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White hoodie featuring large distressed black Cucumber Dog text with a cucumber slice monocle and gold chain resting in the centre, and the website URL below.
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Cucumber Dog Distressed Monocle Logo White Hoodie

Cucumber Dog Distressed Monocle Logo White Hoodie

$77.00
Offensive Rating 2/5 — Passive Aggressive

""A heavily distressed logo perfectly mirrors the psychological state of navigating daily social interactions. The monocle adds a necessary layer of superiority. Approved.""

— Sir Cucumber Dog, CJO
🌭
Fit Warning: Runs snug. Order one size up unless you enjoy looking like a burst sausage.

Sizing Guides

Sizing & Structural Anatomy

The structural anatomy of a Cucumber Dog heavyweight fleece or graphic tee is engineered for maximum lethargy and unbothered comfort. However, because our North American manufacturing partners build these garments strictly to order, we do not operate a trial and error return policy.

Before you click the checkout button, you must determine your exact measurements. Measure your current favourite garment, compare it to the corporate charts below, and order correctly.

Administrative Warning: Mandatory Sizing Up

Our premium fleece runs small.

  • For a standard, tailored fit: You must order one size up from your normal size.
  • For a relaxed, oversized streetwear look (Pump Cover): You must order two sizes up.

Measure twice, order once. We do not do refunds just because you ignored this warning. Product measurements across all categories may vary by up to 2" (5 cm) due to the custom manufacturing process.

1. Heavyweight Fit Guide

Measurements are taken with the garment laying flat.

Size Chest Width Length
XS 19" / 48.3 cm 26" / 66.0 cm
S 20" / 50.8 cm 27" / 68.6 cm
M 21" / 53.3 cm 28" / 71.1 cm
L 23" / 58.4 cm 29" / 73.7 cm
XL 25" / 63.5 cm 30" / 76.2 cm
2XL 26.5" / 67.3 cm 31" / 78.7 cm
3XL 28" / 71.1 cm 32" / 81.3 cm
4XL 30" / 76.2 cm 33" / 83.8 cm

2. Adult Graphic Tees

Our standard issue uniform for the chronically unbothered. These feature a classic, relaxed retail fit. If you prefer a restrictive, skin-tight garment, you are shopping at the wrong establishment.

Size Chest Width Length Sleeve Length
XS 20.5" / 52.1 cm 28.25" / 71.8 cm 9.5" / 24.1 cm
S 21.25" / 54.0 cm 29.25" / 74.3 cm 9.75" / 24.8 cm
M 22.75" / 57.8 cm 30" / 76.2 cm 9.75" / 24.8 cm
L 24.5" / 62.2 cm 30.75" / 78.1 cm 10" / 25.4 cm
XL 26.5" / 67.3 cm 32" / 81.3 cm 10.25" / 26.0 cm
2XL 28.25" / 71.8 cm 32.75" / 83.2 cm 10.5" / 26.7 cm

3. Miniature Dependents (Kids Tees)

Children grow at an alarming and financially ruinous rate. Our return policy does not. These measurements are for the Comfort Colors 9018 Youth Garment-Dyed Heavyweight T-Shirt. If your miniature dependent is between sizes, we strongly advise ordering the larger size. They will eventually grow into it, and you will save us both a tedious email exchange.

Size Chest Width Length
XXS 12.5" / 31.8 cm 18" / 45.7 cm
XS 13.5" / 34.3 cm 18.75" / 47.6 cm
S 14.5" / 36.8 cm 20.5" / 52.1 cm
M 16.5" / 41.9 cm 21.5" / 54.6 cm
L 17.5" / 44.5 cm 22.75" / 57.8 cm
XL 19.5" / 49.5 cm 26" / 66.0 cm

How to Execute a Proper Measurement

Do not attempt to measure your own body (or your child's). Find a similar garment you currently own that fits perfectly. Lay it completely flat on a table and measure the garment directly.

  • Chest Width (Pit to Pit): Measure straight across the chest from just under the left armpit to just under the right armpit.
  • Length: Measure straight down from the highest point of the shoulder (near the collar) to the very bottom edge of the hem.
  • Sleeve Length: Measure from the centre back of the neck, across the shoulder, and down to the end of the sleeve.

Colonial Translation (For Our North American Cousins)

  • British English: Jumper / Fleece
    American English: Pullover Hoodie / Sweatshirt
    Context: The garment you are currently attempting to measure to avoid a catastrophic sizing error.
  • British English: Tape Measure
    American English: Measuring Tape
    Context: The flexible measuring tool you absolutely must locate and use before completing checkout.
  • British English: Pit to Pit
    American English: Chest Width
    Context: The horizontal measurement across the garment. Ignore this at your own financial peril.

Offensive Rating: 4/5 (Blatantly Disrespectful)

"The sheer audacity of ordering the wrong size, ignoring the written warnings, and expecting my administrative peasantry to process a refund is a level of incompetence I simply will not subsidise."

by Sir Cucumber Dog, Chairman

What is the return policy?

Our goal is for every customer to be totally satisfied with their purchase. If this isn't the case, let us know and we'll do our best to work with you to make it right.
Estimated Delivery: Calculating...

Printed to order in North America. Free shipping over $60 USD.

Advertise your crumbling patience with our vintage typography. Premium white cotton meets unapologetic, monocle wearing corporate hostility.

Wear your disdain loudly, but make it vintage. This premium white hoodie features the towering, aggressively distressed Cucumber Dog typography in solid black, which is abruptly interrupted by the signature cucumber monocle and gold chain worn by our mascot, Sir Cucumber Dog. It is a bold, weathered design engineered for those who have spent years perfecting their corporate hostility and need a garment that accurately reflects their crumbling patience.

  • Material Construction: Crafted with a 100 per cent cotton face and a 65 per cent ring-spun cotton, 35 per cent polyester blend for maximum warmth.

  • Design Specifications: Includes a front pouch pocket, matching flat drawstrings, a structured 3-panel hood, and a self-fabric patch on the back for a premium finish.

  • Corporate Policy: As our apparel is manufactured using a print on demand fulfillment process, we strictly limit returns and exchanges to damaged or defective items. We absolutely do not accept returns for a change of mind. Please consult the size chart carefully before placing your order.

Colonial Translation

  • UK: Humour / Cosy / Colours / Centre / Behaviour / Favour

  • US: Humor / Cozy / Colors / Center / Behavior / Favor

Disclaimer: This hoodie runs small. For the perfect fit, we recommend ordering one size larger than your usual size.
Shipping & returns

Shipping

  • Cost: Flat rate of $5.99 USD for the USA and $9.99 USD for Canada. Orders over $60.00 USD ship completely FREE.
  • Production Lead Time: Every item is custom-crafted to order just for you. Please allow 3 to 5 working days for printing and quality checks before your parcel is handed to the courier.
  • Delivery Transit Time (Added to Production): 3 to 5 business days for the USA, and 3 to 6 business days for standard Canadian orders. Expect a total delivery window of 6 to 13 business days.
  • Canadian Cross-Border Note: Most Canadian orders are printed in Toronto. However, specialist colourways (such as Bone and Forest Green) ship directly from our US print hubs (taking 6 to 12 business days in transit) and may occasionally be subject to standard Canadian GST/HST upon delivery.
  • Split Parcels: Ordering both apparel and a mug? They ship in separate parcels at no extra cost so your ceramic drinkware does not crush your hoodie.

Returns

  • All Sales Are Final: Because our gear is printed on demand specifically for you, we strictly do not accept returns, exchanges, or refunds if you change your mind or ignore the Size Guide. Measure twice, buy once.
  • Damaged or Faulty Items: If your mug arrives shattered or the pug messed up the print, email woof@cucumberdog.com within 14 days of delivery with your order number and 2 to 3 clear photos of the fault. We will sort a free replacement immediately. No stress, no fuss.

Colonial Translation

  • Working days / Parcel: Business days / Package.
  • Sort a replacement: Issue a free replacement.
  • Change of mind: Buyer's remorse.
Cucumber Dog Distressed Monocle Logo White Hoodie $77.00

Frequently asked questions
Sizing & Fit Guide
🌭
Fit Warning: This premium fleece runs snug. Take a moment to measure a hoodie you already own—do not guess your size, unless you actively want to look like a burst sausage. Order one full size up for a standard fit.

Heavyweight Fit Guide

IN / CM
Size Chest Width Length
XS 19" / 48.3 cm 26" / 66.0 cm
S 20" / 50.8 cm 27" / 68.6 cm
M 21" / 53.3 cm 28" / 71.1 cm
L 23" / 58.4 cm 29" / 73.7 cm
XL 25" / 63.5 cm 30" / 76.2 cm
2XL 26.5" / 67.3 cm 31" / 78.7 cm
3XL 28" / 71.1 cm 32" / 81.3 cm
4XL 30" / 76.2 cm 33" / 83.8 cm
Measurements taken with garment laying flat. Fit Warning: This fleece runs snug. Order one size up for a standard fit, or two sizes up for a relaxed streetwear look. Measure twice, order once.
Delivery & Print-on-Demand Policy

very single piece of heavyweight apparel, ceramic drinkware, or sarcastic accessory is custom-printed to order. Because we refuse to warehouse mountains of unsold inventory in a damp shed, our made-to-order approach means production and fulfilment take between 3 to 5 working days.

Please note: Shipping transit time is in addition to production time. Once your freshly printed gear rolls off the line and passes Sir Cucumber Dog's judgement, it is dispatched from our North American print facilities with a live tracking link so you can obsessively stalk its journey to your doorstep.

  • Transit Times (Added to Fulfilment): 3 to 5 business days for the USA, and 3 to 6 business days for standard Canadian orders (6 to 12 business days for cross-border colourways). Please allow 6 to 13 business days in total before assuming your parcel has been abducted.
  • Shipping Cost: A flat rate of $5.99 USD for the USA and $9.99 USD for Canada.
  • Free Shipping: Automatically unlocked at checkout on all orders over $60.00 USD.
  • Customs & Import Drama: Zero drama for the USA and standard Canadian orders, which are fulfilled locally inside our US and Toronto hubs. However, certain specialist garment colourways (such as our heavyweight Bone hoodies) are printed at our US facilities and shipped across the border to Canada, meaning they take slightly longer in transit and may occasionally be subject to standard Canadian GST or HST upon delivery.
  • Split Parcels: Ordering both apparel and a mug? They will travel in separate parcels at no extra cost so your ceramic drinkware does not smash your hoodie in transit.
  • Sizing & Returns: Because every item is custom-made to order specifically for you, we cannot accept returns or exchanges if you order the wrong size. Please check our Size Guide twice before buying. If an item arrives shattered or misprinted, email woof@cucumberdog.com within 14 days of delivery with 2 to 3 clear photos and we will sort a free replacement immediately.

Colonial Translation

  • UK: Working days / Fulfilment / Dispatched / Parcel / Colourways / Sort a replacement
  • US & Canada: Business days / Fulfillment / Shipped / Package / Color options / Issue a replacement
Care & Wash Instructions

Treat your new goods with the respect they deserve so they outlive your enthusiasm for daily responsibilities.

  • Heavyweight Apparel (Hoodies & Tees): Wash inside out on a cool machine wash (30°C / cold) with similar colours. Tumble dry on low or—preferably—air dry whilst horizontal on the sofa. Do not iron directly over the DTF print unless you enjoy ruining things.
  • Standard Ceramic Mugs: Entirely dishwasher safe and microwave friendly.

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