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Hoof Hearted Private Investigation Co White Hoodie
$77.00
CJO Judgement Index
4 / 5
Blatantly Disrespectful
""A sophisticated retro detective masquerading as a primary school flatulence joke. Highbrow artwork for the lowest common denominator.""
Sir Cucumber Dog, CJO
🚚 Estimated delivery:
Free over $60. Fulfilled locally in North America. No hidden fees, no overseas logistics drama.
Make a statement without saying a word. Part of the exclusive Deadpan Industries collection, this premium white hoodie features a sprawling vintage noir graphic prominently displayed across the back. The design showcases a classic detective in a brown trench coat and fedora, cigarette in hand, situated beneath the arched green text 'HOOF HEARTED'. Below the character, a structured green banner reads 'PRIVATE INVESTIGATION CO.' followed by the cursive tagline 'Leaving the competition completely gasping for air'. The official Cucumberdog.com web address anchors the bottom of the print.
Applied using advanced DTF (Direct to Film) printing technology, the graphic delivers exceptional durability, crisp edges, and vibrant colour that will survive endless cycles in the washing machine. It is the ultimate layer for claiming an athletic victory over your task list while entirely refusing to leave the sofa.
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Material Construction: Crafted with a 100 per cent cotton face and a 65 per cent ring-spun cotton, 35 per cent polyester blend for maximum warmth.
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Design Specifications: Features a bold back print, a front pouch pocket, matching flat drawstrings, a structured 3-panel hood, and a premium finish.
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Shipping and Corporate Policy: We currently offer fulfilment exclusively to the USA and Canada to streamline our operations, and we provide free shipping on all orders over $60. As our apparel is manufactured using a print on demand process, we strictly limit returns and exchanges to damaged or defective items. We absolutely do not accept returns for a change of mind. Please consult the size chart carefully before placing your order.
Colonial Translation
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UK: Humour / Cosy / Colours / Centre / Behaviour / Fulfilment / Colour
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US: Humor / Cozy / Colors / Center / Behavior / Fulfillment / Color
Disclaimer: This hoodie runs small. For the perfect fit, we recommend ordering one size larger than your usual size.
Shipping & returns
Shipping
- Cost: Free on orders over $60.
- Delivery: Exclusively shipping within the USA and Canada. Every order is fulfilled locally.
- Timing: Your item is crafted specifically for you. Please allow 3 to 5 business days for production before your freshly printed order is shipped.
Returns
- Because our apparel is printed on demand just for you, we strictly do not accept returns or refunds if you simply change your mind. If the item arrives damaged or the pug messed up the print, we will sort it out. No stress, no fuss.
Colonial Translation
- Sort it out: Fix the issue.
- Change of mind: Buyer's remorse.
Frequently asked questions
How do I choose the correct size?
Do not guess your size. Our funny slogan t-shirts and premium apparel use standard UK unisex sizing. Please consult the dedicated size guide located on this specific product page before adding the item to your basket. Taking a moment to measure a shirt you already own is the best way to ensure a proper fit and avoid looking like a burst sausage.
Heavyweight Fit Guide
IN / CM
| Size | Chest Width | Length |
|---|---|---|
| XS | 19" / 48.3 cm | 26" / 66.0 cm |
| S | 20" / 50.8 cm | 27" / 68.6 cm |
| M | 21" / 53.3 cm | 28" / 71.1 cm |
| L | 23" / 58.4 cm | 29" / 73.7 cm |
| XL | 25" / 63.5 cm | 30" / 76.2 cm |
| 2XL | 26.5" / 67.3 cm | 31" / 78.7 cm |
| 3XL | 28" / 71.1 cm | 32" / 81.3 cm |
| 4XL | 30" / 76.2 cm | 33" / 83.8 cm |
Measurements are taken with the garment laying flat. WARNING: This premium fleece runs small. For a standard fit, you must order one size up. For a relaxed streetwear look, order two sizes up. Measure twice, order once. We do not do refunds just because you ignored this warning.
How long does delivery take?
Your new apparel or rude accessory is printed specifically for you. This sustainable print on demand process means production takes roughly 2 to 5 business days. Once your item is freshly printed, we will dispatch your order and provide a tracking link. Standard shipping within the UK and the US is completely free.
What is your return policy?
As every single item is a bespoke masterpiece printed to order, we do not accept returns or exchanges for a sudden change of heart or incorrect sizing. However, if your item arrives misprinted, faulty, or damaged by the courier, please contact our support team immediately with a clear photograph so we can resolve the issue.
How do i wash and care for my item?
Treat your new goods with the respect they deserve. Wash our organic cotton t-shirts inside out on a cool wash (30 degrees Celsius) and allow them to air dry to maintain their shape. Standard ceramic mugs are entirely dishwasher safe, but our heat colour changing mugs are delicate divas that must be washed by hand.
What size hoodie am I?
| Size | Chest Width (Inches) | Length (Inches) | Chest Width (cm) | Length (cm) |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| S | 20 | 27 | 50.8 | 68.6 |
| M | 21 | 28 | 53.3 | 71.1 |
| L | 23 | 29 | 58.4 | 73.7 |
| XL | 25 | 30 | 63.5 | 76.2 |
| 2XL | 26 ½ | 31 | 67.3 | 78.7 |
Who is Sir Cucumber Dog?
A gentleman does not typically reveal his secrets, but for you, I will make an exception. I am Sir Cucumber Dog: a plush pug of unparalleled sophistication, permanently squeezed into a bespoke green cucumber print suit. The cucumber monocle is purely for judging your life choices, and the yellow bow tie is because I am not a savage.
As the Chairman of this establishment, I oversee a curated collection of rude and funny designs across mugs, tees, and coasters, all presented in our signature Cucumber green and Cucumber cream. I am the physical embodiment of a lifestyle that prioritises sharp tailoring, strong gin, and an overwhelming disdain for the general public.