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Cucumber Dog Tall Slim Typography Green Text | White Hoodie
£39.99
Sir Cucumber Dog's Offensiveness Rating
"Stretching our brand name into absurdly tall, ultra-condensed green typography across the back is a masterclass in clean, unbothered minimalism. Highly approved."
- CJO (Chief Judgement Officer)
🚚 Estimated delivery:
Sir Cucumber Dog pays for shipping. UK & US delivery is on us! Each order is fulfilled in the country of order.
The Minimalist Brand Division
Welcome to the minimalist brand division. This premium white hoodie introduces the world to your absolute, uncompromising brand loyalty via a massive back print graphic. While the tall, ultra-condensed typography printed in official Cucumber Green suggests a sophisticated streetwear aesthetic, the sheer vertical scale of "CUCUMBER DOG" completely undermines any expectation of subtle corporate branding. It is the perfect attire for anyone who values clean design and making sure people reading your back from across the room know exactly how much you wish to be left alone.
Technical Specifications
We refuse to print our minimalist branding on inferior garments. This hoodie is built to strict premium specifications using our global network of bespoke print facilities.
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Fabric Construction: 100 per cent cotton face with a 65 per cent ring-spun cotton and 35 per cent polyester blend for maximum warmth.
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Design Features: A structured 3-panel hood and matching flat drawstrings, ensuring you can physically hide from your colleagues in maximum comfort.
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Durability: Constructed with a front pouch pocket for hiding your hands while refusing to participate, and a self-fabric patch on the back to protect your structural integrity.
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Global Fulfillment: Printed and routed locally, meaning faster delivery times whether you are avoiding people in the UK or the USA.
Corporate Compliance
When a colleague attempts to initiate mandatory small talk, turn your back to them to display the towering green typography, maintain unbroken eye contact over your shoulder, and submit the site evidence to our administrative peasantry by tagging @thecucumberdog on Instagram using #thecucumberdog. Unfamiliar with our Chief Judgement Officer? Read the Official Lore of Sir Cucumber Dog to understand exactly why this garment exists.
Colonial Translation
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British English: Humour / Cosy / Colours / Centre / Behaviour / Favour
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American English: Humor / Cozy / Colors / Center / Behavior / Favor
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Context: A highly specialised garment designed to ensure your towering cynicism is never questioned again in both domestic and corporate settings across the pond.
Disclaimer: This hoodie runs small. For the perfect fit, we recommend ordering one size larger than your usual size.
Frequently asked questions
How do I choose the correct size?
Do not guess your size. Our funny slogan t-shirts and premium apparel use standard UK unisex sizing. Please consult the dedicated size guide located on this specific product page before adding the item to your basket. Taking a moment to measure a shirt you already own is the best way to ensure a proper fit and avoid looking like a burst sausage.
How long does delivery take?
Your new apparel or rude accessory is printed specifically for you. This sustainable print on demand process means production takes roughly 2 to 5 business days. Once your item is freshly printed, we will dispatch your order and provide a tracking link. Standard shipping within the UK and the US is completely free.
What is your return policy?
As every single item is a bespoke masterpiece printed to order, we do not accept returns or exchanges for a sudden change of heart or incorrect sizing. However, if your item arrives misprinted, faulty, or damaged by the courier, please contact our support team immediately with a clear photograph so we can resolve the issue.
How do i wash and care for my item?
Treat your new goods with the respect they deserve. Wash our organic cotton t-shirts inside out on a cool wash (30 degrees Celsius) and allow them to air dry to maintain their shape. Standard ceramic mugs are entirely dishwasher safe, but our heat colour changing mugs are delicate divas that must be washed by hand.
What size hoodie am I?
| Size | Chest Width (Inches) | Length (Inches) | Chest Width (cm) | Length (cm) |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| S | 20 | 27 | 50.8 | 68.6 |
| M | 21 | 28 | 53.3 | 71.1 |
| L | 23 | 29 | 58.4 | 73.7 |
| XL | 25 | 30 | 63.5 | 76.2 |
| 2XL | 26 ½ | 31 | 67.3 | 78.7 |
Who is Sir Cucumber Dog?
A gentleman does not typically reveal his secrets, but for you, I will make an exception. I am Sir Cucumber Dog: a plush pug of unparalleled sophistication, permanently squeezed into a bespoke green cucumber print suit. The cucumber monocle is purely for judging your life choices, and the yellow bow tie is because I am not a savage.
As the Chairman of this establishment, I oversee a curated collection of rude and funny designs across mugs, tees, and coasters, all presented in our signature Cucumber green and Cucumber cream. I am the physical embodiment of a lifestyle that prioritises sharp tailoring, strong gin, and an overwhelming disdain for the general public.