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BOLLOCKS! YOU'RE HERE! Sarcastic Indoor Door Mat
£31.00
Sale price
£31.00
Regular price
🚚 Estimated delivery:
Sir Cucumber Dog pays for shipping. UK & US delivery is on us! Each order is fulfilled in the country of order.
Give your guests the warm, fuzzy welcome they actually deserve with this brilliantly blunt and sarcastic indoor mat.
Perfect for those who find traditional hospitality a bit too much effort, this mat is the ultimate piece of rude home decor. Featuring the bold, unmissable text "BOLLOCKS! YOU'RE HERE!", it’s designed to let visitors know exactly how you feel about their arrival before they’ve even taken their coats off. It is a quintessential example of British humour for anyone who prefers a bit of honest, rude wit over a polite "hello".
This mat makes a fantastic funny housewarming gift for friends who hate people, a cheeky addition to a bachelor pad, or a standout statement piece for a hallway or man cave. Built with a durable surface and a non-slip rubber base, it ensures your grumpy greeting stays firmly in place.
Key Features:
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Classic British Wit: A perfect piece of rude novelty decor that uses one of the UK's favourite expletives to maximum effect.
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Safe & Secure: Equipped with a high-quality non-slip rubber backing to prevent sliding on laminate, wood, or tiled floors.
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Durable Construction: Designed to withstand high foot traffic while keeping the crisp, bold print clearly visible.
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Perfect Gift Idea: An ideal funny anniversary gift or unique present for that one friend who values their "me time" above all else.
Product Specifications:
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Overall Size: 60 x 40 cm
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Printable Area: 57 x 37 cm
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Base: Non-slip rubber
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Use: Indoor Only
Shipping & Returns
Sir Cucumber Dog pays for delivery.
- Cost: £0.00. Every order ships FREE within the UK & USA.
- Timing: Your item is crafted specifically for you. Please allow 3-5 business days for production before it departs our green-lit HQ.
- Returns: If it arrives damaged or the pug messed up the print, we’ll sort it. No stress, no fuss.
Frequently asked questions
How do I choose the correct size?
Do not guess your size. Our funny slogan t-shirts and premium apparel use standard UK unisex sizing. Please consult the dedicated size guide located on this specific product page before adding the item to your basket. Taking a moment to measure a shirt you already own is the best way to ensure a proper fit and avoid looking like a burst sausage.
How long does delivery take?
We are unable to accept returns on certain items. These will be carefully marked before purchase.
When will I get my order?
Your new apparel or rude accessory is printed specifically for you. This sustainable print on demand process means production takes roughly 2 to 5 business days. Once your item is freshly printed, we will dispatch your order and provide a tracking link. Standard shipping within the UK and the US is completely free.
What is your return policy?
As every single item is a bespoke masterpiece printed to order, we do not accept returns or exchanges for a sudden change of heart or incorrect sizing. However, if your item arrives misprinted, faulty, or damaged by the courier, please contact our support team immediately with a clear photograph so we can resolve the issue.
How do I wash and care for this item?
Treat your new goods with the respect they deserve. Wash our organic cotton t-shirts inside out on a cool wash (30 degrees Celsius) and allow them to air dry to maintain their shape. Standard ceramic mugs are entirely dishwasher safe, but our heat colour changing mugs are delicate divas that must be washed by hand.
Who is Sir Cucumber Dog?
A gentleman does not typically reveal his secrets, but for you, I will make an exception. I am Sir Cucumber Dog: a plush pug of unparalleled sophistication, permanently squeezed into a bespoke green cucumber print suit. The cucumber monocle is purely for judging your life choices, and the yellow bow tie is because I am not a savage.
As the Chairman of this establishment, I oversee a curated collection of rude and funny designs across mugs, tees, and coasters, all presented in our signature Cucumber green and Cucumber cream. I am the physical embodiment of a lifestyle that prioritises sharp tailoring, strong gin, and an overwhelming disdain for the general public.