The Official Cucumber Dog Blogs: Prepare for Unfiltered, Hilarious Nonsense

Ready for a bit of cheeky mischief? Step right up to the official home of the Cucumber Dog Blogs, narrated by the one and only Sir Cucumber Dog himself—the dapper pug in the cucumber-print suit and monocle. Prepare yourself for a weekly dose of unfiltered, outrageously funny content that is absolutely not safe for work (or overly sensitive relatives). Whether he's reviewing the rudest designs we've printed on our latest mugs and tees, plotting his next pug-led corporate takeover, or simply complaining about the lack of decent biscuits, this is where the proper fun begins. Dive in, and try not to spill your tea laughing.

Stop Wiping Your Feet on Boring! Introducing Our Hilarious Indoor Doormat Collection
Stop Wiping Your Feet on Boring! Introducing Our Hilarious Indoor Doormat Collection
Tired of those bland, beige mats? It’s time to give your guests (and yourself) a proper, laugh-out-loud welcome! Our brand-new collection of funny indoor doormats is here to inject some... Read more...
A Public Service Announcement: The Dog Lick Warning Mat!
A Public Service Announcement: The Dog Lick Warning Mat!
WARNING: The Truth About Dog Licks   Sir Cucumber Dog demands honesty! We're all tired of the "dog kiss is sweet" lie. Every dog owner knows the terrifying three-step cycle:... Read more...
Stop Right There! Why Every Ginger Needs the "GINGER PERSON LIVES HERE" Doormat
Stop Right There! Why Every Ginger Needs the "GINGER PERSON LIVES HERE" Doormat
Well, look at this. Pure, unadulterated warning, delivered with the visual punch of a cheap packet of orange sherbet. It’s Sir Cucumber Dog, reporting for duty beneath the dazzling glow... Read more...
The Green Light for a Day Off: Why St George’s Day Should be a Bank Holiday!
The Green Light for a Day Off: Why St George’s Day Should be a Bank Holiday!
Right then, you miserable lot! It’s Sir Cucumber Dog here, and I'm not afraid to say what needs to be said, even from beneath this ridiculously chic cucumber monocle. It's... Read more...
Why Your Dog Absolutely Needs "The Dog. The Legend. The Dickhead." Mat
Why Your Dog Absolutely Needs "The Dog. The Legend. The Dickhead." Mat
Let's be honest, we all love our dogs. They're loyal, they're goofy, and they're always there to greet us. But let's also be really honest: sometimes, they're total dickheads. And... Read more...
The Undead Emergency: Your Very Rude Guide to Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse
The Undead Emergency: Your Very Rude Guide to Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse
(A survival manifesto brought to you by the brand with zero chill.) Look, the world’s gone mushy. It happens. All those gentle, quiet people who gave you side-eye for your... Read more...
The Philosophical Pug: What Pugs Can Teach Us About Being Perfectly Imperfect
The Philosophical Pug: What Pugs Can Teach Us About Being Perfectly Imperfect
In a world obsessed with flawless filters, perfectly curated feeds, and aspirational #goals, do you ever feel... well, a little wonky? Like you're constantly trying to smooth out the edges,... Read more...
What Your Dog is Really Thinking: A Brutally Honest Translation
What Your Dog is Really Thinking: A Brutally Honest Translation
Greetings, you bumbling idiots. Sir Cucumber Dog here. I’ve been observing your species for some time now from my lofty, well-dressed position, and I must confess, your interpretations of our... Read more...
Funny T-Shirts to Mess With Their Heads: Sir Cucumber Dog Unveils the Mind Games Collection!
Funny T-Shirts to Mess With Their Heads: Sir Cucumber Dog Unveils the Mind Games Collection!
Greetings again, you delightful disasters and magnificent messes! Sir Cucumber Dog here. Paws for a moment. Take a deep breath. Now, look at your shirt. Is it on correctly? Are... Read more...
The Evolution of Humour
Before your favourite meme, before Shakespeare's insults, there was just Ugg (the caveman) tripping over a rock. Join us for a hilariously rude history lesson, tracking comedy from the Paleolithic Pun to the modern-day majesty of Sir Cucumber Dog. Find out what makes us snort and why your mug is probably still funnier than a toga party. Read more...
The Secret Life of Coasters: A Pug's Revelations
Greetings, Bipedal Furniture-Ruining Machines. Sir Cucumber Dog here. You think the coaster is just for stopping damp rings? Blimey. Your lack of imagination is exhausting. A coaster is a disc of infinite possibility—a tiny, glorious titan of tabletop utility! As your monocle-wearing, cucumber-suited pug mascot, I'm peeling back the veil of ignorance to reveal its true genius. I teach you the supremely important, unexpected uses for a coaster, including: The Personal Crumb Plinth (a floor-level snack altar). The Indoor Discus of Mild Peril (a great, low-effort toy). The Silent Judge... Read more...
Gifting: The Life-Long Curse (A Comedy of Receiving)
They say it’s better to give than to receive. 'They' are almost certainly people whose shelves are already groaning under the weight of ill-conceived gifts! From your first patterned baby shoe to the final, depressing bottle of high-end grout remover, receiving presents is a life-long curse of unwanted clutter and feigned enthusiasm. Why do people insist on buying things you never asked for? And why is cash considered "impersonal" when it's the only thing you actually need? This hilarious (and painfully accurate) post breaks down the four terrible stages of... Read more...