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The Cucumber Dojo | Sarcastic Graphic Black T-Shirt
£21.99
Estimated delivery:
🚚 Sir Cucumber Dog pays for shipping. UK & US delivery is on us! Each order is fulfilled in the country of order.
Sir Cucumber Dog's Offensiveness Rating
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"Violently destroying personal motivation while bragging about pulled groins is a masterclass in athletic sabotage. Highly approved for avoiding the gym with maximum cynicism."
- CJO (Chief Judgement Officer)
Welcome to the official training centre of absolute lethargy. If your preferred form of self defence is simply avoiding physical activity altogether, this premium black t-shirt is your new mandatory gi. Featuring a bold back print in our signature Cucumber Green and Cream, the graphic depicts Sir Cucumber Dog actively roundhouse kicking a stack of books labelled "Your Motivation".
Complete with a vintage athletic aesthetic and the proud boast of "Pulling Groins Since 2024", this garment explicitly informs the public that your athletic peak is well behind you. Despite the ironic "Beverley Hills, CA" location stamp, this shirt is strictly for those who prefer to try and kick back, literally. Formally endorsed by our Chief Judgement Officer, who expects absolute structural failure and zero aerobic stamina from all enrolled students.
Material & Care Specifications
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Fabric Construction: Crafted from 100 per cent combed and ring-spun cotton for a sturdy, premium feel against the skin. (Please note that while this black tee is pure cotton, any heather colour variants contain a polyester blend).
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Fabric Weight: 4.2 oz/yd² (142 g/m²) for a lightweight, breathable fit that requires zero athletic effort to wear.
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Garment Durability: Pre-shrunk fabric with side-seamed construction and shoulder-to-shoulder taping to ensure structural integrity wash after wash.
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Care: Machine wash cold inside out with similar colours. Tumble dry on low heat. Do not iron directly over the printed graphic.
Colonial Translation
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UK: Humour / Favour / Behaviour / Colours / Cheeky / Cosy / Centre / Defence
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US: Humor / Favor / Behavior / Colors / Sassy / Cozy / Center / Defense
Shipping & Returns
Return policy
The Official Grievance Policy
Our primary objective is for you to be entirely satisfied with your apparel so that neither of us has to deal with extra paperwork. However, if your purchase has failed to meet your exceptionally high standards—or if we have somehow made a genuine error—please inform us immediately.
We will deploy our best administrative efforts to investigate the issue and make it right. Do not suffer in silence; complain to us directly so we can resolve the problem with maximum efficiency and minimum fuss.
- To initiate a return or report an issue, please contact our support team with your order number.
Frequently asked questions
How do I choose the correct size?
Do not guess your size. Our funny slogan t-shirts and premium apparel use standard UK unisex sizing. Please consult the dedicated size guide located on this specific product page before adding the item to your basket. Taking a moment to measure a shirt you already own is the best way to ensure a proper fit and avoid looking like a burst sausage.
How long does delivery take?
Your new apparel or rude accessory is printed specifically for you. This sustainable print on demand process means production takes roughly 2 to 5 business days. Once your item is freshly printed, we will dispatch your order and provide a tracking link. Standard shipping within the UK and the US is completely free.
What is your return policy?
As every single item is a bespoke masterpiece printed to order, we do not accept returns or exchanges for a sudden change of heart or incorrect sizing. However, if your item arrives misprinted, faulty, or damaged by the courier, please contact our support team immediately with a clear photograph so we can resolve the issue.
How do I wash and care for this item?
Treat your new goods with the respect they deserve. Wash our organic cotton t-shirts inside out on a cool wash (30 degrees Celsius) and allow them to air dry to maintain their shape. Standard ceramic mugs are entirely dishwasher safe, but our heat colour changing mugs are delicate divas that must be washed by hand.
Who is Sir Cucumber Dog?
A gentleman does not typically reveal his secrets, but for you, I will make an exception. I am Sir Cucumber Dog: a plush pug of unparalleled sophistication, permanently squeezed into a bespoke green cucumber print suit. The cucumber monocle is purely for judging your life choices, and the yellow bow tie is because I am not a savage.
As the Chairman of this establishment, I oversee a curated collection of rude and funny designs across mugs, tees, and coasters, all presented in our signature Cucumber green and Cucumber cream. I am the physical embodiment of a lifestyle that prioritises sharp tailoring, strong gin, and an overwhelming disdain for the general public.