How do Cucumber Dog heavyweight hoodies and graphic tees fit?

Our heavyweight hoodies feature a structured fleece build that runs slightly small; for an ideal relaxed loungewear drape, we recommend ordering one full size larger than your usual size. Please consult the sizing chart carefully prior to ordering.

Will the graphic print on my Cucumber Dog hoodie or t-shirt crack or peel?

No. We utilise commercial-grade Direct-to-Film (DTF) and Direct-to-Garment (DTG) printing technology. Wash your garment cold, inside out, and tumble dry low to preserve crisp typography and vibrant colour saturation.

How much is Cucumber Dog shipping to the USA and Canada, and how long does delivery take?

Cucumber Dog ships exclusively within the United States and Canada. Shipping is a flat $5.99 USD to the USA and $9.99 USD to Canada, and completely FREE on all orders over $60.00 USD. Every item requires 3 to 5 working days for production before dispatch. Total expected delivery time is 6 to 13 business days for most North American orders (and up to 15 business days for Canadian cross-border specialist colourways like Bone hoodies). Apparel and hard goods like ceramic mugs are shipped in separate parcels at no extra cost so your mug does not smash your hoodie.

What is the Cucumber Dog returns policy?

Because every item is custom printed on demand specifically for your order, we only accept returns or exchanges within 30 days for items that arrive damaged, misprinted, or defective. We do not process refunds for a change of mind or incorrect size selection.

1/5

The Cucumber Dojo | Sarcastic Graphic Black T-Shirt

$43.00

Enter the least motivated martial arts academy. This black graphic t-shirt is the ultimate uniform for aggressive physical apathy.

Size

CJO Judgement Index 2 / 5

Passive Aggressive

""Violently destroying personal motivation while bragging about pulled groins is a masterclass in athletic sabotage. Highly approved for avoiding the gym with maximum cynicism.""

Sir Cucumber Dog, CJO

🚚 Estimated delivery:

Free over $60. Fulfilled locally in North America. No hidden fees, no overseas logistics drama.

Welcome to the official training centre of absolute lethargy. If your preferred form of self defence is simply avoiding physical activity altogether, this premium black t-shirt is your new mandatory gi. Featuring a bold back print in our signature Cucumber Green and Cream, the graphic depicts Sir Cucumber Dog actively roundhouse kicking a stack of books labelled "Your Motivation".

Complete with a vintage athletic aesthetic and the proud boast of "Pulling Groins Since 2024", this garment explicitly informs the public that your athletic peak is well behind you. Despite the ironic "Beverley Hills, CA" location stamp, this shirt is strictly for those who prefer to try and kick back, literally. Formally endorsed by our Chief Judgement Officer, who expects absolute structural failure and zero aerobic stamina from all enrolled students.

Material & Care Specifications

Fabric Construction: Crafted from 100 per cent combed and ring-spun cotton for a sturdy, premium feel against the skin. (Please note that while this black tee is pure cotton, any heather colour variants contain a polyester blend).
Fabric Weight: 4.2 oz/yd² (142 g/m²) for a lightweight, breathable fit that requires zero athletic effort to wear.
Garment Durability: Pre-shrunk fabric with side-seamed construction and shoulder-to-shoulder taping to ensure structural integrity wash after wash.
Care: Machine wash cold inside out with similar colours. Tumble dry on low heat. Do not iron directly over the printed graphic.

Colonial Translation

UK: Humour / Favour / Behaviour / Colours / Cheeky / Cosy / Centre / Defence
US: Humor / Favor / Behavior / Colors / Sassy / Cozy / Center / Defense

The Official Grievance Policy

Our primary objective is for you to be entirely satisfied with your apparel so that neither of us has to deal with extra paperwork. However, if your purchase has failed to meet your exceptionally high standards—or if we have somehow made a genuine error—please inform us immediately.

We will deploy our best administrative efforts to investigate the issue and make it right. Do not suffer in silence; complain to us directly so we can resolve the problem with maximum efficiency and minimum fuss.

To initiate a return or report an issue, please contact our support team with your order number.

Shipping

Cost: Free on orders over $60.
Delivery: Exclusively shipping within the USA and Canada. Every order is fulfilled locally.
Timing: Your item is crafted specifically for you. Please allow 3 to 5 business days for production before your freshly printed order is shipped.

Returns

Because our apparel is printed on demand just for you, we strictly do not accept returns or refunds if you simply change your mind. If the item arrives damaged or the pug messed up the print, we will sort it out. No stress, no fuss.

Colonial Translation

Sort it out: Fix the issue.
Change of mind: Buyer's remorse.

Frequently asked questions

Do not guess your measurements. Our premium apparel uses standard unisex sizing, but assuming you know your exact fit is a terrible strategy. Because our inventory is strictly printed on demand, we absolutely do not accept returns or process refunds if you simply order the wrong size or change your mind. Returns and exchanges are reserved solely for genuinely damaged or defective goods.

Please consult the highly accurate size guide located on this specific product page before adding the item to your basket. Taking two minutes to measure a garment you already own is the most effective way to ensure a proper fit and avoid looking like a burst sausage.

Size	Body Length (inches)	Chest Width (inches)	Sleeve Length (inches)
S	27 ⅛	19 ½	8 ⅞
M	28 ¾	21	9 ½
L	29 ½	22 ¼	9 ⅝
XL	30 ¼	23 ⅜	9 ⅞
2XL	31 ⅛	25.00	10
3XL	31 ⅞	26 ⅝	10 ¼
4XL	32 ⅝	28 ½	10 ¼
5XL	33 ⅛	30 ½	10 ¼

very piece of apparel or sarcastic accessory is custom made to order. This print on demand approach means production takes between 2 to 5 business days. Once printed, the package goes out with a tracking link. Standard shipping is calculated at checkout, with free shipping automatically unlocked on orders over $60.

As every single item is a bespoke masterpiece printed to order, we do not accept returns or exchanges for a sudden change of heart or incorrect sizing. However, if your item arrives misprinted, faulty, or damaged by the courier, please contact our support team immediately with a clear photograph so we can resolve the issue.

Treat your new goods with the respect they deserve. Wash our organic cotton t-shirts inside out on a cool wash (30 degrees Celsius) and allow them to air dry to maintain their shape. Standard ceramic mugs are entirely dishwasher safe, but our heat colour changing mugs are delicate divas that must be washed by hand.