Greetings, you delightful deviant. It is I, Sir Cucumber Dog, the pug of impeccable taste and questionable morals. It has come to my attention that your tiny human brains are fizzing with queries. While I'd rather be sipping a gin and tonic, I suppose I can spare a moment to enlighten you. Do try to keep up.

Questions About Me, Your Glorious Leader

Q: Who, in God's name, are you? A: A gentleman doesn't typically reveal his secrets, but for you, I'll make an exception. I am Sir Cucumber Dog – a plush pug of unparalleled sophistication, squeezed into a bespoke cucumber-print suit. The monocle is for judging your life choices, and the bow tie is because I'm not a savage.

Q: Right... but why cucumbers? A: Why is the sky blue? Why is gin so delicious? Some things are simply perfect. Cucumbers are cool, crisp, and elegantly phallic. They represent my entire vibe. It's not a diet, it's a lifestyle. Look it up.

Q: Are you an actual, real-life pug? A: Is your sense of humour real? Let's just say my paws are not well-suited for typing, yet here we are. A little mystery is good for the constitution. Mine, not yours.

Q: What do you do when you're not on a mug? A: My hobbies are extensive and refined. They include napping in sunbeams, silently judging pigeons, and conceptualising new ways to print profanity onto household items. It's a full-time job being this fabulous.

Questions About My Glorious Merchandise

Q: What kind of tat do you actually sell? A: It is not "tat," it is art. I bestow my handsome face and our brilliantly rude designs upon a curated selection of essential items:

• Mugs (Standard & Heat Changing): For hiding vodka at your morning Zoom meeting.

• Tees: To clothe your torso in a manner that says, "I'm fun, but also a bit of a nightmare."

• Coasters: We like to call them 'Mug Rugs,' because we're cultured. Designed to protect your furniture from the stains of your questionable life choices.

• Mats (Indoor Doormats, Bath Mats, Pet Bowl Mats): To cover up the filth you're otherwise dragging through your home.

Q: Are your products suitable for my workplace / grandmother / children? A: Absolutely not. Unless your grandmother has a history of swearing at bingo or your boss appreciates a well-placed insult. We operate on the "funny because it's true" principle. Discretion is advised. And frankly, hilarious.

🚿 How do I care for my new stuff? It's the nicest thing I own.

A: Oh, I'm sure it is. We've done the funny bit; now you need to do the responsible bit. Treat these items properly, or Sir Cucumber Dog will be sorely disappointed in you.

• Standard Mugs: Good news! These are certified high-quality. You can shove them in the dishwasher and microwave without guilt. Just don't let your mate steal it.

• Heat Colour Changing Mugs: Listen up, these are divas. HAND WASH THEM ONLY. Putting this mug in the microwave or dishwasher is a direct insult to the magic inside. You'll ruin it. Don't do it.

• Cotton T-shirts: You've got crude taste, so you deserve a quality tee. Turn it inside out (like you're ashamed of the print) and wash it at a cool 30°C. Tumble drying is for amateurs; hang it up to air dry.

• Coasters: It’s a coaster, not a lifeboat. Simply wipe it clean if you spill your tea. Submerging it in water is overkill, and the dishwasher will annihilate it.

• Indoor Doormats: This is the first thing people see, so don't let it look minging. Hoover it regularly and spot clean any egregious filth. If you put this in a washing machine, it's curtains for the mat and your machine.

• Bath Mats: Yes, you can machine wash this (cold water, please). But please, hang it up to air dry. Tumble drying a bath mat is how you get a wonky, lumpy disaster. Don't be that person.

• Pet Bowl Mats: Sir Cucumber Dog would expect better manners from your pet. Simply wipe up the spills with a cloth. It's meant to protect the floor, not endure an industrial cleaning cycle.

Questions About Your Order (The Boring Bit)

Q: How much is shipping? And when will my glorious tat arrive? A: For my loyal subjects residing within the United Kingdom, I have decreed that shipping is on the house. Yes, FREE. You're welcome. Now, understand this: true art isn't mass-produced in some ghastly factory. Each and every item is printed on demand, just for you, as soon as your order is received. This means it takes a tad longer to get it ready for its grand journey, but quality, my dear friend, requires a smidgen of patience. You will be provided with a full estimated shipping time at the checkout page so you can plan your life accordingly.

Q: I'm impatient. Where is my order? A: Patience is a virtue, one I can see you do not possess. You'll receive a shipping confirmation email once your freshly printed parcel of joy is on its way. Check that before bothering us.

Q: I've changed my mind. Can I send it back? A: Let me be absolutely clear. As each item is a bespoke masterpiece printed specifically for you, we do not accept returns for a sudden change of mind. Your fleeting whims are your own affair. This isn't some high-street chain where you can return things willy-nilly. This is art. Commitment is required. However, if your item arrives looking like it's wrestled a badger (i.e., is damaged or faulty), then that is simply unacceptable. In the unlikely event of such a catastrophe, please contact our support minions immediately with a photograph of the disaster. We shall move heaven and earth to ensure you receive the perfection you paid for.

Q: Do you ship internationally? A: Alas, my magnificence is currently contained within the borders of the United Kingdom. But fear not, my international admirers! Plans are afoot to grace the rest of the globe with my presence. Consider it 'Phase One' of my world domination. Keep your monocles polished and watch this space.

💳 Questions About Payment & Security (Don't Be Cheap)

Q: How can I pay for my glorious merchandise? A: We only deal in the finest digital coinage. We accept payments processed via Shopify Payments (which covers all major credit and debit cards—Visa, Mastercard, etc.) and the always-useful PayPal. We do not, however, accept hugs, IOUs, or loose change found down the back of your sofa.

Q: Is my money safe with you? I've seen things... A: Do you think I'd allow your hard-earned cash to be handled by some amateur? Please. Our payment processing, powered by Shopify Payments and PayPal, is secured by the latest, most boringly secure encryption methods known to man. We don't store your credit card details—we have better things to memorise, like the best type of gin. Your transaction is entirely secure. Now stop worrying and start shopping.

Q: I have a different, less stupid question. A: If you have a query that my magnificent brain has failed to anticipate, you may bother our support humans. Send a message via our Contact Us page, and someone will get back to you. Please, try to be coherent.