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Bending Me Over Coaster
£12.00
Sale price
£12.00
Regular price
🚚 Estimated delivery:
Sir Cucumber Dog pays for shipping. UK & US delivery is on us! Each order is fulfilled in the country of order.
A Message from the Chairman: On the Economics of Modern Living
Sir Cucumber Dog has reviewed the current cost of living with the same expression he reserves for unsolicited belly rubs: one of profound, aristocratic displeasure.
Everything, it seems, is bending us over. The energy bills. The mortgage. The price of a decent bottle of wine. The audacity of the supermarket charging that much for cheese.
This coaster acknowledges the situation with the dignity it deserves — which is to say, absolutely none whatsoever.
Why You Absolutely Require This
- Cathartic Home Decor: Sometimes you need your furniture to validate your feelings. This coaster does that, loudly and without apology.
- The Gift for the Financially Aggrieved: Perfect for anyone who has recently opened a utility bill, renewed their car insurance, or simply checked their bank balance on a Monday morning.
- Functional Fury: Heat-resistant, non-slip, and water-repellent — because even in the face of economic catastrophe, your coffee table deserves protection.
🔩 Technical Specifications for the Meticulous
- Material: Hardboard MDF 3mm with cork backing 1mm
- Finish: High-gloss coating — wipeable and defiantly cheerful despite everything
- Dimensions: 95 × 95 × 4mm (3.74″ × 3.74″ × 0.16″) with rounded corners
- Performance: Water-repellent, heat-resistant, and non-slip
- Maintenance: Wipe clean. Unlike the financial situation, this is easily sorted.
- Sold as: Single coaster
Who Is This For? (The Victims)
- The Financially Battered: For anyone who has recently discovered what their energy provider considers a "fair" rate.
- The Relatable Gift Recipient: The person in your life who will see this, laugh bitterly, and immediately put it on their coffee table.
- The Rude Gift Enthusiast: For those who believe home accessories should reflect the full emotional spectrum, including righteous indignation.
- The Chronically Sarcastic: For anyone whose primary coping mechanism is dark humour and a strong cup of tea.
Shipping & Returns
Sir Cucumber Dog pays for delivery.
- Cost: £0.00. Every order ships FREE within the UK & USA.
- Timing: Your item is crafted specifically for you. Please allow 3-5 business days for production before it departs our green-lit HQ.
- Returns: If it arrives damaged or the pug messed up the print, we’ll sort it. No stress, no fuss.
Frequently asked questions
How do I choose the correct size?
Do not guess your size. Our funny slogan t-shirts and premium apparel use standard UK unisex sizing. Please consult the dedicated size guide located on this specific product page before adding the item to your basket. Taking a moment to measure a shirt you already own is the best way to ensure a proper fit and avoid looking like a burst sausage.
How long does delivery take?
We are unable to accept returns on certain items. These will be carefully marked before purchase.
When will I get my order?
Your new apparel or rude accessory is printed specifically for you. This sustainable print on demand process means production takes roughly 2 to 5 business days. Once your item is freshly printed, we will dispatch your order and provide a tracking link. Standard shipping within the UK and the US is completely free.
What is your return policy?
As every single item is a bespoke masterpiece printed to order, we do not accept returns or exchanges for a sudden change of heart or incorrect sizing. However, if your item arrives misprinted, faulty, or damaged by the courier, please contact our support team immediately with a clear photograph so we can resolve the issue.
How do I wash and care for this item?
Treat your new goods with the respect they deserve. Wash our organic cotton t-shirts inside out on a cool wash (30 degrees Celsius) and allow them to air dry to maintain their shape. Standard ceramic mugs are entirely dishwasher safe, but our heat colour changing mugs are delicate divas that must be washed by hand.
Who is Sir Cucumber Dog?
A gentleman does not typically reveal his secrets, but for you, I will make an exception. I am Sir Cucumber Dog: a plush pug of unparalleled sophistication, permanently squeezed into a bespoke green cucumber print suit. The cucumber monocle is purely for judging your life choices, and the yellow bow tie is because I am not a savage.
As the Chairman of this establishment, I oversee a curated collection of rude and funny designs across mugs, tees, and coasters, all presented in our signature Cucumber green and Cucumber cream. I am the physical embodiment of a lifestyle that prioritises sharp tailoring, strong gin, and an overwhelming disdain for the general public.