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Keeping The Vibe Distressingly Casual | Retro Funny White Hoodie
$77.00
Offensive Rating
3/5 — Dangerously Cheeky
""Weaponising the 1970s psychedelic aesthetic to promote a deeply unbothered, distressingly casual lifestyle is a masterclass in passive defiance. Highly approved.""
— Sir Cucumber Dog, CJO
Fit Warning: Runs snug. Order one size up unless you enjoy looking like a burst sausage.
Printed to order in North America. Free shipping over $60 USD.
The Anti-Professional Attire Division
Welcome to the anti-professional attire division. This premium white hoodie introduces the world to your complete lack of urgency via a massive, psychedelic chest graphic. While the highly stylised, wavy 1970s aesthetic suggests a relaxed retro mindset, the phrase "Keeping the vibe distressingly casual" serves as a direct threat to corporate productivity. Printed entirely in our official Cucumber Green, the artwork features the heavily judging face of Sir Cucumber Dog, complete with his signature bow tie and monocle. We entirely reject standard office decorum in favour of making everyone mildly uncomfortable with your relaxed attitude. It is the perfect garment for casual Fridays, remote video calls, and deliberately lowering the standards of any room you walk into.
Technical Specifications
We absolutely refuse to print our apathetic humour on inferior garments. This hoodie is built to strict premium specifications using our global network of bespoke print facilities.
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Fabric Construction: 100 per cent cotton face with a 65 per cent ring-spun cotton and 35 per cent polyester blend for an exceptionally soft feel and clean finish.
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Design Features: A structured 3-panel hood and matching flat drawstrings, ensuring you can physically retreat from your responsibilities in maximum comfort.
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Durability: Constructed with a front pouch pocket for hiding your hands while refusing to participate, and a self-fabric patch on the back to protect your structural integrity during extended periods of laziness.
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Global Fulfillment: Printed and routed locally, meaning faster delivery times whether you are actively avoiding work in the UK or the USA.
Colonial Translation
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British English: Humour / Cosy / Colours / Centre / Behaviour / Favour
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American English: Humor / Cozy / Colors / Center / Behavior / Favor
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Context: A highly specialised garment designed to ensure your cynical attitude is never questioned again in both domestic and corporate settings across the pond.
Shipping & returns
Shipping
- Cost: Flat rate of $5.99 USD for the USA and $9.99 USD for Canada. Orders over $60.00 USD ship completely FREE.
- Production Lead Time: Every item is custom-crafted to order just for you. Please allow 3 to 5 working days for printing and quality checks before your parcel is handed to the courier.
- Delivery Transit Time (Added to Production): 3 to 5 business days for the USA, and 3 to 6 business days for standard Canadian orders. Expect a total delivery window of 6 to 13 business days.
- Canadian Cross-Border Note: Most Canadian orders are printed in Toronto. However, specialist colourways (such as Bone and Forest Green) ship directly from our US print hubs (taking 6 to 12 business days in transit) and may occasionally be subject to standard Canadian GST/HST upon delivery.
- Split Parcels: Ordering both apparel and a mug? They ship in separate parcels at no extra cost so your ceramic drinkware does not crush your hoodie.
Returns
- All Sales Are Final: Because our gear is printed on demand specifically for you, we strictly do not accept returns, exchanges, or refunds if you change your mind or ignore the Size Guide. Measure twice, buy once.
- Damaged or Faulty Items: If your mug arrives shattered or the pug messed up the print, email woof@cucumberdog.com within 14 days of delivery with your order number and 2 to 3 clear photos of the fault. We will sort a free replacement immediately. No stress, no fuss.
Colonial Translation
- Working days / Parcel: Business days / Package.
- Sort a replacement: Issue a free replacement.
- Change of mind: Buyer's remorse.
Frequently asked questions
Sizing & Fit Guide
Fit Warning: This premium fleece runs snug. Take a moment to measure a hoodie you already own—do not guess your size, unless you actively want to look like a burst sausage. Order one full size up for a standard fit.
Heavyweight Fit Guide
IN / CM| Size | Chest Width | Length |
|---|---|---|
| XS | 19" / 48.3 cm | 26" / 66.0 cm |
| S | 20" / 50.8 cm | 27" / 68.6 cm |
| M | 21" / 53.3 cm | 28" / 71.1 cm |
| L | 23" / 58.4 cm | 29" / 73.7 cm |
| XL | 25" / 63.5 cm | 30" / 76.2 cm |
| 2XL | 26.5" / 67.3 cm | 31" / 78.7 cm |
| 3XL | 28" / 71.1 cm | 32" / 81.3 cm |
| 4XL | 30" / 76.2 cm | 33" / 83.8 cm |
Delivery & Print-on-Demand Policy
very single piece of heavyweight apparel, ceramic drinkware, or sarcastic accessory is custom-printed to order. Because we refuse to warehouse mountains of unsold inventory in a damp shed, our made-to-order approach means production and fulfilment take between 3 to 5 working days.
Please note: Shipping transit time is in addition to production time. Once your freshly printed gear rolls off the line and passes Sir Cucumber Dog's judgement, it is dispatched from our North American print facilities with a live tracking link so you can obsessively stalk its journey to your doorstep.
- Transit Times (Added to Fulfilment): 3 to 5 business days for the USA, and 3 to 6 business days for standard Canadian orders (6 to 12 business days for cross-border colourways). Please allow 6 to 13 business days in total before assuming your parcel has been abducted.
- Shipping Cost: A flat rate of $5.99 USD for the USA and $9.99 USD for Canada.
- Free Shipping: Automatically unlocked at checkout on all orders over $60.00 USD.
- Customs & Import Drama: Zero drama for the USA and standard Canadian orders, which are fulfilled locally inside our US and Toronto hubs. However, certain specialist garment colourways (such as our heavyweight Bone hoodies) are printed at our US facilities and shipped across the border to Canada, meaning they take slightly longer in transit and may occasionally be subject to standard Canadian GST or HST upon delivery.
- Split Parcels: Ordering both apparel and a mug? They will travel in separate parcels at no extra cost so your ceramic drinkware does not smash your hoodie in transit.
- Sizing & Returns: Because every item is custom-made to order specifically for you, we cannot accept returns or exchanges if you order the wrong size. Please check our Size Guide twice before buying. If an item arrives shattered or misprinted, email woof@cucumberdog.com within 14 days of delivery with 2 to 3 clear photos and we will sort a free replacement immediately.
Colonial Translation
- UK: Working days / Fulfilment / Dispatched / Parcel / Colourways / Sort a replacement
- US & Canada: Business days / Fulfillment / Shipped / Package / Color options / Issue a replacement
Care & Wash Instructions
Treat your new goods with the respect they deserve so they outlive your enthusiasm for daily responsibilities.
- Heavyweight Apparel (Hoodies & Tees): Wash inside out on a cool machine wash (30°C / cold) with similar colours. Tumble dry on low or—preferably—air dry whilst horizontal on the sofa. Do not iron directly over the DTF print unless you enjoy ruining things.
- Standard Ceramic Mugs: Entirely dishwasher safe and microwave friendly.