The Method Behind the Madness

So, you’ve stumbled across a shop run by a pug in a cucumber suit and you have questions. That is entirely fair.

At Cucumber Dog, we believe that buying rude mugs and funny tees shouldn’t be a headache. We are here to provide top-tier sarcasm without the corporate nonsense. Here is exactly what you get when you shop with us.

🇬🇧 Free UK Shipping — Always.

No hidden fees. No nasty surprises. There is nothing—and we mean nothing—more annoying than finding the perfect item, going to checkout, and suddenly being slapped with a delivery fee that costs more than the product itself.

We don’t do that here. Whether you are buying a single coaster or enough mugs to insult your entire office, standard UK shipping is on the house. Sir Cucumber Dog covers the postage out of his own pocket (he’s a generous boy like that).

🖨️ High-Quality Prints

No pixelated bollocks. We sell humour, but we take quality deadly seriously. We have all bought something online that looked great in the photo but arrived looking like it was printed on a potato.

Not on our watch.

• Vibrant Colours: Our lime greens are proper green.

• Crisp Lines: The text is sharp enough to cut glass (metaphorically, please don't try it).

• Durable Finishes: Our gear is designed to survive the dishwasher and the washing machine.

💚 Small UK Business

Support questionable humour. When you shop with us, you aren't adding another zero to a tax-dodging billionaire’s bank balance. You are supporting a small, independent British team (and keeping a pug in bow ties). By choosing us, you are championing independent design, supporting the UK economy, and proving that the world needs more sass.

Shipping & Delivery

(The boring but important stuff)

We know you are buzzing to get your hands on your sweary mugs and cheeky tees—and Sir Cucumber Dog is just as excited to send them. Here is the nitty-gritty on how it works:

📍 Where We Ship

Right now, we ship across the UK. International? Not yet. We are working on global domination, but for now, please keep your pants on.

⏳ The Wait (Fulfilment & Dispatch)

We don’t pull dusty stock off a shelf. All our products are made to order—lovingly printed just for you by our clever partners. This means less waste, but it also means we aren't Amazon Prime.

• Processing time: We need 2–5 business days to print your gear.

• Shipping time: Once it’s printed, it takes 2–4 business days to travel to your door.

• The Bottom Line: Expect your goodies to arrive in around 4–9 business days total.

📦 Tracking Info

As soon as your order leaves the building, you’ll get a shipping confirmation email with a tracking link (where available). Can't find it? Check your spam folder. If it’s still missing in action, drop us a line at woof@cucumberdog.com.

🤦 Address Errors

Entered your address wrong? It happens to the best of us.

• Tell us ASAP: If it hasn’t been printed yet, we can update it.

• Too late? If it has already shipped, we can’t chase the van down the street. You will need to reorder—sorry, pal.

🐌 Delivery Delays

Delays can happen (Royal Mail strikes, bad weather, alien invasions, etc.). We will keep you in the loop if there is any major drama. If your parcel is seriously late and you suspect it’s entered the Bermuda Triangle, get in touch and we will sort it.

💔 Damaged Orders

If your item arrives broken, battered, or just plain wrong, don't panic. Email us at woof@cucumberdog.com within 14 days with a photo of the damage. We will replace it or refund you—whichever makes you smile more.

Returns policy can be found here.