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Cucumber Dog Sir Cucumber Dog Athletics Carbon Grey Hoodie
$77.00
CJO Judgement Index
2 / 5
Passive Aggressive
""An exquisite crest celebrating physical inactivity through the medium of high-society canine opulence. Quite peerless.""
Sir Cucumber Dog, CJO
🚚 Estimated delivery:
Free over $60. Fulfilled locally in North America. No hidden fees, no overseas logistics drama.
The Vibe
This premium, heavyweight carbon grey hoodie from our signature athletic collection is engineered for anyone who views physical fitness with aristocratic disdain. The chest features a bold, circular crest graphic starring our distinguished mascot, Sir Cucumber Dog, complete with his signature cucumber print suit details, a yellow bow tie, and a cucumber monocle. The central portrait is framed by an outer ring containing the arched text 'SIR CUCUMBER DOG' across the top and 'ATHLETICS' across the bottom in deep navy typography against a rich gold and navy border. It is a high end streetwear staple designed to deliver maximum warmth and aristocratic sarcasm for the connoisseur of luxury leisure who understands that true status is achieved by wearing a monocle while sitting completely motionless on the sofa.
Colonial Translation
For our North American friends, please consult the following translations to ensure seamless transatlantic communication:
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UK: Humour / US: Humor
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UK: Cosy / US: Cozy
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UK: Colours / US: Colors
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UK: Centre / US: Center
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UK: Behaviour / US: Behavior
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UK: Fulfilment / US: Fulfillment
Production and Specifications
We prioritise longevity and structural integrity over fast fashion trends.
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Print Technology: We utilise advanced DTF (Direct to Film) printing. This guarantees the vibrant gold, navy, and Cucumber Green elements of Sir Cucumber Dog's crest will maintain their crisp edges and rich saturation without cracking after repeated washes.
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Fabric Composition: Constructed with a 100 per cent cotton face for an ultra soft hand feel, backed by a 65 per cent ring spun cotton and 35 per cent polyester blend to lock in maximum warmth.
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Construction Details: Features a functional front pouch pocket, matching flat drawstrings, a structured three panel hood, and a premium self fabric patch on the back.
Crucial Fit Guidance
This garment runs small. For the perfect fit and an ideal relaxed drape, we highly recommend ordering one full size larger than your usual size.
Shipping and Corporate Policy
To maintain our stringent quality control and streamlined logistics, Cucumber Dog offers fulfilment exclusively to the USA and Canada. All orders over $60 qualify for free shipping. Because our premium apparel is manufactured via a sustainable print on demand process, we operate a strict returns policy. We only accept returns or exchanges for items that arrive damaged or defective. We absolutely do not process refunds for a change of mind.
Shipping & returns
Shipping
- Cost: Free on orders over $60.
- Delivery: Exclusively shipping within the USA and Canada. Every order is fulfilled locally.
- Timing: Your item is crafted specifically for you. Please allow 3 to 5 business days for production before your freshly printed order is shipped.
Returns
- Because our apparel is printed on demand just for you, we strictly do not accept returns or refunds if you simply change your mind. If the item arrives damaged or the pug messed up the print, we will sort it out. No stress, no fuss.
Colonial Translation
- Sort it out: Fix the issue.
- Change of mind: Buyer's remorse.
Frequently asked questions
How do I choose the correct size?
Do not guess your size. Our funny slogan t-shirts and premium apparel use standard UK unisex sizing. Please consult the dedicated size guide located on this specific product page before adding the item to your basket. Taking a moment to measure a shirt you already own is the best way to ensure a proper fit and avoid looking like a burst sausage.
Heavyweight Fit Guide
IN / CM
| Size | Chest Width | Length |
|---|---|---|
| XS | 19" / 48.3 cm | 26" / 66.0 cm |
| S | 20" / 50.8 cm | 27" / 68.6 cm |
| M | 21" / 53.3 cm | 28" / 71.1 cm |
| L | 23" / 58.4 cm | 29" / 73.7 cm |
| XL | 25" / 63.5 cm | 30" / 76.2 cm |
| 2XL | 26.5" / 67.3 cm | 31" / 78.7 cm |
| 3XL | 28" / 71.1 cm | 32" / 81.3 cm |
| 4XL | 30" / 76.2 cm | 33" / 83.8 cm |
Measurements are taken with the garment laying flat. WARNING: This premium fleece runs small. For a standard fit, you must order one size up. For a relaxed streetwear look, order two sizes up. Measure twice, order once. We do not do refunds just because you ignored this warning.
How long does delivery take?
Your new apparel or rude accessory is printed specifically for you. This sustainable print on demand process means production takes roughly 2 to 5 business days. Once your item is freshly printed, we will dispatch your order and provide a tracking link. Standard shipping within the UK and the US is completely free.
What is your return policy?
As every single item is a bespoke masterpiece printed to order, we do not accept returns or exchanges for a sudden change of heart or incorrect sizing. However, if your item arrives misprinted, faulty, or damaged by the courier, please contact our support team immediately with a clear photograph so we can resolve the issue.
How do i wash and care for my item?
Treat your new goods with the respect they deserve. Wash our organic cotton t-shirts inside out on a cool wash (30 degrees Celsius) and allow them to air dry to maintain their shape. Standard ceramic mugs are entirely dishwasher safe, but our heat colour changing mugs are delicate divas that must be washed by hand.
What size hoodie am I?
| Size | Chest Width (Inches) | Length (Inches) | Chest Width (cm) | Length (cm) |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| S | 20 | 27 | 50.8 | 68.6 |
| M | 21 | 28 | 53.3 | 71.1 |
| L | 23 | 29 | 58.4 | 73.7 |
| XL | 25 | 30 | 63.5 | 76.2 |
| 2XL | 26 ½ | 31 | 67.3 | 78.7 |
Who is Sir Cucumber Dog?
A gentleman does not typically reveal his secrets, but for you, I will make an exception. I am Sir Cucumber Dog: a plush pug of unparalleled sophistication, permanently squeezed into a bespoke green cucumber print suit. The cucumber monocle is purely for judging your life choices, and the yellow bow tie is because I am not a savage.
As the Chairman of this establishment, I oversee a curated collection of rude and funny designs across mugs, tees, and coasters, all presented in our signature Cucumber green and Cucumber cream. I am the physical embodiment of a lifestyle that prioritises sharp tailoring, strong gin, and an overwhelming disdain for the general public.