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"This Is Not A Tote Bag" Sarcastic Tee | Sir Cucumber Dog
£23.00
Sale price
£23.00
Regular price
Sir Cucumber Dog's Offensiveness Rating
"A necessary clarification for a generation that cannot find their own socks without a GPS. Sir Cucumber Dog is mildly impressed by your commitment to the literal."
- CJO (Chief Judgement Officer)
🚚 Estimated delivery:
Sir Cucumber Dog pays for shipping. UK & US delivery is on us! Each order is fulfilled in the country of order.
A Literal Audit of Your Physical Form
In a world obsessed with categorisation and labelling, the Chairman felt it was vital to state the bleeding obvious. This is a T-shirt. It is composed of fabric, it has sleeves, and you wear it on your torso. It is, quite demonstrably, not a tote bag.
This tee is a masterclass in meta-humour, perfect for those who enjoy pointing out the literal truth with a straight face. It is our nod to high art and low-brow sarcasm, designed to leave passers-by wondering if they have had a minor neurological event or if they are just missing a very specific joke. Featuring the Sir Cucumber Dog seal of disapproval, this shirt is the ultimate anti-fashion statement. It is perfect for the supermarket run (where you will inevitably be asked if you need a bag), the pub, or any social situation where you want to clarify your physical form to the public.
Why This Shirt Is A Literal Triumph
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Factually Accurate: It is 100 percent not a tote bag. We have conducted a thorough internal audit and confirmed the absence of handles.
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Subversive Sarcasm: The perfect way to show you are too clever for standard slogans and generic British humour.
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Royal Mail, On The House: Dispatched with Free UK Shipping, because irony should never come with a delivery fee.
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Extra Comfort: Made from soft, sturdy cotton. Ideal for existing as a human and not a reinforced piece of luggage.
Technical Specifications for the Discerning
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Fabric Composition: Solid colours are 100 percent cotton. Sport Grey is 90 percent cotton and 10 percent polyester. Ash Grey is 99 percent cotton and 1 percent polyester. Heather colours are a 50/50 blend of pure, unadulterated truth.
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Fabric Weight: A solid 170 to 180 g/m² (5.0 to 5.3 oz/yd²).
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Construction: Crafted with open-end yarn and tubular fabric, featuring a taped neck and shoulders. Double seams at the sleeves and bottom hem ensure it remains a shirt for the long haul.
A Note On Your Order (Freshly Printed Reality)
This shirt is not sitting in a pile of actual tote bags. Each one is printed fresh specifically for you the moment you place your order. This print-on-demand approach means it takes a little longer to arrive, but it is brilliant for cutting down on waste and protecting the planet. You are making a sensible choice. We are almost proud of you.
Heads-Up (The Disclaimers)
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White: The White tee is a classic off-white rather than a blinding fluorescent.
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Natural: The Natural colour contains charming dark speckles from the original cotton plant. It is a natural feature, not a flaw.
Size guide
| LENGTH (inches) | WIDTH (inches) | SLEEVE LENGTH (inches) | |
| S | 28 | 18 | 15 ⅝ |
| M | 29 | 20 | 17 |
| L | 30 | 22 | 18 ½ |
| XL | 31 | 24 | 20 |
| 2XL | 32 | 26 | 21 ½ |
| 3XL | 33 | 28 | 22 ¾ |
| LENGTH (cm) | WIDTH (cm) | SLEEVE LENGTH (cm) | |
| S | 71.1 | 45.7 | 39.7 |
| M | 73.7 | 50.8 | 43.2 |
| L | 76.2 | 55.9 | 47 |
| XL | 78.7 | 61 | 50.8 |
| 2XL | 81.3 | 66 | 54.6 |
| 3XL | 83.8 | 71.1 | 58 |
Shipping & Returns
Sir Cucumber Dog pays for delivery.
- Cost: £0.00. Every order ships FREE within the UK & USA.
- Timing: Your item is crafted specifically for you. Please allow 3-5 business days for production before it departs our green-lit HQ.
- Returns: If it arrives damaged or the pug messed up the print, we’ll sort it. No stress, no fuss.
Frequently asked questions
How do I choose the correct size?
Do not guess your size. Our funny slogan t-shirts use standard UK unisex sizing. Please consult the dedicated size guide located on this specific product page before adding the item to your basket. Taking a moment to measure a shirt you already own is the best way to ensure a proper fit and avoid looking like a burst sausage.
When will I receive my order?
Patience is a virtue we know you lack. Your new premium streetwear is printed specifically for you upon order. Production takes roughly 2 to 5 business days. Once your item is freshly printed and shipped, we will provide a tracking link. Standard shipping within the UK and the US is completely free.
What is your return policy?
As every single item is a bespoke masterpiece printed to order, we do not accept returns or exchanges for a sudden change of heart or incorrect sizing. Read the size guide. However, if your t-shirt arrives misprinted, faulty, or damaged by the courier, please contact our support team immediately with a clear photograph. We will resolve the issue swiftly.
How do I wash and care for this item?
Treat your new garments with the respect they deserve. Wash our heavyweight cotton t-shirts inside out on a cool wash (30 degrees Celsius) to protect the print. Tumble drying is for amateurs; hang it up to air dry to maintain the shape and premium feel.