Pure Pain & Endless Cramp T-Shirt
Navy / S
£19.99
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At Cucumber Dog, wellness quotes are a little bit different.
While everyone else is posting "no pain, no gain" with a filtered photo of a sunset, you’re in the corner of the gym wondering if it’s possible for a human to actually sweat through their own soul. This T-shirt is for the realists. The ones who don't find "the burn" inspiring they find it deeply, personally offensive.
Featuring a glorious pyramid of suffering Pure Pain, Big Sweat, and Endless Cramp—this tee poses the only question that matters: "Does this look like I'm enjoying it?" It’s the perfect response to that one mate who keeps trying to sign you up for a 5K or a "fun" Saturday morning HIIT session.
Wear it to the gym, on a run, or just while walking up a particularly steep flight of stairs. It’s not just a shirt; it’s a medical update.
Why This Shirt is More Honest Than Your PT:
Total Transparency: Finally, a gym shirt that doesn't lie to you or anyone else.
The Anti-Inspiration: The perfect antidote to toxic positivity and "grind" culture.
Royal Mail, On The House: Dispatched with Free UK Shipping, because you've suffered enough today.
Supreme Comfort: Made from soft, sturdy cotton, perfect for wearing while you're reconsidering every life choice that led you to this workout.
The Fiddly Bits (Specs):
Fabric Composition:
Solid colours are 100% cotton.
Sport Grey is 90% cotton, 10% polyester.
Ash Grey is 99% cotton, 1% polyester.
Heather colours are a 50/50 cotton/polyester blend of sweat and regret.
Fabric Weight: A solid 5.0–5.3 oz/yd² (170-180 g/m²).
Construction: Made with open-end yarn and tubular fabric, with a taped neck and shoulders. Plus double seams at the sleeves and bottom hem. Built to withstand even the most aggressive treadmill sessions.
A Note On Your Order (Freshly Printed Suffering): We don't keep a massive stock of these. Each one is printed fresh just for you the moment you place your order. This on-demand wizardry takes a little longer to arrive, but it's brilliant for preventing waste in the kingdom. You're being a thoughtful subject, even if you are currently in "Pure Pain."
Heads-Up (Disclaimers):
The White tee is more of an 'off-white'.
The Natural colour has dark speckles in it. It's a feature, not a flaw.
Pure Pain & Endless Cramp T-Shirt
£19.99
We print everything to order—because we hate waste and dusty stock. Due to this highly customised effort, delivery takes 4–8 days (yes, you have to wait). If you’re lucky, it’s 2–5. We’ll send a dispatch email when your stuff is finally on its way.
While everyone else is posting "no pain, no gain" with a filtered photo of a sunset, you’re in the corner of the gym wondering if it’s possible for a human to actually sweat through their own soul. This T-shirt is for the realists. The ones who don't find "the burn" inspiring they find it deeply, personally offensive.
Featuring a glorious pyramid of suffering Pure Pain, Big Sweat, and Endless Cramp—this tee poses the only question that matters: "Does this look like I'm enjoying it?" It’s the perfect response to that one mate who keeps trying to sign you up for a 5K or a "fun" Saturday morning HIIT session.
Wear it to the gym, on a run, or just while walking up a particularly steep flight of stairs. It’s not just a shirt; it’s a medical update.
Why This Shirt is More Honest Than Your PT:
Total Transparency: Finally, a gym shirt that doesn't lie to you or anyone else.
The Anti-Inspiration: The perfect antidote to toxic positivity and "grind" culture.
Royal Mail, On The House: Dispatched with Free UK Shipping, because you've suffered enough today.
Supreme Comfort: Made from soft, sturdy cotton, perfect for wearing while you're reconsidering every life choice that led you to this workout.
The Fiddly Bits (Specs):
Fabric Composition:
Solid colours are 100% cotton.
Sport Grey is 90% cotton, 10% polyester.
Ash Grey is 99% cotton, 1% polyester.
Heather colours are a 50/50 cotton/polyester blend of sweat and regret.
Fabric Weight: A solid 5.0–5.3 oz/yd² (170-180 g/m²).
Construction: Made with open-end yarn and tubular fabric, with a taped neck and shoulders. Plus double seams at the sleeves and bottom hem. Built to withstand even the most aggressive treadmill sessions.
A Note On Your Order (Freshly Printed Suffering): We don't keep a massive stock of these. Each one is printed fresh just for you the moment you place your order. This on-demand wizardry takes a little longer to arrive, but it's brilliant for preventing waste in the kingdom. You're being a thoughtful subject, even if you are currently in "Pure Pain."
Heads-Up (Disclaimers):
The White tee is more of an 'off-white'.
The Natural colour has dark speckles in it. It's a feature, not a flaw.
Size guide
| LENGTH (inches) | WIDTH (inches) | SLEEVE LENGTH (inches) | |
| S | 28 | 18 | 15 ⅝ |
| M | 29 | 20 | 17 |
| L | 30 | 22 | 18 ½ |
| XL | 31 | 24 | 20 |
| 2XL | 32 | 26 | 21 ½ |
| 3XL | 33 | 28 | 22 ¾ |
| LENGTH (cm) | WIDTH (cm) | SLEEVE LENGTH (cm) | |
| S | 71.1 | 45.7 | 39.7 |
| M | 73.7 | 50.8 | 43.2 |
| L | 76.2 | 55.9 | 47 |
| XL | 78.7 | 61 | 50.8 |
| 2XL | 81.3 | 66 | 54.6 |
| 3XL | 83.8 | 71.1 | 58 |
Every brilliant mug, tee, or coaster you order is made especially for you using print-on-demand. This custom process is personally overseen by our mascot, Sir Cucumber Dog, who ensures his cucumber monocle is positioned just right for the official 'Pug of Approval' stamp. Because we don't hold stock and craft everything bespoke, your order takes a little longer to arrive than rushed, mass-produced items. But this extra time guarantees a high-quality, perfectly rude, and funny product made just for you!
