurements may vary by up to 2 inches / 5 cm).

How do your heavyweight hoodies fit? Our heavyweight hoodies feature a modern, tailored streetwear cut that runs slightly snug. If you prefer a relaxed, slouchy fit for maximum couch hibernation, order one full size larger than your usual size.

My item arrived broken or misprinted. What is the protocol? If the postal network has shattered your mug or a garment has a genuine manufacturing fault, email woof@cucumberdog.com within 14 days of delivery with your order number and 2 to 3 clear photographs (one full flat-lay shot of the entire item, plus close-up shots of the fault). Sending photos in your very first email allows us to authorise an immediate free replacement. Do not post a box of broken ceramic back to us.

3. Printing, Care & Product Standards

How are your apparel graphics printed, and will they crack? Unlike bargain brands that spray wet ink into rough fabric where it fades, we use commercial DTFlex (Direct-to-Film) thermal-bonding technology. Your graphic is printed with eco-friendly, water-based vegan inks and permanently heat-bonded to the 100% cotton face of our garments. This delivers 100% solid colour opacity on dark fleece, razor-sharp micro-text, natural stretch without cracking, and zero vinegar pre-treatment smells.

How do I wash my hoodie or t-shirt without ruining it? High heat is the mortal enemy of thermal-bonded graphics and heavyweight cotton.

• Turn the garment inside-out and wash cold (max 30°C / 85°F) on a gentle cycle.

• Hang-dry recommended (or tumble dry on strictly low heat).

• Never touch a hot iron directly to the graphic. Cool iron inside-out only if necessary.

• No bleach, dry cleaning, or fabric softeners.

Are your products suitable for the workplace? That depends entirely on your professional environment and your desire to remain employed. Every product features our official Cucumber Dog Offensive Rating (1/5 to 5/5):

• 1/5: Mildly Sarcastic

• 2/5: Passive Aggressive

• 3/5: Dangerously Cheeky

• 4/5: Blatantly Disrespectful

• 5/5: Definite HR Violation Consult your own survival instincts before wearing a 5/5 design to a Monday strategy meeting.

Do you sell floor mats or bath mats? No. Sir Cucumber Dog has officially retired the floor mat collection. Our catalogue is strictly focused on premium heavyweight apparel, ceramic drinkware, and accessories.

4. Corporate Hierarchy

Who is Sir Cucumber Dog? He is the Chief Judgement Officer and boss of the brand. He is a plush pug of refined taste, permanently attired in a bespoke Cucumber Green suit (#2D4C31), a yellow bow tie, and a cucumber monocle. He is not for sale, and he evaluates all merchandise in complete silence.

Who is Jason? Jason is the human employee stationed at our Southampton, England headquarters. Grounded by severe osteoarthritis, he handles the digital logistics, oversees our North American print routing, processes replacements, and answers your emails so the pug can remain undisturbed.

I still need to contact someone. How do I do that? If this document failed to resolve your inquiry, direct your correspondence to woof@cucumberdog.com (Support hours: Monday to Friday, 9 AM to 5 PM GMT / 4 AM to 12 PM EST). Skip the pleasantries and state your issue clearly.

Colonial Translation

• British English: Catalogue / Fulfilment / Working days / Colourways / Parcel / Post / Tumble dryer

• American & Canadian English: Catalog / Fulfillment / Business days / Color options / Package / Mail / Dryer

• Context: A formal document designed to severely limit the amount of human interaction required to run a digital storefront.