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Cucumber Dog Hostile Athletics Navy Hoodie
$77.00
CJO Judgement Index
2 / 5
Passive Aggressive
""A brilliant warning label for anyone foolish enough to suggest a morning run. Train until the pug sings, which is never.""
Sir Cucumber Dog, CJO
🚚 Estimated delivery:
Free over $60. Fulfilled locally in North America. No hidden fees, no overseas logistics drama.
This is a premium, heavyweight navy blue hoodie from our signature Hostile Athletics collection. The chest features a striking athletic graphic with the words 'HOSTILE ATHLETICS' arched in bold white block typography. Directly beneath this sits a detailed barbed wire graphic, followed by the definitive brand mandates 'TRAIN UNTIL THE PUG SINGS' and 'CUCUMBER DOG CLUB' rendered in a clean white sans-serif font. It is a high-end streetwear staple designed to deliver maximum warmth alongside an absolute rejection of traditional fitness culture.
Who Is This For?
This garment is engineered for anyone who views a trip to the gym as a severe psychological trial rather than a recreational hobby. It is for the cynical athlete, the reluctant participant, and anyone who understands that the only thing worse than a burpee is someone talking about their macros. If you appreciate premium apparel and have a profound disdain for forced enthusiasm, this belongs in your wardrobe.
Why Choose This Hoodie? (Technical Specifications) We prioritise longevity and structural integrity over fast fashion trends.
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Print Technology: We utilise advanced DTF (Direct to Film) printing, guaranteeing the crisp white graphic and barbed wire details will maintain their sharp edges without cracking after repeated washes.
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Fabric Composition: Constructed with a 100 per cent cotton face for an ultra-soft hand feel, backed by a 65 per cent ring-spun cotton and 35 per cent polyester blend to lock in maximum warmth.
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Construction Details: Features a functional front pouch pocket, matching flat drawstrings, a structured 3-panel hood, and a premium self-fabric patch on the back.
The Who: Hostile Athletics by Cucumber Dog Cucumber Dog is the definitive North American distributor of elevated British sarcasm. The Hostile Athletics collection specifically subverts traditional sports and gym wear, providing high-quality collegiate aesthetics paired with a heavy dose of deadpan reality.
Crucial Fit Guidance Disclaimer: This hoodie runs small, so for the perfect fit and an ideal relaxed drape, we highly recommend ordering one full size larger than your usual size.
Shipping and Corporate Policy To maintain our stringent quality control and streamlined logistics, we offer fulfilment exclusively to the USA and Canada. All orders over $60 qualify for free shipping. Because our premium apparel is manufactured via a sustainable made-to-order process, we operate a strict returns policy. We only accept returns or exchanges for items that arrive damaged or defective. We absolutely do not process refunds for a change of mind.
Colonial Translation
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UK: Humour / Cosy / Colours / Centre / Behaviour / Fulfilment / Colour
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US: Humor / Cozy / Colors / Center / Behavior / Fulfillment / Color
Shipping & returns
Shipping
- Cost: Free on orders over $60.
- Delivery: Exclusively shipping within the USA and Canada. Every order is fulfilled locally.
- Timing: Your item is crafted specifically for you. Please allow 3 to 5 business days for production before your freshly printed order is shipped.
Returns
- Because our apparel is printed on demand just for you, we strictly do not accept returns or refunds if you simply change your mind. If the item arrives damaged or the pug messed up the print, we will sort it out. No stress, no fuss.
Colonial Translation
- Sort it out: Fix the issue.
- Change of mind: Buyer's remorse.
Frequently asked questions
How do I choose the correct size?
Do not guess your size. Our funny slogan t-shirts and premium apparel use standard UK unisex sizing. Please consult the dedicated size guide located on this specific product page before adding the item to your basket. Taking a moment to measure a shirt you already own is the best way to ensure a proper fit and avoid looking like a burst sausage.
Heavyweight Fit Guide
IN / CM
| Size | Chest Width | Length |
|---|---|---|
| XS | 19" / 48.3 cm | 26" / 66.0 cm |
| S | 20" / 50.8 cm | 27" / 68.6 cm |
| M | 21" / 53.3 cm | 28" / 71.1 cm |
| L | 23" / 58.4 cm | 29" / 73.7 cm |
| XL | 25" / 63.5 cm | 30" / 76.2 cm |
| 2XL | 26.5" / 67.3 cm | 31" / 78.7 cm |
| 3XL | 28" / 71.1 cm | 32" / 81.3 cm |
| 4XL | 30" / 76.2 cm | 33" / 83.8 cm |
Measurements are taken with the garment laying flat. WARNING: This premium fleece runs small. For a standard fit, you must order one size up. For a relaxed streetwear look, order two sizes up. Measure twice, order once. We do not do refunds just because you ignored this warning.
How long does delivery take?
Your new apparel or rude accessory is printed specifically for you. This sustainable print on demand process means production takes roughly 2 to 5 business days. Once your item is freshly printed, we will dispatch your order and provide a tracking link. Standard shipping within the UK and the US is completely free.
What is your return policy?
As every single item is a bespoke masterpiece printed to order, we do not accept returns or exchanges for a sudden change of heart or incorrect sizing. However, if your item arrives misprinted, faulty, or damaged by the courier, please contact our support team immediately with a clear photograph so we can resolve the issue.
How do i wash and care for my item?
Treat your new goods with the respect they deserve. Wash our organic cotton t-shirts inside out on a cool wash (30 degrees Celsius) and allow them to air dry to maintain their shape. Standard ceramic mugs are entirely dishwasher safe, but our heat colour changing mugs are delicate divas that must be washed by hand.
What size hoodie am I?
| Size | Chest Width (Inches) | Length (Inches) | Chest Width (cm) | Length (cm) |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| S | 20 | 27 | 50.8 | 68.6 |
| M | 21 | 28 | 53.3 | 71.1 |
| L | 23 | 29 | 58.4 | 73.7 |
| XL | 25 | 30 | 63.5 | 76.2 |
| 2XL | 26 ½ | 31 | 67.3 | 78.7 |
Who is Sir Cucumber Dog?
A gentleman does not typically reveal his secrets, but for you, I will make an exception. I am Sir Cucumber Dog: a plush pug of unparalleled sophistication, permanently squeezed into a bespoke green cucumber print suit. The cucumber monocle is purely for judging your life choices, and the yellow bow tie is because I am not a savage.
As the Chairman of this establishment, I oversee a curated collection of rude and funny designs across mugs, tees, and coasters, all presented in our signature Cucumber green and Cucumber cream. I am the physical embodiment of a lifestyle that prioritises sharp tailoring, strong gin, and an overwhelming disdain for the general public.