Sizing Guides

Sizing & Structural Anatomy

The structural anatomy of a Cucumber Dog heavyweight fleece or graphic tee is engineered for maximum lethargy and unbothered comfort. However, because our North American manufacturing partners build these garments strictly to order, we do not operate a trial and error return policy.

Before you click the checkout button, you must determine your exact measurements. Measure your current favourite garment, compare it to the corporate charts below, and order correctly.

Administrative Warning: Mandatory Sizing Up

Our premium fleece runs small.

  • For a standard, tailored fit: You must order one size up from your normal size.
  • For a relaxed, oversized streetwear look (Pump Cover): You must order two sizes up.

Measure twice, order once. We do not do refunds just because you ignored this warning. Product measurements across all categories may vary by up to 2" (5 cm) due to the custom manufacturing process.

1. Heavyweight Fit Guide

Measurements are taken with the garment laying flat.

Size Chest Width Length
XS 19" / 48.3 cm 26" / 66.0 cm
S 20" / 50.8 cm 27" / 68.6 cm
M 21" / 53.3 cm 28" / 71.1 cm
L 23" / 58.4 cm 29" / 73.7 cm
XL 25" / 63.5 cm 30" / 76.2 cm
2XL 26.5" / 67.3 cm 31" / 78.7 cm
3XL 28" / 71.1 cm 32" / 81.3 cm
4XL 30" / 76.2 cm 33" / 83.8 cm

2. Adult Graphic Tees

Our standard issue uniform for the chronically unbothered. These feature a classic, relaxed retail fit. If you prefer a restrictive, skin-tight garment, you are shopping at the wrong establishment.

Size Chest Width Length Sleeve Length
XS 20.5" / 52.1 cm 28.25" / 71.8 cm 9.5" / 24.1 cm
S 21.25" / 54.0 cm 29.25" / 74.3 cm 9.75" / 24.8 cm
M 22.75" / 57.8 cm 30" / 76.2 cm 9.75" / 24.8 cm
L 24.5" / 62.2 cm 30.75" / 78.1 cm 10" / 25.4 cm
XL 26.5" / 67.3 cm 32" / 81.3 cm 10.25" / 26.0 cm
2XL 28.25" / 71.8 cm 32.75" / 83.2 cm 10.5" / 26.7 cm

3. Miniature Dependents (Kids Tees)

Children grow at an alarming and financially ruinous rate. Our return policy does not. These measurements are for the Comfort Colors 9018 Youth Garment-Dyed Heavyweight T-Shirt. If your miniature dependent is between sizes, we strongly advise ordering the larger size. They will eventually grow into it, and you will save us both a tedious email exchange.

Size Chest Width Length
XXS 12.5" / 31.8 cm 18" / 45.7 cm
XS 13.5" / 34.3 cm 18.75" / 47.6 cm
S 14.5" / 36.8 cm 20.5" / 52.1 cm
M 16.5" / 41.9 cm 21.5" / 54.6 cm
L 17.5" / 44.5 cm 22.75" / 57.8 cm
XL 19.5" / 49.5 cm 26" / 66.0 cm

How to Execute a Proper Measurement

Do not attempt to measure your own body (or your child's). Find a similar garment you currently own that fits perfectly. Lay it completely flat on a table and measure the garment directly.

  • Chest Width (Pit to Pit): Measure straight across the chest from just under the left armpit to just under the right armpit.
  • Length: Measure straight down from the highest point of the shoulder (near the collar) to the very bottom edge of the hem.
  • Sleeve Length: Measure from the centre back of the neck, across the shoulder, and down to the end of the sleeve.

Colonial Translation (For Our North American Cousins)

  • British English: Jumper / Fleece
    American English: Pullover Hoodie / Sweatshirt
    Context: The garment you are currently attempting to measure to avoid a catastrophic sizing error.
  • British English: Tape Measure
    American English: Measuring Tape
    Context: The flexible measuring tool you absolutely must locate and use before completing checkout.
  • British English: Pit to Pit
    American English: Chest Width
    Context: The horizontal measurement across the garment. Ignore this at your own financial peril.

Offensive Rating: 4/5 (Blatantly Disrespectful)

"The sheer audacity of ordering the wrong size, ignoring the written warnings, and expecting my administrative peasantry to process a refund is a level of incompetence I simply will not subsidise."

by Sir Cucumber Dog, Chairman