I'm Not Actually This Tall T-Shirt | Funny Short Person Tee

Let's clear this up before anyone asks you to get something off the top shelf. This t-shirt is your official, wearable disclaimer for the vertically challenged.

It's a tough life being this close to the ground. You're a permanent armrest, you can't see anything at gigs, and you've definitely been mistaken for a child in the last five years.

Sir Cucumber Dog gets it. He's not exactly a giant himself. He's here, in his full cucumber-monocled glory, to stand with you in solidarity. Or, more likely, to sit and judge the tall people from a comfortable, low-to-the-ground vantage point. That bold lime-green text does all the talking so you don't have to.

This tee is the perfect uniform for:

• People who are tired of "how's the weather down there?" jokes.

• Officially identifying as a "short king" or "short queen."

• Reminding everyone that the best things come in small, sarcastic packages.

• Getting a laugh from anyone else under 5'7".

Crafted from premium soft cotton (because your comfort is important, even if your height isn't), this is the ultimate shirt for embracing your fun-size status with maximum sarcasm.

The Boring (But Important) Specs

Look, we know you're just here for the rude pug, but you're also buying a t-shirt. Even a short-arse like Sir Cucumber Dog appreciates quality. We can't have you looking like a total slob while you're craning your neck to talk to people.

So, here's the tea on what you're actually buying.

• The Guts: It’s a solid, 100% cotton tee. Soft, breathable, and perfect for looking up to... well, everyone.

• The Fancy Blends: If you're picking a "special" colour, the materials change. Don't act surprised.

  • Sport Grey: 90% cotton, 10% polyester (for that athletic "I can run under low-hanging branches" look).

  • Ash Grey: 99% cotton, 1% polyester (barely different, but sounds fancier).

  • Heather Colours: A 50/50 split of cotton and polyester (because you're complicated).

• The He-Man Build: This isn't some flimsy rag. It’s a respectable 5.0–5.3 oz/yd² (170-180 g/m²) fabric. It’s built with open-end yarn and tubular fabric, which means it's a classic tee with no annoying side seams.

• The Stuff That Stops It From Falling Apart: We taped the neck and shoulders and put double seams on the sleeves and bottom hem. This shirt will likely outlast your patience for tall-people problems.

• Sourcing: The blank shirt is sourced from places like Honduras, Nicaragua, Haiti, the Dominican Republic, Bangladesh, or Mexico. Now you know.

A Few Annoying Disclaimers

(Read this before you complain to us.)

• On the Colour "White": Our "White" shirt is more of an "off-white." It's not the blinding, angelic white of a new appliance. Think... the colour of a slightly disappointed cloud.

• On the Colour "Natural": This colour has little dark speckles in it. That is intentional. It's part of the rustic charm. Don't email us about "specks." We will judge you.

Now, For the "Good Person" Part

We don't just have a giant, dusty warehouse full of these things like some soulless corporation. When you place an order, we make this product especially for you.

Yes, this means it takes a bit longer to get to your doorstep. Have patience. Your new uniform for being sarcastically short can wait a few extra days.

Why do we do this? It's called "on-demand," and it means we don't make massive piles of crap that end up in a landfill. It cuts down on overproduction.

So, while you may be small in stature, thank you for accidentally making a thoughtful purchasing decision and doing a good thing for the planet. Go you.

Size guide