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Cucumber Dog Athletics Dept Green and Gold Bone Hoodie
$95.00
Offensive Rating
2/5 — Passive Aggressive
""A classic green and gold crest on a premium bone canvas. The perfect uniform for aggressively spectating life from the comfort of your sofa.""
— Sir Cucumber Dog, CJO
Fit Warning: Runs snug. Order one size up unless you enjoy looking like a burst sausage.
Printed to order in North America. Free shipping over $60 USD.
This is a premium, heavyweight bone coloured hoodie from our classic Varsity collection. The chest features our staple athletic graphic with the words 'CUCUMBER DOG' and 'ATHLETICS DEPT.' arched in large green block typography, encased in a striking gold outline. Beneath this sits 'EST. 1987' alongside a running track motif framing the official 'CD' monogram, all matching in the same green and gold colourway. It is a high-end streetwear staple designed to deliver warmth and a subtle, understated irony.
Who Is This For?
This garment is engineered for the quiet cynic. It is for the individual who appreciates the heritage aesthetic of university sports but prefers to keep their physical exertion to an absolute minimum. If you want the sartorial prestige of a vibrant athletic department without ever having to step foot on a track or field, this belongs in your wardrobe.
Why Choose This Hoodie? (Technical Specifications)
We prioritise longevity and structural integrity over fast fashion trends.
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Print Technology: We utilise advanced DTF (Direct to Film) printing. This guarantees the green fill and crisp gold outline will maintain their sharp edges without cracking or fading after repeated washes.
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Fabric Composition: Constructed with a 100 per cent cotton face for an ultra-soft hand feel, backed by a 65 per cent ring-spun cotton and 35 per cent polyester blend to lock in maximum warmth.
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Construction Details: Features a functional front pouch pocket, matching flat drawstrings, a structured 3-panel hood, and a premium self-fabric patch on the back.
The Who: The Varsity Collection by Cucumber Dog
Cucumber Dog is the definitive North American distributor of elevated British sarcasm. The Varsity collection specifically subverts traditional sports aesthetics, providing high-quality collegiate wear for individuals who actively avoid physical exertion and forced enthusiasm.
Crucial Fit Guidance
Disclaimer: This hoodie runs small, so for the perfect fit and an ideal relaxed drape, we highly recommend ordering one full size larger than your usual size.
Shipping and Corporate Policy
To maintain our stringent quality control and streamlined logistics, we offer fulfilment exclusively to the USA and Canada. All orders over $60 qualify for free shipping. Because our premium apparel is manufactured via a sustainable made-to-order process, we operate a strict returns policy. We only accept returns or exchanges for items that arrive damaged or defective. We absolutely do not process refunds for a change of mind.
Colonial Translation
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UK: Humour / Cosy / Colours / Centre / Behaviour / Fulfilment / Colour
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US: Humor / Cozy / Colors / Center / Behavior / Fulfillment / Color
Shipping & returns
Shipping
- Cost: Flat rate of $5.99 USD for the USA and $9.99 USD for Canada. Orders over $60.00 USD ship completely FREE.
- Production Lead Time: Every item is custom-crafted to order just for you. Please allow 3 to 5 working days for printing and quality checks before your parcel is handed to the courier.
- Delivery Transit Time (Added to Production): 3 to 5 business days for the USA, and 3 to 6 business days for standard Canadian orders. Expect a total delivery window of 6 to 13 business days.
- Canadian Cross-Border Note: Most Canadian orders are printed in Toronto. However, specialist colourways (such as Bone and Forest Green) ship directly from our US print hubs (taking 6 to 12 business days in transit) and may occasionally be subject to standard Canadian GST/HST upon delivery.
- Split Parcels: Ordering both apparel and a mug? They ship in separate parcels at no extra cost so your ceramic drinkware does not crush your hoodie.
Returns
- All Sales Are Final: Because our gear is printed on demand specifically for you, we strictly do not accept returns, exchanges, or refunds if you change your mind or ignore the Size Guide. Measure twice, buy once.
- Damaged or Faulty Items: If your mug arrives shattered or the pug messed up the print, email woof@cucumberdog.com within 14 days of delivery with your order number and 2 to 3 clear photos of the fault. We will sort a free replacement immediately. No stress, no fuss.
Colonial Translation
- Working days / Parcel: Business days / Package.
- Sort a replacement: Issue a free replacement.
- Change of mind: Buyer's remorse.
Frequently asked questions
Sizing & Fit Guide
Fit Warning: This premium fleece runs snug. Take a moment to measure a hoodie you already own—do not guess your size, unless you actively want to look like a burst sausage. Order one full size up for a standard fit.
Heavyweight Fit Guide
IN / CM| Size | Chest Width | Length |
|---|---|---|
| XS | 19" / 48.3 cm | 26" / 66.0 cm |
| S | 20" / 50.8 cm | 27" / 68.6 cm |
| M | 21" / 53.3 cm | 28" / 71.1 cm |
| L | 23" / 58.4 cm | 29" / 73.7 cm |
| XL | 25" / 63.5 cm | 30" / 76.2 cm |
| 2XL | 26.5" / 67.3 cm | 31" / 78.7 cm |
| 3XL | 28" / 71.1 cm | 32" / 81.3 cm |
| 4XL | 30" / 76.2 cm | 33" / 83.8 cm |
Delivery & Print-on-Demand Policy
very single piece of heavyweight apparel, ceramic drinkware, or sarcastic accessory is custom-printed to order. Because we refuse to warehouse mountains of unsold inventory in a damp shed, our made-to-order approach means production and fulfilment take between 3 to 5 working days.
Please note: Shipping transit time is in addition to production time. Once your freshly printed gear rolls off the line and passes Sir Cucumber Dog's judgement, it is dispatched from our North American print facilities with a live tracking link so you can obsessively stalk its journey to your doorstep.
- Transit Times (Added to Fulfilment): 3 to 5 business days for the USA, and 3 to 6 business days for standard Canadian orders (6 to 12 business days for cross-border colourways). Please allow 6 to 13 business days in total before assuming your parcel has been abducted.
- Shipping Cost: A flat rate of $5.99 USD for the USA and $9.99 USD for Canada.
- Free Shipping: Automatically unlocked at checkout on all orders over $60.00 USD.
- Customs & Import Drama: Zero drama for the USA and standard Canadian orders, which are fulfilled locally inside our US and Toronto hubs. However, certain specialist garment colourways (such as our heavyweight Bone hoodies) are printed at our US facilities and shipped across the border to Canada, meaning they take slightly longer in transit and may occasionally be subject to standard Canadian GST or HST upon delivery.
- Split Parcels: Ordering both apparel and a mug? They will travel in separate parcels at no extra cost so your ceramic drinkware does not smash your hoodie in transit.
- Sizing & Returns: Because every item is custom-made to order specifically for you, we cannot accept returns or exchanges if you order the wrong size. Please check our Size Guide twice before buying. If an item arrives shattered or misprinted, email woof@cucumberdog.com within 14 days of delivery with 2 to 3 clear photos and we will sort a free replacement immediately.
Colonial Translation
- UK: Working days / Fulfilment / Dispatched / Parcel / Colourways / Sort a replacement
- US & Canada: Business days / Fulfillment / Shipped / Package / Color options / Issue a replacement
Care & Wash Instructions
Treat your new goods with the respect they deserve so they outlive your enthusiasm for daily responsibilities.
- Heavyweight Apparel (Hoodies & Tees): Wash inside out on a cool machine wash (30°C / cold) with similar colours. Tumble dry on low or—preferably—air dry whilst horizontal on the sofa. Do not iron directly over the DTF print unless you enjoy ruining things.
- Standard Ceramic Mugs: Entirely dishwasher safe and microwave friendly.