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The Existential Stork | Sarcastic Birthday T-Shirt & Retro Humour
We make things that work better and last longer. Our products solve real problems with clean design and honest materials.
£23.00
Sale price
£23.00
Regular price
Sir Cucumber Dog's Offensiveness Rating
"A highly accurate garment. I also do not remember consenting to this existence, nor do I appreciate being expected to celebrate it annually. A solid deployment of biological realism."
- CJO (Chief Judgement Officer)
🚚 Estimated delivery:
The boss has graciously absorbed the shipping fees. Delivery across the UK and the US is entirely on the house. To spare everyone the absolute misery of international customs, all orders are strictly fulfilled within your respective borders.
The Nihilist Apparel Hub Featuring a heavily apathetic, retro stork paired with the highly factual statement "I don't remember being born but it happened." Formally endorsed by Sir Cucumber Dog, who also resents being brought into existence without prior written consultation. This specific garment targets the highly lucrative sarcastic birthday gifting vector and the broader retro aesthetic market. We entirely reject celebratory balloons and forced positivity in favour of blunt biological realism.
Targeted Gifting Solutions We provide logistical solutions for mandatory annual celebrations. This offensive t-shirt serves as the perfect low budget, high impact gift for a cynical sibling, an ungrateful offspring, or a deeply exhausted coworker who absolutely despises their birthday.
Premium Organic Manufacturing We absolutely refuse to print our corporate apathy on inferior materials. This garment is built to strict premium specifications, ensuring your existential crisis is displayed on the highest quality canvas.
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Organic Construction: Crafted from 100% organic ring spun combed cotton. Exceptionally soft and entirely free from agricultural peasantry.
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Retro Visual Contrast: High resolution direct to garment printing ensures the muted, 1970s colour palette and vintage typography pop perfectly against the crisp white fabric.
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Lightweight Armour: The 155 g/m² single jersey fabric provides a breathable but highly durable layer of protection against forced small talk.
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Mandatory Transparency Clause: Management accepts zero liability for your undergarment choices. This lightweight fabric is inherently sheer to maximise breathability. Lighter colours will become semi transparent under direct lighting. Please deploy adequate base layers unless you are intentionally seeking an HR violation.
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Corporate Compliance: When you inevitably wear this to a family function to ruin the mood, document your misery and tag @thecucumberdog on Instagram using #thecucumberdog.
Size guide
| LENGTH (inches) | WIDTH (inches) | CHEST (inches) | |
| XS | 27 | 16 ½ | 31-34 |
| S | 28 | 18 | 34-37 |
| M | 29 | 20 | 38-41 |
| L | 30 | 22 | 42-45 |
| XL | 31 | 24 | 46-49 |
| 2XL | 32 | 26 | 50-53 |
| 3XL | 33 | 28 | 54-57 |
| 4XL | 34 | 30 | 58-61 |
| LENGTH (cm) | WIDTH (cm) | CHEST (cm) | |
| XS | 68.6 | 42 | 78.7-86.4 |
| S | 71.1 | 45.7 | 86.4-94 |
| M | 73.7 | 50.8 | 96.5-104.1 |
| L | 76.2 | 55.9 | 106.7-114.3 |
| XL | 78.7 | 61 | 116.8-124.5 |
| 2XL | 81.3 | 66 | 127-134.6 |
| 3XL | 83.8 | 71.1 | 137.2-144.8 |
| 4XL | 86.4 | 76.2 | 147.3-155 |
Shipping & Returns
Sir Cucumber Dog pays for delivery.
- Cost: £0.00. Every order ships FREE within the UK & USA.
- Timing: Your item is crafted specifically for you. Please allow 3-5 business days for production before it departs our green-lit HQ.
- Returns: If it arrives damaged or the pug messed up the print, we’ll sort it. No stress, no fuss.
Frequently asked questions
How do I choose the correct size?
Do not guess your size. Our funny slogan t-shirts and premium apparel use standard UK unisex sizing. Please consult the dedicated size guide located on this specific product page before adding the item to your basket. Taking a moment to measure a shirt you already own is the best way to ensure a proper fit and avoid looking like a burst sausage.
How long does delivery take?
We are unable to accept returns on certain items. These will be carefully marked before purchase.
When will I get my order?
Your new apparel or rude accessory is printed specifically for you. This sustainable print on demand process means production takes roughly 2 to 5 business days. Once your item is freshly printed, we will dispatch your order and provide a tracking link. Standard shipping within the UK and the US is completely free.
What is your return policy?
As every single item is a bespoke masterpiece printed to order, we do not accept returns or exchanges for a sudden change of heart or incorrect sizing. However, if your item arrives misprinted, faulty, or damaged by the courier, please contact our support team immediately with a clear photograph so we can resolve the issue.
How do I wash and care for this item?
Treat your new goods with the respect they deserve. Wash our organic cotton t-shirts inside out on a cool wash (30 degrees Celsius) and allow them to air dry to maintain their shape. Standard ceramic mugs are entirely dishwasher safe, but our heat colour changing mugs are delicate divas that must be washed by hand.
Who is Sir Cucumber Dog?
A gentleman does not typically reveal his secrets, but for you, I will make an exception. I am Sir Cucumber Dog: a plush pug of unparalleled sophistication, permanently squeezed into a bespoke green cucumber print suit. The cucumber monocle is purely for judging your life choices, and the yellow bow tie is because I am not a savage.
As the Chairman of this establishment, I oversee a curated collection of rude and funny designs across mugs, tees, and coasters, all presented in our signature Cucumber green and Cucumber cream. I am the physical embodiment of a lifestyle that prioritises sharp tailoring, strong gin, and an overwhelming disdain for the general public.