How do Cucumber Dog heavyweight hoodies and graphic tees fit?

Our heavyweight hoodies feature a structured fleece build that runs slightly small; for an ideal relaxed loungewear drape, we recommend ordering one full size larger than your usual size. Please consult the sizing chart carefully prior to ordering.

Will the graphic print on my Cucumber Dog hoodie or t-shirt crack or peel?

No. We utilise commercial-grade Direct-to-Film (DTF) and Direct-to-Garment (DTG) printing technology. Wash your garment cold, inside out, and tumble dry low to preserve crisp typography and vibrant colour saturation.

How much is Cucumber Dog shipping to the USA and Canada, and how long does delivery take?

Cucumber Dog ships exclusively within the United States and Canada. Shipping is a flat $5.99 USD to the USA and $9.99 USD to Canada, and completely FREE on all orders over $60.00 USD. Every item requires 3 to 5 working days for production before dispatch. Total expected delivery time is 6 to 13 business days for most North American orders (and up to 15 business days for Canadian cross-border specialist colourways like Bone hoodies). Apparel and hard goods like ceramic mugs are shipped in separate parcels at no extra cost so your mug does not smash your hoodie.

What is the Cucumber Dog returns policy?

Because every item is custom printed on demand specifically for your order, we only accept returns or exchanges within 30 days for items that arrive damaged, misprinted, or defective. We do not process refunds for a change of mind or incorrect size selection.

Currently Processing a Poo Kids Tee

$48.00

Offensive Rating 3/5 — Dangerously Cheeky

""Sir Cucumber Dog believes in efficient administrative workflows and uninterrupted quiet time. He formally endorses this organic garment for establishing a necessary perimeter during critical biological processing events.""

Free over $60. Fulfilled locally in North America. No hidden fees, no overseas logistics drama.

The Biological Functions Division Welcome to the heavy processing department. This 100% organic white tee provides a real-time status update on your toddler's most critical daily operation via a vibrant lime green loading bar and bold retro lettering. Featuring the essential broadcast "Currently processing a poo," it entirely rejects wholesome parenting optics in favour of unadulterated biological transparency. It is the ultimate garment for children who require absolute focus, silence, and zero eye contact while conducting serious administrative business behind closed bathroom doors.

Technical Specifications We absolutely refuse to wrap biological processing units in inferior textiles. This youth garment is built to strict premium specifications using our global network of bespoke print facilities.

Material: 100% organic ring-spun combed cotton (Single jersey, 4.57 oz/yd² or 155 g/m²), meaning it is completely free of pesticides and soft enough for sensitive skin during extended focus sessions.
Fit: Medium fit with set-in sleeves, allowing for maximum concentration and necessary squatting posture during the processing phase.
Durability: Finished with a 1x1 rib at the collar, narrow double-needle topstitch on the sleeves and bottom hems, plus self-fabric neck tape (inside the back of the neck) to withstand frequent, aggressive laundering.
Global Fulfillment: Printed and routed locally, meaning faster delivery times whether the processing is happening in the UK or the USA.

Corporate Compliance When another parent sees the shirt during a high-stress public meltdown, maintain unbroken eye contact, point to the loading bar, and submit the evidence to our administrative peasantry by tagging @thecucumberdog on Instagram using #thecucumberdog.

Size Guide

	BODY LENGTH (inches)	CHEST WIDTH (inches)	SLEEVE LENGTH (inches)
3-4	16 ½	13	4 ½
5-6	18 ⅛	13 ¾	4 ⅞
7-8	20 ¼	14 ⅝	5 ¾

	BODY LENGTH (cm)	CHEST WIDTH (cm)	SLEEVE LENGTH (cm)
3-4	42	33	11.4
5-6	46	35	12.5
7-8	51.6	37	14.5

Shipping

Cost: Free on orders over $60.
Delivery: Exclusively shipping within the USA and Canada. Every order is fulfilled locally.
Timing: Your item is crafted specifically for you. Please allow 3 to 5 business days for production before your freshly printed order is shipped.

Returns

Because our apparel is printed on demand just for you, we strictly do not accept returns or refunds if you simply change your mind. If the item arrives damaged or the pug messed up the print, we will sort it out. No stress, no fuss.

Colonial Translation

Sort it out: Fix the issue.
Change of mind: Buyer's remorse.

Frequently asked questions

Do not guess your measurements. Our premium apparel uses standard unisex sizing, but assuming you know your exact fit is a terrible strategy. Because our inventory is strictly printed on demand, we absolutely do not accept returns or process refunds if you simply order the wrong size or change your mind. Returns and exchanges are reserved solely for genuinely damaged or defective goods.

Please consult the highly accurate size guide located on this specific product page before adding the item to your basket. Taking two minutes to measure a garment you already own is the most effective way to ensure a proper fit and avoid looking like a burst sausage.

Size	Body Length (inches)	Chest Width (inches)	Sleeve Length (inches)
S	27 ⅛	19 ½	8 ⅞
M	28 ¾	21	9 ½
L	29 ½	22 ¼	9 ⅝
XL	30 ¼	23 ⅜	9 ⅞
2XL	31 ⅛	25.00	10
3XL	31 ⅞	26 ⅝	10 ¼
4XL	32 ⅝	28 ½	10 ¼
5XL	33 ⅛	30 ½	10 ¼

very piece of apparel or sarcastic accessory is custom made to order. This print on demand approach means production takes between 2 to 5 business days. Once printed, the package goes out with a tracking link. Standard shipping is calculated at checkout, with free shipping automatically unlocked on orders over $60.

As every single item is a bespoke masterpiece printed to order, we do not accept returns or exchanges for a sudden change of heart or incorrect sizing. However, if your item arrives misprinted, faulty, or damaged by the courier, please contact our support team immediately with a clear photograph so we can resolve the issue.

Treat your new goods with the respect they deserve. Wash our organic cotton t-shirts inside out on a cool wash (30 degrees Celsius) and allow them to air dry to maintain their shape. Standard ceramic mugs are entirely dishwasher safe, but our heat colour changing mugs are delicate divas that must be washed by hand.

A gentleman does not typically reveal his secrets, but for you, I will make an exception. I am Sir Cucumber Dog: a plush pug of unparalleled sophistication, permanently squeezed into a bespoke green cucumber print suit. The cucumber monocle is purely for judging your life choices, and the yellow bow tie is because I am not a savage.

As the Chairman of this establishment, I oversee a curated collection of rude and funny designs across mugs, tees, and coasters, all presented in our signature Cucumber green and Cucumber cream. I am the physical embodiment of a lifestyle that prioritises sharp tailoring, strong gin, and an overwhelming disdain for the general public.

Read Sir Cucumber Dogs Page