FRESH OFF THE PRESS

Behold! The freshest bounty from the comedy patch, personally inspected by Sir Cucumber Dog himself. This is the only place to find our brand-spanking-new designs—crisp, cool, and guaranteed to be delightfully inappropriate. Don't miss out on the latest gear: grab our newest novelty mugs, fresh funny tees, latest humorous coasters, and the newest rude indoor mats before they go stale. This is the best collection of funny merchandise and novelty gifts guaranteed to provide shock and laughter.

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Frequently asked questions
What is the return policy?

 Let me be absolutely clear. As each item is a bespoke masterpiece printed specifically for you, we do not accept returns for a sudden change of mind. Your fleeting whims are your own affair. This isn't some high-street chain where you can return things willy-nilly. This is art. Commitment is required.

However, if your item arrives looking like it's wrestled a badger (i.e., is damaged or faulty), then that is simply unacceptable. In the unlikely event of such a catastrophe, please contact our support minions immediately with a photograph of the disaster. We shall move heaven and earth to ensure you receive the perfection you paid for.
Are any purchases final sale?

We are unable to accept returns on certain items. These will be carefully marked before purchase.
When will I get my order?

Patience is a virtue, one I can see you do not possess. You'll receive a shipping confirmation email once your freshly printed parcel of joy is on its way. Check that before bothering us. We have listed the estimated times over on the delivery times page.
How do I care for my products

We've done the funny bit; now you need to do the responsible bit. Treat these items properly, or Sir Cucumber Dog will be sorely disappointed in you.

Mugs (The Sipping Vessels)

  • Standard Mugs: Good news! These are certified high-quality. You can shove them in the dishwasher and microwave without guilt. Just don't let your mate steal it.
  • Heat Colour Changing Mugs: Listen up, these are divas. HAND WASH THEM ONLY. Putting this mug in the microwave or dishwasher is a direct insult to the magic inside. You'll ruin it. Don't do it.

Wearables (The Shame Shields)

  • Cotton T-shirts: You've got crude taste, so you deserve a quality tee. Turn it inside out (like you're ashamed of the print) and wash it at a cool 30°C. Tumble drying is for amateurs; hang it up to air dry.

Home & Floor Mats (The Dirt Catchers)

  • Indoor Doormats: This is the first thing people see, so don't let it look minging. Hoover it regularly and spot clean any egregious filth. If you put this in a washing machine, it's curtains for the mat and your machine.
  • Bath Mats: Yes, you can machine wash this (cold water, please). But please, hang it up to air dry. Tumble drying a bath mat is how you get a wonky, lumpy disaster. Don't be that person.
  • Pet Bowl Mats: Sir Cucumber Dog would expect better manners from your pet. Simply wipe up the spills with a cloth. It's meant to protect the floor, not endure an industrial cleaning cycle.

Coasters (The Surface Saviours)

It’s a coaster, not a lifeboat. Simply wipe it clean if you spill your tea. Submerging it in water is overkill, and the dishwasher will annihilate it.
I have a different, less stupid question?

Head over to our contact us page and send us your questions!
How much does shipping cost?

If you are unlucky enough to be living in the uk then we will ship you wonderful little order for nothing, ziltch, nada, zero free... why? because we know you tight lot don't want to!