Skip to product information
Instead Of Therapy | Organic Eco Tote Bag
We make things that work better and last longer. Our products solve real problems with clean design and honest materials.
£25.00
Sale price
£25.00
Regular price
Sir Cucumber Dog's Offensiveness Rating
"A spectacular celebration of financial irresponsibility masquerading as a premium eco friendly shopping bag. Sir Cucumber Dog fully endorses this avoidance strategy."
- CJO (Chief Judgement Officer)
🚚 Estimated delivery:
The boss has graciously absorbed the shipping fees. Delivery across the UK and the US is entirely on the house. To spare everyone the absolute misery of international customs, all orders are strictly fulfilled within your respective borders.
Are you entirely exhausted by the prospect of processing your feelings? We have engineered the perfect enabler for your avoidance strategies.
Set against a sophisticated, neutral Oyster canvas backdrop, this design utilizes our strictly mandated typography to deliver a highly accurate financial disclosure. Printed in our signature dark Cucumber Green, the distressed block text proudly broadcasts a devastatingly honest admission: "CONTAINS ITEMS I BOUGHT INSTEAD OF GOING TO THERAPY."
It is the perfect, highly functional accessory for your next impulsive shopping spree. It serves as a wearable warning to retail staff that you are currently self medicating with premium goods and should not be disturbed under any circumstances.
-
Premium Organic Twill: Crafted from 100% certified organic cotton in a sturdy 3/1 twill weave. Exceptionally durable and entirely free from agricultural peasantry.
-
Formidable Armour: The dense 8 oz/yd² (272 g/m²) fabric weight provides a secure structural barrier between your questionable financial decisions and the judgement of the general public.
-
Substantial Capacity: Measuring a generous 16 by 14.5 by 5 inches (40.6 by 35.6 by 12.7 cm) with a wide open main compartment, offering vast, cavernous space for all your impulsive coping mechanisms.
-
Load Bearing Hostility: Strictly engineered to comfortably carry up to 30 lbs (13.6 kg) of emotional displacement.
-
Ergonomic Transport: Features dual 1 inch wide straps measuring exactly 24.5 inches in length, ensuring maximum shoulder comfort while you haul your unboxed trauma through the high street.
Shipping & Returns
Sir Cucumber Dog pays for delivery.
- Cost: £0.00. Every order ships FREE within the UK & USA.
- Timing: Your item is crafted specifically for you. Please allow 3-5 business days for production before it departs our green-lit HQ.
- Returns: If it arrives damaged or the pug messed up the print, we’ll sort it. No stress, no fuss.
Frequently asked questions
How do I choose the correct size?
Do not guess your size. Our funny slogan t-shirts and premium apparel use standard UK unisex sizing. Please consult the dedicated size guide located on this specific product page before adding the item to your basket. Taking a moment to measure a shirt you already own is the best way to ensure a proper fit and avoid looking like a burst sausage.
How long does delivery take?
We are unable to accept returns on certain items. These will be carefully marked before purchase.
When will I get my order?
Your new apparel or rude accessory is printed specifically for you. This sustainable print on demand process means production takes roughly 2 to 5 business days. Once your item is freshly printed, we will dispatch your order and provide a tracking link. Standard shipping within the UK and the US is completely free.
What is your return policy?
As every single item is a bespoke masterpiece printed to order, we do not accept returns or exchanges for a sudden change of heart or incorrect sizing. However, if your item arrives misprinted, faulty, or damaged by the courier, please contact our support team immediately with a clear photograph so we can resolve the issue.
How do I wash and care for this item?
Treat your new goods with the respect they deserve. Wash our organic cotton t-shirts inside out on a cool wash (30 degrees Celsius) and allow them to air dry to maintain their shape. Standard ceramic mugs are entirely dishwasher safe, but our heat colour changing mugs are delicate divas that must be washed by hand.
Who is Sir Cucumber Dog?
A gentleman does not typically reveal his secrets, but for you, I will make an exception. I am Sir Cucumber Dog: a plush pug of unparalleled sophistication, permanently squeezed into a bespoke green cucumber print suit. The cucumber monocle is purely for judging your life choices, and the yellow bow tie is because I am not a savage.
As the Chairman of this establishment, I oversee a curated collection of rude and funny designs across mugs, tees, and coasters, all presented in our signature Cucumber green and Cucumber cream. I am the physical embodiment of a lifestyle that prioritises sharp tailoring, strong gin, and an overwhelming disdain for the general public.