RETURNS POLICY

Returns and Operational Failures

We operate a strict zero waste, print on demand manufacturing model. Every item is a bespoke product printed specifically for you the moment your order is placed. This prevents warehouse bloat and eliminates unnecessary administrative tasks for our staff.

However, if the postal network has entirely failed at its sole purpose, we have an established protocol.

Valid Grounds for a Replacement

If your item arrives severely damaged, misprinted, or structurally compromised by the courier, we will authorise an immediate replacement or a refund.

You must direct an email to woof@cucumberdog.com within 14 days of delivery. Your correspondence must include:

  • Your official order number.
  • Clear photographic evidence of the damage or manufacturing defect.
  • A brief, factual explanation of the failure.

Invalid Grounds for Return

Because your item is manufactured specifically for you, we strictly reject returns based on human error or sudden regret. We do not accept returns or offer refunds for:

  • Changing your mind after the transaction is complete.
  • Ordering the incorrect size or colour.
  • Failing to read the severe expletives clearly printed on the product before purchasing.

Review your cart carefully prior to checkout. We will not save you from your own lack of attention to detail.

The Resolution Process

Upon authorisation of your claim with valid photographic evidence, Jason will process an immediate replacement or issue a refund to your original payment method. Financial refunds require 5 to 10 business days to clear, depending entirely on the bureaucratic incompetence of your banking institution.

Returning Physical Goods

In cases of severe damage or misprints, do not return the broken item unless explicitly instructed to do so. We require photographic evidence, not a cardboard box full of ceramic shards. Please dispose of the failure appropriately.

Further Correspondence

If your inquiry is not covered by this directive, email woof@cucumberdog.com. Jason will review your request when his schedule permits.

Colonial Translation

  • British English: Colour / Postman / Rubbish / Authorise
  • American English: Color / Mail carrier / Garbage / Authorize
  • Context: A formal policy document confirming that your lack of planning does not constitute an operational emergency on our part.