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A heavy duty oyster organic cotton tote bag featuring a black rectangular print. Inside the black area is a realistic 3D stone carving of the word DISDAIN with Sir Cucumber Dog's profile hidden in the letter N. Green text below reads PROUD MEMBER CUCUMBERDOG.COM.The Artefact of Avoidance: "Disdain" Stone Relief Tote
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  • A heavy duty oyster organic cotton tote bag featuring a black rectangular print. Inside the black area is a realistic 3D stone carving of the word DISDAIN with Sir Cucumber Dog's profile hidden in the letter N. Green text below reads PROUD MEMBER CUCUMBERDOG.COM.The Artefact of Avoidance: "Disdain" Stone Relief Tote
  • A heavy duty oyster organic cotton tote bag featuring a black rectangular print. Inside the black area is a realistic 3D stone carving of the word DISDAIN with Sir Cucumber Dog's profile hidden in the letter N. Green text below reads PROUD MEMBER CUCUMBERDOG.COM.
  • A heavy duty oyster organic cotton tote bag featuring a black rectangular print. Inside the black area is a realistic 3D stone carving of the word DISDAIN with Sir Cucumber Dog's profile hidden in the letter N. Green text below reads PROUD MEMBER CUCUMBERDOG.COM.
The Artefact of Avoidance: "Disdain" Stone Relief Tote

The Artefact of Avoidance: "Disdain" Stone Relief Tote

$60.00
CJO Judgement Index 2 / 5

Passive Aggressive

""It is one thing to be rude; it is quite another to be rude with the permanence of a limestone carving. I find the black frame on this oyster canvas to be particularly dapper, as it suggests the design is being displayed in a museum where visitors are strictly prohibited from touching. It is textured, it is historical, and it is beautifully uncompromising. Now, put your items in the bag and stop loitering in my gallery.""

Sir Cucumber Dog, CJO

Sir Cucumber Dog's Offensiveness Rating

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"It is one thing to be rude; it is quite another to be rude with the permanence of a limestone carving. I find the black frame on this oyster canvas to be particularly dapper, as it suggests the design is being displayed in a museum where visitors are strictly prohibited from touching. It is textured, it is historical, and it is beautifully uncompromising. Now, put your items in the bag and stop loitering in my gallery."
- CJO (Chief Judgement Officer)

Free over $60. Fulfilled locally in North America. No hidden fees, no overseas logistics drama.

Sir Cucumber Dog understands that sometimes your disapproval needs the weight of ancient history behind it. While a simple sigh or a judgemental glance is effective, nothing communicates your lack of interest in the general public quite like a monumental stone relief. For those who wish to carry their elitism in a way that looks like it was liberated from a British museum, we present the Artefact Edition of the "Disdain" tote.

Set against a premium oyster canvas, this design features a bold black presentation block that acts as a pedestal for a masterpiece of social avoidance. The central graphic is a photo realistic, chiselled stone plaque where the word DISDAIN is carved with monumental weight. If you look closely at the final letter, you will find the Chairman’s own profile subtly etched into the stone, ensuring his authority remains permanent. Below the carving, the green typography confirms your status as a "PROUD MEMBER" of the only club that matters.

Why This Canvas Monument is Mandatory

This heavy duty tote is designed for the high-brow individual who treats every grocery run like a curated gallery opening.

  • Historical Weight: The photo realistic 3D stone effect gives your social boundaries the structural integrity they deserve.

  • The Black Frame: The stark black background of the print creates a sophisticated contrast against the oyster canvas, making the design "pop" with aristocratic intent.

  • Subtle Superiority: The Chairman's profile is hidden within the scroll work of the text, acting as a secret handshake for those with enough taste to notice.

  • Green Authority: Using the official brand green for the "Proud Member" text ensures that even while you are being rude, you are being "on brand."

Bespoke Technical Specifications

Sir Cucumber Dog refuses to associate with flimsy, transparent sacks. This is a vessel of substance.

  • Superior Weave: Crafted from 100% certified organic cotton in a robust 3/1 twill weave.

  • Heavyweight Build: Features a solid 272 g/m² (8 oz/yd²) fabric weight. It will not wilt under the weight of your organic kale or your emotional baggage.

  • Generous Proportions: Measuring an expansive 50.8 cm wide and 35.6 cm tall, with a 12.7 cm depth (20 x 14 x 5 inches).

  • Elite Architecture: Designed with an unrestricted main cabin and a structured flat base to keep your items from tumbling about like common rubbish.

  • Load Bearing Mastery: Reinforcement allows it to handle up to 13.6 kg (30 lbs) of sheer weight.

  • Comfortable Carry: Matching self fabric dual straps (63.5 cm / 25 inches) allow for a dignified over-the-shoulder look.

Colonial Translation

(For our friends across the pond who struggle with extra vowels)

If you want to honor your favorite luxury parody with a high color organic bag, this natural canvas tote is the center of our collection. It acts as the perfect defense against taking the neighborhood grocery store too seriously. Your shopping behavior has never looked this elite, making it a perfectly labeled statement piece for any public theater.

Size guide

  BAG WIDTH (inches) BAG HEIGHT (inches) BAG DEPTH (inches) STRAP LENGTH (inches) STRAP WIDTH (inches)
One size 20 14 5 25 1
  BAG WIDTH (cm) BAG HEIGHT (cm) BAG DEPTH (cm) STRAP LENGTH (cm) STRAP WIDTH (cm)
One size 50.8 35.6 12.7 63.5 2.5
Shipping & Returns

Shipping

  • Cost: Free on orders over $60.
  • Delivery: Exclusively shipping within the USA and Canada. Every order is fulfilled locally.
  • Timing: Your item is crafted specifically for you. Please allow 3 to 5 business days for production before your freshly printed order is shipped.

Returns

  • Because our apparel is printed on demand just for you, we strictly do not accept returns or refunds if you simply change your mind. If the item arrives damaged or the pug messed up the print, we will sort it out. No stress, no fuss.

Colonial Translation

  • Sort it out: Fix the issue.
  • Change of mind: Buyer's remorse.

Frequently asked questions

How do I choose the correct size?

Do not guess your measurements. Our premium apparel uses standard unisex sizing, but assuming you know your exact fit is a terrible strategy. Because our inventory is strictly printed on demand, we absolutely do not accept returns or process refunds if you simply order the wrong size or change your mind. Returns and exchanges are reserved solely for genuinely damaged or defective goods.

Please consult the highly accurate size guide located on this specific product page before adding the item to your basket. Taking two minutes to measure a garment you already own is the most effective way to ensure a proper fit and avoid looking like a burst sausage.
Size Body Length (inches) Chest Width (inches) Sleeve Length (inches)
S 27 ⅛ 19 ½ 8 ⅞
M 28 ¾ 21 9 ½
L 29 ½ 22 ¼ 9 ⅝
XL 30 ¼ 23 ⅜ 9 ⅞
2XL 31 ⅛ 25.00 10
3XL 31 ⅞ 26 ⅝ 10 ¼
4XL 32 ⅝ 28 ½ 10 ¼
5XL 33 ⅛ 30 ½ 10 ¼
How long does delivery take?

very piece of apparel or sarcastic accessory is custom made to order. This print on demand approach means production takes between 2 to 5 business days. Once printed, the package goes out with a tracking link. Standard shipping is calculated at checkout, with free shipping automatically unlocked on orders over $60.
What is your return policy?

As every single item is a bespoke masterpiece printed to order, we do not accept returns or exchanges for a sudden change of heart or incorrect sizing. However, if your item arrives misprinted, faulty, or damaged by the courier, please contact our support team immediately with a clear photograph so we can resolve the issue.
How do I wash and care for this item?

Treat your new goods with the respect they deserve. Wash our organic cotton t-shirts inside out on a cool wash (30 degrees Celsius) and allow them to air dry to maintain their shape. Standard ceramic mugs are entirely dishwasher safe, but our heat colour changing mugs are delicate divas that must be washed by hand.
Who is Sir Cucumber Dog?

A gentleman does not typically reveal his secrets, but for you, I will make an exception. I am Sir Cucumber Dog: a plush pug of unparalleled sophistication, permanently squeezed into a bespoke green cucumber print suit. The cucumber monocle is purely for judging your life choices, and the yellow bow tie is because I am not a savage.

As the Chairman of this establishment, I oversee a curated collection of rude and funny designs across mugs, tees, and coasters, all presented in our signature Cucumber green and Cucumber cream. I am the physical embodiment of a lifestyle that prioritises sharp tailoring, strong gin, and an overwhelming disdain for the general public.

Read Sir Cucumber Dogs Page

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