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Cucumber Dog Tall Slim Typography Green Text | White Hoodie
$77.00
Offensive Rating
1/5 — Mildly Sarcastic
""Stretching our brand name into absurdly tall, ultra-condensed green typography across the back is a masterclass in clean, unbothered minimalism. Highly approved.""
— Sir Cucumber Dog, CJO
Fit Warning: Runs snug. Order one size up unless you enjoy looking like a burst sausage.
Printed to order in North America. Free shipping over $60 USD.
The Minimalist Brand Division
Welcome to the minimalist brand division. This premium white hoodie introduces the world to your absolute, uncompromising brand loyalty via a massive back print graphic. While the tall, ultra-condensed typography printed in official Cucumber Green suggests a sophisticated streetwear aesthetic, the sheer vertical scale of "CUCUMBER DOG" completely undermines any expectation of subtle corporate branding. It is the perfect attire for anyone who values clean design and making sure people reading your back from across the room know exactly how much you wish to be left alone.
Technical Specifications
We refuse to print our minimalist branding on inferior garments. This hoodie is built to strict premium specifications using our global network of bespoke print facilities.
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Fabric Construction: 100 per cent cotton face with a 65 per cent ring-spun cotton and 35 per cent polyester blend for maximum warmth.
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Design Features: A structured 3-panel hood and matching flat drawstrings, ensuring you can physically hide from your colleagues in maximum comfort.
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Durability: Constructed with a front pouch pocket for hiding your hands while refusing to participate, and a self-fabric patch on the back to protect your structural integrity.
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Global Fulfillment: Printed and routed locally, meaning faster delivery times whether you are avoiding people in the UK or the USA.
Corporate Compliance
When a colleague attempts to initiate mandatory small talk, turn your back to them to display the towering green typography, maintain unbroken eye contact over your shoulder, and submit the site evidence to our administrative peasantry by tagging @thecucumberdog on Instagram using #thecucumberdog. Unfamiliar with our Chief Judgement Officer? Read the Official Lore of Sir Cucumber Dog to understand exactly why this garment exists.
Colonial Translation
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British English: Humour / Cosy / Colours / Centre / Behaviour / Favour
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American English: Humor / Cozy / Colors / Center / Behavior / Favor
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Context: A highly specialised garment designed to ensure your towering cynicism is never questioned again in both domestic and corporate settings across the pond.
Disclaimer: This hoodie runs small. For the perfect fit, we recommend ordering one size larger than your usual size.
Shipping & returns
Shipping
- Cost: Flat rate of $5.99 USD for the USA and $9.99 USD for Canada. Orders over $60.00 USD ship completely FREE.
- Production Lead Time: Every item is custom-crafted to order just for you. Please allow 3 to 5 working days for printing and quality checks before your parcel is handed to the courier.
- Delivery Transit Time (Added to Production): 3 to 5 business days for the USA, and 3 to 6 business days for standard Canadian orders. Expect a total delivery window of 6 to 13 business days.
- Canadian Cross-Border Note: Most Canadian orders are printed in Toronto. However, specialist colourways (such as Bone and Forest Green) ship directly from our US print hubs (taking 6 to 12 business days in transit) and may occasionally be subject to standard Canadian GST/HST upon delivery.
- Split Parcels: Ordering both apparel and a mug? They ship in separate parcels at no extra cost so your ceramic drinkware does not crush your hoodie.
Returns
- All Sales Are Final: Because our gear is printed on demand specifically for you, we strictly do not accept returns, exchanges, or refunds if you change your mind or ignore the Size Guide. Measure twice, buy once.
- Damaged or Faulty Items: If your mug arrives shattered or the pug messed up the print, email woof@cucumberdog.com within 14 days of delivery with your order number and 2 to 3 clear photos of the fault. We will sort a free replacement immediately. No stress, no fuss.
Colonial Translation
- Working days / Parcel: Business days / Package.
- Sort a replacement: Issue a free replacement.
- Change of mind: Buyer's remorse.
Frequently asked questions
Sizing & Fit Guide
Fit Warning: This premium fleece runs snug. Take a moment to measure a hoodie you already own—do not guess your size, unless you actively want to look like a burst sausage. Order one full size up for a standard fit.
Heavyweight Fit Guide
IN / CM| Size | Chest Width | Length |
|---|---|---|
| XS | 19" / 48.3 cm | 26" / 66.0 cm |
| S | 20" / 50.8 cm | 27" / 68.6 cm |
| M | 21" / 53.3 cm | 28" / 71.1 cm |
| L | 23" / 58.4 cm | 29" / 73.7 cm |
| XL | 25" / 63.5 cm | 30" / 76.2 cm |
| 2XL | 26.5" / 67.3 cm | 31" / 78.7 cm |
| 3XL | 28" / 71.1 cm | 32" / 81.3 cm |
| 4XL | 30" / 76.2 cm | 33" / 83.8 cm |
Delivery & Print-on-Demand Policy
very single piece of heavyweight apparel, ceramic drinkware, or sarcastic accessory is custom-printed to order. Because we refuse to warehouse mountains of unsold inventory in a damp shed, our made-to-order approach means production and fulfilment take between 3 to 5 working days.
Please note: Shipping transit time is in addition to production time. Once your freshly printed gear rolls off the line and passes Sir Cucumber Dog's judgement, it is dispatched from our North American print facilities with a live tracking link so you can obsessively stalk its journey to your doorstep.
- Transit Times (Added to Fulfilment): 3 to 5 business days for the USA, and 3 to 6 business days for standard Canadian orders (6 to 12 business days for cross-border colourways). Please allow 6 to 13 business days in total before assuming your parcel has been abducted.
- Shipping Cost: A flat rate of $5.99 USD for the USA and $9.99 USD for Canada.
- Free Shipping: Automatically unlocked at checkout on all orders over $60.00 USD.
- Customs & Import Drama: Zero drama for the USA and standard Canadian orders, which are fulfilled locally inside our US and Toronto hubs. However, certain specialist garment colourways (such as our heavyweight Bone hoodies) are printed at our US facilities and shipped across the border to Canada, meaning they take slightly longer in transit and may occasionally be subject to standard Canadian GST or HST upon delivery.
- Split Parcels: Ordering both apparel and a mug? They will travel in separate parcels at no extra cost so your ceramic drinkware does not smash your hoodie in transit.
- Sizing & Returns: Because every item is custom-made to order specifically for you, we cannot accept returns or exchanges if you order the wrong size. Please check our Size Guide twice before buying. If an item arrives shattered or misprinted, email woof@cucumberdog.com within 14 days of delivery with 2 to 3 clear photos and we will sort a free replacement immediately.
Colonial Translation
- UK: Working days / Fulfilment / Dispatched / Parcel / Colourways / Sort a replacement
- US & Canada: Business days / Fulfillment / Shipped / Package / Color options / Issue a replacement
Care & Wash Instructions
Treat your new goods with the respect they deserve so they outlive your enthusiasm for daily responsibilities.
- Heavyweight Apparel (Hoodies & Tees): Wash inside out on a cool machine wash (30°C / cold) with similar colours. Tumble dry on low or—preferably—air dry whilst horizontal on the sofa. Do not iron directly over the DTF print unless you enjoy ruining things.
- Standard Ceramic Mugs: Entirely dishwasher safe and microwave friendly.