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The Existential Stork | Sarcastic Birthday T-Shirt & Retro Humour
£21.99
Sir Cucumber Dog's Offensiveness Rating
"A highly accurate garment. I also do not remember consenting to this existence, nor do I appreciate being expected to celebrate it annually. A solid deployment of biological realism."
- CJO (Chief Judgement Officer)
🚚 Estimated delivery:
Sir Cucumber Dog pays for shipping. UK & US delivery is on us! Each order is fulfilled in the country of order.
The Nihilist Apparel Hub Featuring a heavily apathetic, retro stork paired with the highly factual statement "I don't remember being born but it happened." Formally endorsed by Sir Cucumber Dog, who also resents being brought into existence without prior written consultation. This specific garment targets the highly lucrative sarcastic birthday gifting vector and the broader retro aesthetic market. We entirely reject celebratory balloons and forced positivity in favour of blunt biological realism.
Targeted Gifting Solutions We provide logistical solutions for mandatory annual celebrations. This offensive t-shirt serves as the perfect low budget, high impact gift for a cynical sibling, an ungrateful offspring, or a deeply exhausted coworker who absolutely despises their birthday.
Premium Organic Manufacturing We absolutely refuse to print our corporate apathy on inferior materials. This garment is built to strict premium specifications, ensuring your existential crisis is displayed on the highest quality canvas.
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Organic Construction: Crafted from 100% organic ring spun combed cotton. Exceptionally soft and entirely free from agricultural peasantry.
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Retro Visual Contrast: High resolution direct to garment printing ensures the muted, 1970s colour palette and vintage typography pop perfectly against the crisp white fabric.
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Lightweight Armour: The 155 g/m² single jersey fabric provides a breathable but highly durable layer of protection against forced small talk.
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Mandatory Transparency Clause: Management accepts zero liability for your undergarment choices. This lightweight fabric is inherently sheer to maximise breathability. Lighter colours will become semi transparent under direct lighting. Please deploy adequate base layers unless you are intentionally seeking an HR violation.
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Corporate Compliance: When you inevitably wear this to a family function to ruin the mood, document your misery and tag @thecucumberdog on Instagram using #thecucumberdog.
Delivery & Returns
very product is custom manufactured to order. This prevents mass-production landfill waste and ensures your item is freshly printed just for you. Because of this dedicated process, it takes a few extra days to arrive.
- 🚚 FREE Shipping to the UK & USA on all orders.
- UK Estimated Delivery: 5 to 9 calendar days.
- USA Estimated Delivery: 6 to 10 calendar days.
Returns: If your item arrives misprinted, damaged, or defective, contact us within 30 days and we will replace it immediately. Please check the size guide carefully before ordering; because everything is custom made, we do not accept returns for buyer's remorse.
When will I receive my order?
We source high-grade materials and use industry-leading, eco-friendly printing technology to ensure the cynical text stays crisp.
- Apparel Care: Machine wash cold, inside-out, on a gentle cycle with mild detergent. Tumble dry on low or, ideally, hang dry. Do not iron directly over the printed graphic.
What's my size?
Size Guide +
| Size | Length (in / cm) |
Width (in / cm) |
Chest (in / cm) |
| XS | 27 / 68.6 | 16 ½ / 42 | 31-34 / 78.7-86.4 |
| S | 28 / 71.1 | 18 / 45.7 | 34-37 / 86.4-94 |
| M | 29 / 73.7 | 20 / 50.8 | 38-41 / 96.5-104.1 |
| L | 30 / 76.2 | 22 / 55.9 | 42-45 / 106.7-114.3 |
| XL | 31 / 78.7 | 24 / 61 | 46-49 / 116.8-124.5 |
| 2XL | 32 / 81.3 | 26 / 66 | 50-53 / 127-134.6 |
| 3XL | 33 / 83.8 | 28 / 71.1 | 54-57 / 137.2-144.8 |
| 4XL | 34 / 86.4 | 30 / 76.2 | 58-61 / 147.3-155 |