Greetings, you delightful deviant. It is I, Sir Cucumber Dog, the pug of impeccable taste and questionable morals. It has come to my attention that your tiny human brains are fizzing with queries. While I’d rather be sipping a gin and tonic, I suppose I can spare a moment to enlighten you. Do try to keep up.

Questions About Me, Your Glorious Leader

Q: Who, in God's name, are you? A: A gentleman doesn't typically reveal his secrets, but for you, I’ll make an exception. I am Sir Cucumber Dog—a plush pug of unparalleled sophistication, squeezed into a bespoke cucumber-print suit. The monocle is for judging your life choices, and the bow tie is because I’m not a savage.

Q: Right... but why cucumbers? A: Why is the sky blue? Why is gin so delicious? Some things are simply perfect. Cucumbers are cool, crisp, and elegantly phallic. They represent my entire vibe. It’s not a diet; it’s a lifestyle. Look it up.

Q: Are you an actual, real-life pug? A: Is your sense of humour real? Let’s just say my paws are not well-suited for typing, yet here we are. A little mystery is good for the constitution. Mine, not yours.

Q: What do you do when you're not on a mug? A: My hobbies are extensive and refined. They include napping in sunbeams, silently judging pigeons, and conceptualising new ways to print profanity onto household items. It’s a full-time job being this fabulous.

Questions About My Glorious Merchandise

Q: What kind of gear do you actually sell? A: It is not "gear," it is art. I bestow my handsome face and our brilliantly rude designs upon a curated selection of essentials:

• Funny Mugs: For hiding vodka at your morning Zoom meeting.

• Slogan Tees: To clothe your torso in a manner that says, "I'm fun, but also a bit of a nightmare."

• Coasters (Mug Rugs): Designed to protect your furniture from the stains of your questionable life choices.

• Pet Bowl Mats: Because your pet deserves a kitchen glow-up (and a rude mat).

• Indoor Mats: To cover up the filth you're otherwise dragging through your home.

Q: Why don't you have a warehouse full of stuff? A: Because stockpiling is for hoarders and mega-corporations with no soul. We prefer sustainable, on-demand printing. It means zero waste, no dusty inventory, and a smaller carbon footprint. Sir Cucumber Dog loves the planet almost as much as he loves gin.

Q: Are your products suitable for my grandmother or children? A: Absolutely not. Unless your grandmother has a history of swearing at bingo or your boss appreciates a well-placed insult. We operate on the "funny because it's true" principle. Discretion is advised and frankly hilarious.

📏 Size Matters (Don’t Guess)

Q: Will this shirt fit my human torso? A: My shirts are made for humans, though I suspect some of you are just three pugs in a trench coat. To avoid looking like a burst sausage, do not guess your size. We use standard UK unisex sizing.

Q: How do I measure myself? A: Take a t-shirt you already own—one that actually fits—lay it flat, and measure it. Compare it to the charts below. If you are between sizes, go up. It’s better to have a bit of room for activities than to be shrink-wrapped.

Measurements in Inches

Measurements in Centimetres

How to Care for Your New Stuff (The Responsible Bit)

Treat these items properly, or I shall be sorely disappointed in you.

• Standard Mugs: High-quality and hardy. Dishwasher and microwave safe.

• Heat Colour Changing Mugs: These are divas. Hand wash only. Putting this in a dishwasher is a direct insult to the magic inside. Don't do it.

• Cotton T-shirts: Turn inside out and wash at a cool 30°C. Tumble drying is for amateurs; hang it up to air dry.

• Coasters: Simply wipe clean. Submerging them in water is overkill; the dishwasher will annihilate them.

• Pet Bowl Mats: Wipe up spills with a damp cloth. It’s meant to protect the floor, not endure an industrial cleaning cycle.

• Indoor Doormats: Hoover regularly. Do not put this in a washing machine unless you want to buy a new machine and a new mat.

Shipping & Returns (The Boring Bit)

Q: How much is shipping? A: For my loyal subjects within the United Kingdom, I have decreed that standard shipping is FREE. You’re welcome.

Q: When will my order arrive? A: True art isn’t mass-produced in some ghastly factory. Every item is printed to order. This means it takes a tad longer to prepare, but quality requires a smidgen of patience. You’ll get a full estimate at checkout.

Q: How do I track my glorious parcel? A: Once our printers have finished their work and the courier has stopped weeping at the profanity on the box, you’ll receive an email with a tracking link. Use it. It’s more effective than staring out the window.

Q: I gave you the wrong address. Can you fix it? A: You have a very narrow window of opportunity before my printers begin their work. If you realise your mistake, email us immediately. Once your order has been printed and dispatched, it is in the hands of the gods. If it ends up at your ex’s house, that is your cross to bear.

Q: I've changed my mind. Can I send it back? A: No. As each item is a bespoke masterpiece printed specifically for you, we do not accept returns for a sudden change of heart. However, if your item arrives looking like it’s wrestled a badger (damaged or faulty), contact our support minions with a photograph immediately.

Q: Do you ship internationally? A: Alas, my magnificence is currently contained within the borders of the United Kingdom. Consider it 'Phase One' of my world domination. Keep your monocles polished and watch this space.

Payment & Security

Q: How can I pay? A: We accept all major credit and debit cards via Shopify Payments and PayPal. We do not accept hugs, IOUs, or loose change found down the back of your sofa.

Q: Is my money safe? A: Please. Our payment processing is secured by the latest, most boringly secure encryption methods known to man. We don’t store your card details. Now stop worrying and start shopping.

Q: I have a different, less stupid question. A: If you have a query my magnificent brain failed to anticipate, send a message via our Contact Us page. Please, try to be coherent.