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Cucumber Dog Slay Athletics Collegiate Gold Hoodie
$95.00
Offensive Rating
3/5 — Dangerously Cheeky
""Launching an athletics department for a demographic that aggressively avoids physical movement is a brilliant piece of satirical marketing. Approved.""
Free over $60. Fulfilled locally in North America. No hidden fees, no overseas logistics drama.
Product Description
Channel your complete lack of physical exertion into aggressive varsity aesthetics. This premium gold hoodie features the word 'SLAY' in large, solid black collegiate typography with a crisp cream outline, positioned directly above 'CUCUMBER DOG ATHLETICS' in matching cream text. While the youth of today use the term to describe exceptional performance, flawless execution, or looking incredible, we prefer to apply it strictly to our ability to sleep for twelve consecutive hours.
Applied using advanced DTF (Direct to Film) printing technology, the graphic delivers exceptional durability, crisp edges, and vibrant colour that will survive endless cycles in the washing machine. It is the perfect layer for claiming an athletic victory over your daily task list, or simply "slaying" a profound state of doing absolutely nothing on the sofa.
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Material Construction: Crafted with a 100 per cent cotton face and a 65 per cent ring-spun cotton, 35 per cent polyester blend for maximum warmth.
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Design Specifications: Includes a front pouch pocket, matching flat drawstrings, a structured 3-panel hood, and a self-fabric patch on the back for a premium finish.
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Shipping and Corporate Policy: We currently offer fulfilment exclusively to the USA and Canada to streamline our operations, and we provide free shipping on all orders over $60. As our apparel is manufactured using a print on demand process, we strictly limit returns and exchanges to damaged or defective items. We absolutely do not accept returns for a change of mind. Please consult the size chart carefully before placing your order.
Colonial Translation
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UK: Humour / Cosy / Colours / Centre / Behaviour / Fulfilment / Colour
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US: Humor / Cozy / Colors / Center / Behavior / Fulfillment / Color
• Blank product sourced from Pakistan
Disclaimer: This hoodie runs small. For the perfect fit, we recommend ordering one size larger than your usual size.
Shipping & Returns
Shipping
- Cost: Free on orders over $60.
- Delivery: Exclusively shipping within the USA and Canada. Every order is fulfilled locally.
- Timing: Your item is crafted specifically for you. Please allow 3 to 5 business days for production before your freshly printed order is shipped.
Returns
- Because our apparel is printed on demand just for you, we strictly do not accept returns or refunds if you simply change your mind. If the item arrives damaged or the pug messed up the print, we will sort it out. No stress, no fuss.
Colonial Translation
- Sort it out: Fix the issue.
- Change of mind: Buyer's remorse.
Frequently asked questions
How do I choose the correct size?
Do not guess your measurements. Our premium apparel uses standard unisex sizing, but assuming you know your exact fit is a terrible strategy. Because our inventory is strictly printed on demand, we absolutely do not accept returns or process refunds if you simply order the wrong size or change your mind. Returns and exchanges are reserved solely for genuinely damaged or defective goods.
Please consult the highly accurate size guide located on this specific product page before adding the item to your basket. Taking two minutes to measure a garment you already own is the most effective way to ensure a proper fit and avoid looking like a burst sausage.
| Size | Body Length (inches) | Chest Width (inches) | Sleeve Length (inches) |
|---|---|---|---|
| S | 27 ⅛ | 19 ½ | 8 ⅞ |
| M | 28 ¾ | 21 | 9 ½ |
| L | 29 ½ | 22 ¼ | 9 ⅝ |
| XL | 30 ¼ | 23 ⅜ | 9 ⅞ |
| 2XL | 31 ⅛ | 25.00 | 10 |
| 3XL | 31 ⅞ | 26 ⅝ | 10 ¼ |
| 4XL | 32 ⅝ | 28 ½ | 10 ¼ |
| 5XL | 33 ⅛ | 30 ½ | 10 ¼ |
How long does delivery take?
very piece of apparel or sarcastic accessory is custom made to order. This print on demand approach means production takes between 2 to 5 business days. Once printed, the package goes out with a tracking link. Standard shipping is calculated at checkout, with free shipping automatically unlocked on orders over $60.
What is your return policy?
As every single item is a bespoke masterpiece printed to order, we do not accept returns or exchanges for a sudden change of heart or incorrect sizing. However, if your item arrives misprinted, faulty, or damaged by the courier, please contact our support team immediately with a clear photograph so we can resolve the issue.
How do I wash and care for this item?
Treat your new goods with the respect they deserve. Wash our organic cotton t-shirts inside out on a cool wash (30 degrees Celsius) and allow them to air dry to maintain their shape. Standard ceramic mugs are entirely dishwasher safe, but our heat colour changing mugs are delicate divas that must be washed by hand.
Who is Sir Cucumber Dog?
A gentleman does not typically reveal his secrets, but for you, I will make an exception. I am Sir Cucumber Dog: a plush pug of unparalleled sophistication, permanently squeezed into a bespoke green cucumber print suit. The cucumber monocle is purely for judging your life choices, and the yellow bow tie is because I am not a savage.
As the Chairman of this establishment, I oversee a curated collection of rude and funny designs across mugs, tees, and coasters, all presented in our signature Cucumber green and Cucumber cream. I am the physical embodiment of a lifestyle that prioritises sharp tailoring, strong gin, and an overwhelming disdain for the general public.