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Carelessly Sprayed Seed Coaster
$24.00
Offensive Rating
4/5 — Blatantly Disrespectful
""Sir Cucumber Dog notes that bird seed management requires strict horticultural discipline. He formally endorses this protective coaster for keeping table surfaces pristine while completely destroying neighbourly relations.""
Free over $60. Fulfilled locally in North America. No hidden fees, no overseas logistics drama.
Product Description
The Domestic Mishaps Division Welcome to the surface protection department. This premium cork-backed coaster introduces the world to the perils of careless lawn maintenance via a vintage 1950s illustration and a devastating double entendre. Featuring the indignant declaration "He carelessly sprayed his seed all over my pristine patio," it entirely rejects wholesome domestic decor in favour of unadulterated sarcastic innuendo. It is the ultimate tabletop accessory for anyone who prefers their morning coffee served with a heavy side of marital hostility and innocent ornithological misunderstanding.
Technical Specifications We absolutely refuse to protect your coffee table with inferior homeware. This coaster is built to strict premium specifications using our global network of bespoke print facilities.
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Dimensions: A perfectly proportioned 3.74″ × 3.74″ (9.5 × 9.5 cm) square surface, offering ample real estate for your morning brew or evening gin.
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Material: Hardboard top with a vibrant, fade-resistant gloss finish paired with a robust cork backing to protect your wood, glass, or stone surfaces from heat rings and structural damage.
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Durability: Built to withstand heavy daily use, condensation rings, and the crushing disappointment of guests who actually read the text.
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Global Fulfillment: Printed and routed locally, meaning faster delivery times whether you are defending your coffee table in the UK or the USA.
Corporate Compliance When a guest pauses mid-sip, looks at the coaster, and chokes on their tea, maintain unbroken eye contact and submit the tea-spilling evidence to our administrative peasantry by tagging @thecucumberdog on Instagram using #thecucumberdog.
Colonial Translation
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British English: Patio / Humour / Labour / Colour
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American English: Patio / Humor / Labor / Color
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Context: A highly specialised piece of protective table hardware designed to ruin polite afternoon tea across international borders.
Cost reflects a single piece. Buy one, or buy enough to cause an administrative incident.
Shipping & Returns
Shipping
- Cost: Free on orders over $60.
- Delivery: Exclusively shipping within the USA and Canada. Every order is fulfilled locally.
- Timing: Your item is crafted specifically for you. Please allow 3 to 5 business days for production before your freshly printed order is shipped.
Returns
- Because our apparel is printed on demand just for you, we strictly do not accept returns or refunds if you simply change your mind. If the item arrives damaged or the pug messed up the print, we will sort it out. No stress, no fuss.
Colonial Translation
- Sort it out: Fix the issue.
- Change of mind: Buyer's remorse.
Frequently asked questions
How do I choose the correct size?
Do not guess your measurements. Our premium apparel uses standard unisex sizing, but assuming you know your exact fit is a terrible strategy. Because our inventory is strictly printed on demand, we absolutely do not accept returns or process refunds if you simply order the wrong size or change your mind. Returns and exchanges are reserved solely for genuinely damaged or defective goods.
Please consult the highly accurate size guide located on this specific product page before adding the item to your basket. Taking two minutes to measure a garment you already own is the most effective way to ensure a proper fit and avoid looking like a burst sausage.
| Size | Body Length (inches) | Chest Width (inches) | Sleeve Length (inches) |
|---|---|---|---|
| S | 27 ⅛ | 19 ½ | 8 ⅞ |
| M | 28 ¾ | 21 | 9 ½ |
| L | 29 ½ | 22 ¼ | 9 ⅝ |
| XL | 30 ¼ | 23 ⅜ | 9 ⅞ |
| 2XL | 31 ⅛ | 25.00 | 10 |
| 3XL | 31 ⅞ | 26 ⅝ | 10 ¼ |
| 4XL | 32 ⅝ | 28 ½ | 10 ¼ |
| 5XL | 33 ⅛ | 30 ½ | 10 ¼ |
How long does delivery take?
very piece of apparel or sarcastic accessory is custom made to order. This print on demand approach means production takes between 2 to 5 business days. Once printed, the package goes out with a tracking link. Standard shipping is calculated at checkout, with free shipping automatically unlocked on orders over $60.
What is your return policy?
As every single item is a bespoke masterpiece printed to order, we do not accept returns or exchanges for a sudden change of heart or incorrect sizing. However, if your item arrives misprinted, faulty, or damaged by the courier, please contact our support team immediately with a clear photograph so we can resolve the issue.
How do I wash and care for this item?
Treat your new goods with the respect they deserve. Wash our organic cotton t-shirts inside out on a cool wash (30 degrees Celsius) and allow them to air dry to maintain their shape. Standard ceramic mugs are entirely dishwasher safe, but our heat colour changing mugs are delicate divas that must be washed by hand.
Who is Sir Cucumber Dog?
A gentleman does not typically reveal his secrets, but for you, I will make an exception. I am Sir Cucumber Dog: a plush pug of unparalleled sophistication, permanently squeezed into a bespoke green cucumber print suit. The cucumber monocle is purely for judging your life choices, and the yellow bow tie is because I am not a savage.
As the Chairman of this establishment, I oversee a curated collection of rude and funny designs across mugs, tees, and coasters, all presented in our signature Cucumber green and Cucumber cream. I am the physical embodiment of a lifestyle that prioritises sharp tailoring, strong gin, and an overwhelming disdain for the general public.