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I Only Poo In Castles Coaster
$24.00
Free over $60. Fulfilled locally in North America. No hidden fees, no overseas logistics drama.
Product Description
A Message from the Chairman: On Standards
Sir Cucumber Dog understands. He truly does.
There are those among us who have simply decided that certain facilities are beneath them. Public conveniences? Absolutely not. Service station toilets? The very idea. A friend's house with questionable plumbing? One would rather hold it until the Channel Tunnel.
This coaster is for those people. The ones with standards. The ones who have looked at the available options and found them all wanting. The ones who, frankly, deserve a castle — or at the very least, a coaster that acknowledges their position.
Why You Absolutely Require This
- A Statement of Intent: This is not merely a coaster. It is a declaration of one's personal hygiene philosophy, displayed prominently in the home for all visitors to absorb.
- The Gift for the Discerning: For the person in your life who has opinions about thread counts, water pressure, and the correct temperature for a bathroom. They will understand immediately.
- Aspirational Home Decor: If you can't afford the castle, at least you can have the coaster. It's a start.
🔩 Technical Specifications for the Meticulous
- Material: Hardboard MDF 3mm with cork backing 1mm
- Finish: High-gloss coating — befitting of someone with castle-level expectations
- Dimensions: 95 × 95 × 4mm (3.74″ × 3.74″ × 0.16″) with rounded corners
- Performance: Water-repellent, heat-resistant, and non-slip
- Maintenance: Wipe clean. Standards must be maintained.
- Sold as: Single coaster
Who Is This For? (The Victims)
- The Bathroom Snob: For the person who has a preferred toilet and will travel unreasonable distances to use it.
- The Posh Friend: For the one in the group who winces at the word "loo" and insists on "lavatory."
- The Housewarming Wit: A perfect gift for someone moving into a new home who needs to establish their standards immediately.
- Fans of Funny Novelty Coasters: For anyone who appreciates humour that is simultaneously ridiculous and deeply, personally relatable.
Shipping & Returns
Shipping
- Cost: Free on orders over $60.
- Delivery: Exclusively shipping within the USA and Canada. Every order is fulfilled locally.
- Timing: Your item is crafted specifically for you. Please allow 3 to 5 business days for production before your freshly printed order is shipped.
Returns
- Because our apparel is printed on demand just for you, we strictly do not accept returns or refunds if you simply change your mind. If the item arrives damaged or the pug messed up the print, we will sort it out. No stress, no fuss.
Colonial Translation
- Sort it out: Fix the issue.
- Change of mind: Buyer's remorse.
Frequently asked questions
How do I choose the correct size?
Do not guess your measurements. Our premium apparel uses standard unisex sizing, but assuming you know your exact fit is a terrible strategy. Because our inventory is strictly printed on demand, we absolutely do not accept returns or process refunds if you simply order the wrong size or change your mind. Returns and exchanges are reserved solely for genuinely damaged or defective goods.
Please consult the highly accurate size guide located on this specific product page before adding the item to your basket. Taking two minutes to measure a garment you already own is the most effective way to ensure a proper fit and avoid looking like a burst sausage.
| Size | Body Length (inches) | Chest Width (inches) | Sleeve Length (inches) |
|---|---|---|---|
| S | 27 ⅛ | 19 ½ | 8 ⅞ |
| M | 28 ¾ | 21 | 9 ½ |
| L | 29 ½ | 22 ¼ | 9 ⅝ |
| XL | 30 ¼ | 23 ⅜ | 9 ⅞ |
| 2XL | 31 ⅛ | 25.00 | 10 |
| 3XL | 31 ⅞ | 26 ⅝ | 10 ¼ |
| 4XL | 32 ⅝ | 28 ½ | 10 ¼ |
| 5XL | 33 ⅛ | 30 ½ | 10 ¼ |
How long does delivery take?
very piece of apparel or sarcastic accessory is custom made to order. This print on demand approach means production takes between 2 to 5 business days. Once printed, the package goes out with a tracking link. Standard shipping is calculated at checkout, with free shipping automatically unlocked on orders over $60.
What is your return policy?
As every single item is a bespoke masterpiece printed to order, we do not accept returns or exchanges for a sudden change of heart or incorrect sizing. However, if your item arrives misprinted, faulty, or damaged by the courier, please contact our support team immediately with a clear photograph so we can resolve the issue.
How do I wash and care for this item?
Treat your new goods with the respect they deserve. Wash our organic cotton t-shirts inside out on a cool wash (30 degrees Celsius) and allow them to air dry to maintain their shape. Standard ceramic mugs are entirely dishwasher safe, but our heat colour changing mugs are delicate divas that must be washed by hand.
Who is Sir Cucumber Dog?
A gentleman does not typically reveal his secrets, but for you, I will make an exception. I am Sir Cucumber Dog: a plush pug of unparalleled sophistication, permanently squeezed into a bespoke green cucumber print suit. The cucumber monocle is purely for judging your life choices, and the yellow bow tie is because I am not a savage.
As the Chairman of this establishment, I oversee a curated collection of rude and funny designs across mugs, tees, and coasters, all presented in our signature Cucumber green and Cucumber cream. I am the physical embodiment of a lifestyle that prioritises sharp tailoring, strong gin, and an overwhelming disdain for the general public.