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I Only Poo In Castles Coaster
£12.00
Sale price
£12.00
Regular price
🚚 Estimated delivery:
Sir Cucumber Dog pays for shipping. UK & US delivery is on us! Each order is fulfilled in the country of order.
A Message from the Chairman: On Standards
Sir Cucumber Dog understands. He truly does.
There are those among us who have simply decided that certain facilities are beneath them. Public conveniences? Absolutely not. Service station toilets? The very idea. A friend's house with questionable plumbing? One would rather hold it until the Channel Tunnel.
This coaster is for those people. The ones with standards. The ones who have looked at the available options and found them all wanting. The ones who, frankly, deserve a castle — or at the very least, a coaster that acknowledges their position.
Why You Absolutely Require This
- A Statement of Intent: This is not merely a coaster. It is a declaration of one's personal hygiene philosophy, displayed prominently in the home for all visitors to absorb.
- The Gift for the Discerning: For the person in your life who has opinions about thread counts, water pressure, and the correct temperature for a bathroom. They will understand immediately.
- Aspirational Home Decor: If you can't afford the castle, at least you can have the coaster. It's a start.
🔩 Technical Specifications for the Meticulous
- Material: Hardboard MDF 3mm with cork backing 1mm
- Finish: High-gloss coating — befitting of someone with castle-level expectations
- Dimensions: 95 × 95 × 4mm (3.74″ × 3.74″ × 0.16″) with rounded corners
- Performance: Water-repellent, heat-resistant, and non-slip
- Maintenance: Wipe clean. Standards must be maintained.
- Sold as: Single coaster
Who Is This For? (The Victims)
- The Bathroom Snob: For the person who has a preferred toilet and will travel unreasonable distances to use it.
- The Posh Friend: For the one in the group who winces at the word "loo" and insists on "lavatory."
- The Housewarming Wit: A perfect gift for someone moving into a new home who needs to establish their standards immediately.
- Fans of Funny Novelty Coasters: For anyone who appreciates humour that is simultaneously ridiculous and deeply, personally relatable.
Shipping & Returns
Sir Cucumber Dog pays for delivery.
- Cost: £0.00. Every order ships FREE within the UK & USA.
- Timing: Your item is crafted specifically for you. Please allow 3-5 business days for production before it departs our green-lit HQ.
- Returns: If it arrives damaged or the pug messed up the print, we’ll sort it. No stress, no fuss.
Frequently asked questions
How do I choose the correct size?
Do not guess your size. Our funny slogan t-shirts and premium apparel use standard UK unisex sizing. Please consult the dedicated size guide located on this specific product page before adding the item to your basket. Taking a moment to measure a shirt you already own is the best way to ensure a proper fit and avoid looking like a burst sausage.
How long does delivery take?
We are unable to accept returns on certain items. These will be carefully marked before purchase.
When will I get my order?
Your new apparel or rude accessory is printed specifically for you. This sustainable print on demand process means production takes roughly 2 to 5 business days. Once your item is freshly printed, we will dispatch your order and provide a tracking link. Standard shipping within the UK and the US is completely free.
What is your return policy?
As every single item is a bespoke masterpiece printed to order, we do not accept returns or exchanges for a sudden change of heart or incorrect sizing. However, if your item arrives misprinted, faulty, or damaged by the courier, please contact our support team immediately with a clear photograph so we can resolve the issue.
How do I wash and care for this item?
Treat your new goods with the respect they deserve. Wash our organic cotton t-shirts inside out on a cool wash (30 degrees Celsius) and allow them to air dry to maintain their shape. Standard ceramic mugs are entirely dishwasher safe, but our heat colour changing mugs are delicate divas that must be washed by hand.
Who is Sir Cucumber Dog?
A gentleman does not typically reveal his secrets, but for you, I will make an exception. I am Sir Cucumber Dog: a plush pug of unparalleled sophistication, permanently squeezed into a bespoke green cucumber print suit. The cucumber monocle is purely for judging your life choices, and the yellow bow tie is because I am not a savage.
As the Chairman of this establishment, I oversee a curated collection of rude and funny designs across mugs, tees, and coasters, all presented in our signature Cucumber green and Cucumber cream. I am the physical embodiment of a lifestyle that prioritises sharp tailoring, strong gin, and an overwhelming disdain for the general public.