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Matching My Pace | Funny Sarcastic Anti Social T-Shirt (Back Print)
We make things that work better and last longer. Our products solve real problems with clean design and honest materials.
£23.00
Sale price
£23.00
Regular price
Sir Cucumber Dog's Offensiveness Rating
"An essential tool for pedestrian dominance. If you are close enough to read this on my back, you are close enough to be considered a threat. Alter your stride immediately or suffer the consequences."
- CJO (Chief Judgement Officer)
🚚 Estimated delivery:
The boss has graciously absorbed the shipping fees. Delivery across the UK and the US is entirely on the house. To spare everyone the absolute misery of international customs, all orders are strictly fulfilled within your respective borders.
The Spatial Awareness Hub This garment targets the highly lucrative anti social and urban commuter sectors. We entirely reject the concept of shared public walkways in favour of strictly enforced personal bubbles. The "Warning: You Are Currently Matching My Exact Walking Pace" graphic, complete with a threatening loading bar and boot print, serves as a digital cease and desist for anyone walking too closely behind you. Formally endorsed by Sir Cucumber Dog, who despises being followed on his daily patrols.
Targeted Gifting Solutions We provide logistical solutions for the chronically irritable pedestrian. This sarcastic t-shirt serves as the perfect low budget, high impact gift for a cynical city worker, a deeply introverted best friend, or anyone who suffers from severe pavement rage during their morning commute.
Premium Organic Manufacturing We absolutely refuse to print our spatial warnings on inferior materials. This garment is built to strict premium specifications, ensuring your demand for personal space is displayed on the highest quality canvas.
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Organic Construction: Crafted from 100% organic ring spun combed cotton. Exceptionally soft and entirely free from agricultural peasantry.
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Strategic Rear Deployment: The graphic is deployed entirely on the reverse of the garment, maximizing the psychological impact on the specific target directly behind you.
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High Contrast Sabotage: High resolution direct to garment printing ensures the dark typography and the green loading bar pop violently against the crisp white fabric, ensuring maximum legibility from a safe distance.
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Lightweight Armour: The 155 g/m2 single jersey fabric provides a breathable but highly durable layer of protection against unwanted social proximity.
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Mandatory Transparency Clause: Management accepts zero liability for your undergarment choices. This lightweight fabric is inherently sheer to maximise breathability. Lighter colours will become semi transparent under direct lighting. Please deploy adequate base layers unless you are intentionally seeking an HR violation.
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Corporate Compliance: When a stranger inevitably stumbles while abruptly altering their speed to avoid your wrath, document the victory and tag @thecucumberdog on Instagram using #thecucumberdog.
Size guide
| LENGTH (inches) | WIDTH (inches) | CHEST (inches) | |
| XS | 27 | 16 ½ | 31-34 |
| S | 28 | 18 | 34-37 |
| M | 29 | 20 | 38-41 |
| L | 30 | 22 | 42-45 |
| XL | 31 | 24 | 46-49 |
| 2XL | 32 | 26 | 50-53 |
| 3XL | 33 | 28 | 54-57 |
| 4XL | 34 | 30 | 58-61 |
| LENGTH (cm) | WIDTH (cm) | CHEST (cm) | |
| XS | 68.6 | 42 | 78.7-86.4 |
| S | 71.1 | 45.7 | 86.4-94 |
| M | 73.7 | 50.8 | 96.5-104.1 |
| L | 76.2 | 55.9 | 106.7-114.3 |
| XL | 78.7 | 61 | 116.8-124.5 |
| 2XL | 81.3 | 66 | 127-134.6 |
| 3XL | 83.8 | 71.1 | 137.2-144.8 |
| 4XL | 86.4 | 76.2 | 147.3-155 |
Shipping & Returns
Sir Cucumber Dog pays for delivery.
- Cost: £0.00. Every order ships FREE within the UK & USA.
- Timing: Your item is crafted specifically for you. Please allow 3-5 business days for production before it departs our green-lit HQ.
- Returns: If it arrives damaged or the pug messed up the print, we’ll sort it. No stress, no fuss.
Frequently asked questions
How do I choose the correct size?
Do not guess your size. Our funny slogan t-shirts and premium apparel use standard UK unisex sizing. Please consult the dedicated size guide located on this specific product page before adding the item to your basket. Taking a moment to measure a shirt you already own is the best way to ensure a proper fit and avoid looking like a burst sausage.
How long does delivery take?
We are unable to accept returns on certain items. These will be carefully marked before purchase.
When will I get my order?
Your new apparel or rude accessory is printed specifically for you. This sustainable print on demand process means production takes roughly 2 to 5 business days. Once your item is freshly printed, we will dispatch your order and provide a tracking link. Standard shipping within the UK and the US is completely free.
What is your return policy?
As every single item is a bespoke masterpiece printed to order, we do not accept returns or exchanges for a sudden change of heart or incorrect sizing. However, if your item arrives misprinted, faulty, or damaged by the courier, please contact our support team immediately with a clear photograph so we can resolve the issue.
How do I wash and care for this item?
Treat your new goods with the respect they deserve. Wash our organic cotton t-shirts inside out on a cool wash (30 degrees Celsius) and allow them to air dry to maintain their shape. Standard ceramic mugs are entirely dishwasher safe, but our heat colour changing mugs are delicate divas that must be washed by hand.
Who is Sir Cucumber Dog?
A gentleman does not typically reveal his secrets, but for you, I will make an exception. I am Sir Cucumber Dog: a plush pug of unparalleled sophistication, permanently squeezed into a bespoke green cucumber print suit. The cucumber monocle is purely for judging your life choices, and the yellow bow tie is because I am not a savage.
As the Chairman of this establishment, I oversee a curated collection of rude and funny designs across mugs, tees, and coasters, all presented in our signature Cucumber green and Cucumber cream. I am the physical embodiment of a lifestyle that prioritises sharp tailoring, strong gin, and an overwhelming disdain for the general public.