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Carelessly Sprayed Seed Coaster
£11.99
Estimated delivery:
🚚 FREE Shipping to the UK & USA
The Domestic Mishaps Division Welcome to the surface protection department. This premium cork-backed coaster introduces the world to the perils of careless lawn maintenance via a vintage 1950s illustration and a devastating double entendre. Featuring the indignant declaration "He carelessly sprayed his seed all over my pristine patio," it entirely rejects wholesome domestic decor in favour of unadulterated sarcastic innuendo. It is the ultimate tabletop accessory for anyone who prefers their morning coffee served with a heavy side of marital hostility and innocent ornithological misunderstanding.
Technical Specifications We absolutely refuse to protect your coffee table with inferior homeware. This coaster is built to strict premium specifications using our global network of bespoke print facilities.
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Dimensions: A perfectly proportioned 3.74″ × 3.74″ (9.5 × 9.5 cm) square surface, offering ample real estate for your morning brew or evening gin.
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Material: Hardboard top with a vibrant, fade-resistant gloss finish paired with a robust cork backing to protect your wood, glass, or stone surfaces from heat rings and structural damage.
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Durability: Built to withstand heavy daily use, condensation rings, and the crushing disappointment of guests who actually read the text.
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Global Fulfillment: Printed and routed locally, meaning faster delivery times whether you are defending your coffee table in the UK or the USA.
Corporate Compliance When a guest pauses mid-sip, looks at the coaster, and chokes on their tea, maintain unbroken eye contact and submit the tea-spilling evidence to our administrative peasantry by tagging @thecucumberdog on Instagram using #thecucumberdog.
Colonial Translation
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British English: Patio / Humour / Labour / Colour
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American English: Patio / Humor / Labor / Color
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Context: A highly specialised piece of protective table hardware designed to ruin polite afternoon tea across international borders.
Cost reflects a single piece. Buy one, or buy enough to cause an administrative incident.
Shipping & Returns
Return policy
Our goal is for every customer to be totally satisfied with their purchase. If this isn't the case, let us know and we'll do our best to work with you to make it right.
Shipping
We will work quickly to ship your order as soon as possible. Once your order has shipped, you will receive an email with further information. Delivery times vary depending on your location.
Sir Cucumber Dog pays for delivery.
- Cost: £0.00. Every order ships FREE within the UK & USA.
- Timing: Your item is crafted specifically for you. Please allow 3-5 business days for production before it departs our green-lit HQ.
- Returns: If it arrives damaged or the pug messed up the print, we’ll sort it. No stress, no fuss.
Frequently asked questions
How do I choose the correct size?
Do not guess your size. Our funny slogan t-shirts and premium apparel use standard UK unisex sizing. Please consult the dedicated size guide located on this specific product page before adding the item to your basket. Taking a moment to measure a shirt you already own is the best way to ensure a proper fit and avoid looking like a burst sausage.
How long does delivery take?
We are unable to accept returns on certain items. These will be carefully marked before purchase.
When will I get my order?
Your new apparel or rude accessory is printed specifically for you. This sustainable print on demand process means production takes roughly 2 to 5 business days. Once your item is freshly printed, we will dispatch your order and provide a tracking link. Standard shipping within the UK and the US is completely free.
What is your return policy?
As every single item is a bespoke masterpiece printed to order, we do not accept returns or exchanges for a sudden change of heart or incorrect sizing. However, if your item arrives misprinted, faulty, or damaged by the courier, please contact our support team immediately with a clear photograph so we can resolve the issue.
How do I wash and care for this item?
Treat your new goods with the respect they deserve. Wash our organic cotton t-shirts inside out on a cool wash (30 degrees Celsius) and allow them to air dry to maintain their shape. Standard ceramic mugs are entirely dishwasher safe, but our heat colour changing mugs are delicate divas that must be washed by hand.
Who is Sir Cucumber Dog?
A gentleman does not typically reveal his secrets, but for you, I will make an exception. I am Sir Cucumber Dog: a plush pug of unparalleled sophistication, permanently squeezed into a bespoke green cucumber print suit. The cucumber monocle is purely for judging your life choices, and the yellow bow tie is because I am not a savage.
As the Chairman of this establishment, I oversee a curated collection of rude and funny designs across mugs, tees, and coasters, all presented in our signature Cucumber green and Cucumber cream. I am the physical embodiment of a lifestyle that prioritises sharp tailoring, strong gin, and an overwhelming disdain for the general public.