Skip to product information
The Noir Artefact: "Disdain" Black-on-Black Stone Relief Tote
$60.00
CJO Judgement Index
2 / 5
Passive Aggressive
""There is something remarkably honest about black. It matches my soul when I look at a crowd of unwashed humans. This Noir edition takes the ancient 'DISDAIN' relief and places it within the void where it belongs. The cream text provides just enough light for the uncultured to read their own doom as they approach you. It is textured, it is dark, and it is flawlessly uncompromising. Now, put your black coffee in the bag and leave me in peace.""
Sir Cucumber Dog, CJO
Sir Cucumber Dog's Offensiveness Rating
Liquid error (blocks/custom-liquid line 8): comparison of Integer with String failed
Liquid error (blocks/custom-liquid line 8): comparison of Integer with String failed
Liquid error (blocks/custom-liquid line 8): comparison of Integer with String failed
Liquid error (blocks/custom-liquid line 8): comparison of Integer with String failed
Liquid error (blocks/custom-liquid line 8): comparison of Integer with String failed
"There is something remarkably honest about black. It matches my soul when I look at a crowd of unwashed humans. This Noir edition takes the ancient 'DISDAIN' relief and places it within the void where it belongs. The cream text provides just enough light for the uncultured to read their own doom as they approach you. It is textured, it is dark, and it is flawlessly uncompromising. Now, put your black coffee in the bag and leave me in peace."
- CJO (Chief Judgement Officer)
Free over $60. Fulfilled locally in North America. No hidden fees, no overseas logistics drama.
Sir Cucumber Dog understands that some levels of disdain require a darker, more brooding palette. While the oyster version is suitable for the casual museum-goer, the Noir Artefact edition is reserved for the elite social recluse who prefers to blend into the shadows while their disapproval glows with aristocratic clarity. It is the definitive carryall for those who find the general public not just tedious, but visually offensive.
Set against a deep black organic canvas, the chiselled stone relief of DISDAIN takes on a haunting, high-contrast life of its own. The textures of the weathered limestone are amplified against the darkness, making the Chairman’s profile, hidden within the final letter, look even more judgemental. Below the carving, the "PROUD MEMBER" declaration is rendered in crisp Cucumber cream, ensuring your allegiances are visible even in the dim light of a pretentious wine bar.
Why This Void of Disdain is Mandatory
This heavy-duty black tote is engineered for the high-brow individual who treats every interaction as an optional burden.
-
High-Contrast Hostility: The grey stone textures against the deep black canvas create a dramatic, 3D visual effect that demands respect and a three-metre radius of personal space.
-
The Shadow Monocle: The Chairman’s profile is etched into the stone filigree, acting as a secret mark of authority for the truly observant elite.
-
Monochromatic Mastery: By stripping away the brand green and focusing on cream and black, this bag coordinates perfectly with a wardrobe of expensive, minimalist mourning clothes.
-
Dual-Sided Truth: With the official URL on the back, you are provide a public service to the uncultured as you walk away from them in silence.
Bespoke Technical Specifications
Sir Cucumber Dog refuses to associate with flimsy, transparent sacks. This is a vessel of structural integrity and moral superiority.
-
Superior Weave: Crafted from 100% certified organic cotton in a robust 3/1 twill weave for a premium, substantial feel.
-
Heavyweight Build: Features a solid 272 g/m² (8 oz/yd²) fabric weight. It will not wilt or lose its shape, even when carrying the weight of your social disappointment.
-
Generous Proportions: Measuring an expansive 50.8 cm wide and 35.6 cm tall, with a 12.7 cm depth (20 x 14 x 5 inches).
-
Elite Architecture: Designed with an unrestricted main cabin and a structured flat base to ensure your items remain organised rather than tumbling about like common rubbish.
-
Load Bearing Mastery: Reinforced handles and construction allow it to handle up to 13.6 kg (30 lbs) of cargo.
-
Comfortable Carry: Matching self-fabric dual straps (63.5 cm / 25 inches) allow for a dignified over-the-shoulder look that rests perfectly against your brooding ensemble.
Colonial Translation
(For our friends across the pond who struggle with extra vowels)
If you want to honor your favorite luxury parody with a high-color organic bag, this black canvas tote is the center of our darkest collection. It acts as the perfect defense against taking the neighborhood grocery store too seriously. Your shopping behavior has never looked this elite, making it a perfectly labeled statement piece for any public theater.
Size guide
| BAG WIDTH (inches) | BAG HEIGHT (inches) | BAG DEPTH (inches) | STRAP LENGTH (inches) | STRAP WIDTH (inches) | |
| One size | 20 | 14 | 5 | 25 | 1 |
| BAG WIDTH (cm) | BAG HEIGHT (cm) | BAG DEPTH (cm) | STRAP LENGTH (cm) | STRAP WIDTH (cm) | |
| One size | 50.8 | 35.6 | 12.7 | 63.5 | 2.5 |
Shipping & Returns
Shipping
- Cost: Free on orders over $60.
- Delivery: Exclusively shipping within the USA and Canada. Every order is fulfilled locally.
- Timing: Your item is crafted specifically for you. Please allow 3 to 5 business days for production before your freshly printed order is shipped.
Returns
- Because our apparel is printed on demand just for you, we strictly do not accept returns or refunds if you simply change your mind. If the item arrives damaged or the pug messed up the print, we will sort it out. No stress, no fuss.
Colonial Translation
- Sort it out: Fix the issue.
- Change of mind: Buyer's remorse.
Frequently asked questions
How do I choose the correct size?
Do not guess your measurements. Our premium apparel uses standard unisex sizing, but assuming you know your exact fit is a terrible strategy. Because our inventory is strictly printed on demand, we absolutely do not accept returns or process refunds if you simply order the wrong size or change your mind. Returns and exchanges are reserved solely for genuinely damaged or defective goods.
Please consult the highly accurate size guide located on this specific product page before adding the item to your basket. Taking two minutes to measure a garment you already own is the most effective way to ensure a proper fit and avoid looking like a burst sausage.
| Size | Body Length (inches) | Chest Width (inches) | Sleeve Length (inches) |
|---|---|---|---|
| S | 27 ⅛ | 19 ½ | 8 ⅞ |
| M | 28 ¾ | 21 | 9 ½ |
| L | 29 ½ | 22 ¼ | 9 ⅝ |
| XL | 30 ¼ | 23 ⅜ | 9 ⅞ |
| 2XL | 31 ⅛ | 25.00 | 10 |
| 3XL | 31 ⅞ | 26 ⅝ | 10 ¼ |
| 4XL | 32 ⅝ | 28 ½ | 10 ¼ |
| 5XL | 33 ⅛ | 30 ½ | 10 ¼ |
How long does delivery take?
very piece of apparel or sarcastic accessory is custom made to order. This print on demand approach means production takes between 2 to 5 business days. Once printed, the package goes out with a tracking link. Standard shipping is calculated at checkout, with free shipping automatically unlocked on orders over $60.
What is your return policy?
As every single item is a bespoke masterpiece printed to order, we do not accept returns or exchanges for a sudden change of heart or incorrect sizing. However, if your item arrives misprinted, faulty, or damaged by the courier, please contact our support team immediately with a clear photograph so we can resolve the issue.
How do I wash and care for this item?
Treat your new goods with the respect they deserve. Wash our organic cotton t-shirts inside out on a cool wash (30 degrees Celsius) and allow them to air dry to maintain their shape. Standard ceramic mugs are entirely dishwasher safe, but our heat colour changing mugs are delicate divas that must be washed by hand.
Who is Sir Cucumber Dog?
A gentleman does not typically reveal his secrets, but for you, I will make an exception. I am Sir Cucumber Dog: a plush pug of unparalleled sophistication, permanently squeezed into a bespoke green cucumber print suit. The cucumber monocle is purely for judging your life choices, and the yellow bow tie is because I am not a savage.
As the Chairman of this establishment, I oversee a curated collection of rude and funny designs across mugs, tees, and coasters, all presented in our signature Cucumber green and Cucumber cream. I am the physical embodiment of a lifestyle that prioritises sharp tailoring, strong gin, and an overwhelming disdain for the general public.