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The Cucumber Dojo | Sarcastic Funny White Hoodie
£36.00
Estimated delivery:
🚚 Sir Cucumber Dog pays for shipping. UK & US delivery is on us! Each order is fulfilled in the country of order.
Welcome to the elite academy of catastrophic stretching injuries. This premium white hoodie features Sir Cucumber Dog executing a devastating high kick through your remaining motivation, finished with the legendary creed: "The Cucumber Dojo: Pulling groins since 2024." It is the ultimate streetwear uniform for anyone who appreciates martial arts aesthetics, zero physical agility, and making fitness instructors deeply concerned for your hip alignment.
Shipping & Returns
Return policy
The Official Grievance Policy
Our primary objective is for you to be entirely satisfied with your apparel so that neither of us has to deal with extra paperwork. However, if your purchase has failed to meet your exceptionally high standards—or if we have somehow made a genuine error—please inform us immediately.
We will deploy our best administrative efforts to investigate the issue and make it right. Do not suffer in silence; complain to us directly so we can resolve the problem with maximum efficiency and minimum fuss.
- To initiate a return or report an issue, please contact our support team with your order number.
Frequently asked questions
How do I choose the correct size?
Do not guess your size. Our funny slogan t-shirts and premium apparel use standard UK unisex sizing. Please consult the dedicated size guide located on this specific product page before adding the item to your basket. Taking a moment to measure a shirt you already own is the best way to ensure a proper fit and avoid looking like a burst sausage.
How long does delivery take?
Your new apparel or rude accessory is printed specifically for you. This sustainable print on demand process means production takes roughly 2 to 5 business days. Once your item is freshly printed, we will dispatch your order and provide a tracking link. Standard shipping within the UK and the US is completely free.
What is your return policy?
As every single item is a bespoke masterpiece printed to order, we do not accept returns or exchanges for a sudden change of heart or incorrect sizing. However, if your item arrives misprinted, faulty, or damaged by the courier, please contact our support team immediately with a clear photograph so we can resolve the issue.
How do I wash and care for this item?
Treat your new goods with the respect they deserve. Wash our organic cotton t-shirts inside out on a cool wash (30 degrees Celsius) and allow them to air dry to maintain their shape. Standard ceramic mugs are entirely dishwasher safe, but our heat colour changing mugs are delicate divas that must be washed by hand.
Who is Sir Cucumber Dog?
A gentleman does not typically reveal his secrets, but for you, I will make an exception. I am Sir Cucumber Dog: a plush pug of unparalleled sophistication, permanently squeezed into a bespoke green cucumber print suit. The cucumber monocle is purely for judging your life choices, and the yellow bow tie is because I am not a savage.
As the Chairman of this establishment, I oversee a curated collection of rude and funny designs across mugs, tees, and coasters, all presented in our signature Cucumber green and Cucumber cream. I am the physical embodiment of a lifestyle that prioritises sharp tailoring, strong gin, and an overwhelming disdain for the general public.